Mother’s Day

As Mother’s Day gets into full swing, I pause to remember the women who made such a difference in my life. 

A white rose for each in hand, I drove to the cemetery where all three are spending their eternal rest.  On roads barely wide enough for an automobile, I creep along at the posted speed of 15 mph.  To my right, I pass the black angel and make a mental note to tell my older sister that she should write a post on the angel’s history - she knows it better then I do as it was put there long before I was born.

I slow to a stop at the first headstone of the three that I am visiting this lovely day.  The grave belongs to my Grandma Morely who, ironically, was the last of the three to die.  My son is with me and I repeat a tradition started back in the early 90’s.

“Grandma Morely taught me endurance and patience.” I began as I lay the rose down, “She had just about every cancer a person could have in the last thirty years of her life but she continued to fight because life was to precious to give up on.  Her optimism and desire to live her life on her terms made me realize at a young age that women could not only stand on their own, but be happy doing so.”

“I remember visiting her - she seemed so frail but strongly insisted on doing everything for herself.  She’d act insulted if I offered my arm as support while we walked around.  She would do dishes and make the bed herself even though she didn’t have a lot of strength.” My son fondly recalls.

“She had to face many things in her lifetime - including the loss of children - yet she stayed strong emotionally and lived to be 87 years old.” I conclude as we climb back into the car.

The second woman is number one as far as influences went - it is, of course, my mother’s grave.  My son waits in the car to give me the privacy I need.  I whisper “I miss you mom” and lay the rose down on her headstone.

“I remember Grandma signing to me when we’d drive places.  She loved singing ‘Old Shep’ - it always made me want a dog of my own.” My son started as I got in the car.  I nodded, trying to shrug off the sadness that has befallen me.

“She’d cook whatever I wanted whenever I stayed at her house.  I also remember her beautiful handwriting - no one writes like that anymore.” He goes on, ”It is so weird when people tell me they are spending time with their Grandma’s because mine have been gone for so long.  I envy them.”

“Mom suffered so much as a young girl.  Her father abused her which gave her no self-esteem.  She was practically afraid of her own shadow and often retreated into herself.  Later in life, she rose like the Phoenix from the rubble of her past and found happiness, independence, and confidence.  She showed me that it is never too late to change  as long as a person has breath, they can reinvent themselves.” I feel the tears welling in my eyes and quickly - faster then the 15 mph posted limit, drive to the final grave we are visiting today.

My son joins me at the graveside of his Great Grandma Hestness.  I put the rose between the headstones of her and her husband, Clarence.  “Grandma Hestness’s life showed me that I don’t want to be alone in my old age.  She sat around waiting for phone calls from her children - sometimes she had to wait a very long time.  When we did get together, she liked to play Shanghi and was quite cut throat about it.  She could - out of guilt or sympathy - get us to give her a card she needed, then go out on us all with a loud triumphant cry.” I smiled thinking about all the times I fell for her ‘poor me’ routine only to have her leave me with a fistful of cards.  She didn’t like to lose.  I learned to dislike competitive things from her.  I found it was more satisfying letting someone else take the glory - I am a background worker and content to be so.

As we leave the cemetery, my son wishes, once again, that his grandparents were still alive.  “Just think of all the things in history that they experienced first hand.” He sighs, “I wish I could visit with them to hear their stories.”

I nodded.  I have often wished the same thing.  I wish I had realized what a wealth of information they were back when I was young so I could have paid better attention…but I didn’t and now the opportunity is lost forever.

Sleep of the Dead

Admittedly, I was tired.  Seriously, I came home and felt like I could sleep for a year.  Was in bed by 9am and slept…till 6pm.  I didn’t hear the kids get up, didn’t hear the noise the dogs made, had the window open and didn’t hear the usually loud neighbors.  Slept like the dead. 

The problem, of course, is that now my entire Saturday is gone and I only have one day left of my weekend.  Yesterday I also slept like the dead for nine hours so one would have thought I wouldn’t need that much today but I must have if I slept that soundly.  Maybe my iron level has dropped again - I always sleep more when it is lower then just below normal.  Don’t think it is ever what the doctor’s consider “normal”…so guess below normal is normal for me. 

From the looks of it outside, it has been raining for awhile now.  Maybe that contributed to sleeping better as it would have kept noisy people indoors…

Last night was hell.  We had bar sweeps going on - that is where a team hits every bar in town several times to hand out tickets to underaged bar drinkers - so that was an added burden to an already busy Friday night.  Had three officers on duty doing traffic stops and nine guards on duty checking each of the buildings.  We had a stolen vehicle, several fights, one foot pursuit, vehicle break-ins and I lost count of the public intox pickups.  We didn’t even get a break until after 4 am cuz it was too busy. 

Even though I felt overwhelmed a few times and it was stressful, I enjoyed being that busy.  My hope is that, someday soon, I can handle all of that without feeling like I’m screwing it all up by being too slow.  I really have a new found respect for the dispatchers in Sarasota who handle five times as many people and situations - no wonder some of them got loud with frustration at times.

Guess I’ll go take Baxter out for a short ride.  He has been kind of down the past couple of days because I’ve been too busy and too tired to take him out to play.  I’d take him for a walk but it is still raining out and I don’t feel like getting wet.

Was looking for apartments today and was very disappointed at the lack of acceptable units in my price range.  Will have to keep looking but hope something comes up soon as I want to put a deposit down so I can move in the first of June.  {sigh}

 

Great Debate

So today I kind of snapped at my Lt in front of others.  It happened right as my shift was coming to a close - I acted ungraciously when he corrected me on something.  In my defence, I have slept maybe four hours since 9pm Tuesday.  Too much going on to actually sleep.  Really, I think part of it is adjusting to this shift - I thought I was but now seem to be struggling.

Still, its no excuse.  I’m not one to be disrespective or insubordinate to supervisors.  I feel badly about it.  As I sit here at Panera, I keep thinking I should call to apologize.  Part of me, though, thinks he’d ind that weird - apologizing for a minor infraction - and I don’t want to be considered weird or strange.

The other part of me thinks I should apologize now not only for his benefit but also for my own because I’ll probably stress over it for hours, whereas if I picked up the phone now, my conscience would be clear. 

Another thought is that I’m still very exhausted which increases the likelihood that I’d flub up the apology making the whole thing more bizarre.  This Lt has been under a lot of pressure himself lately and it bothers me that I probably added to his discontentment.  Maybe I’ll send him an email….

Nissan

In Florida I purchased a Nissan Sentra.  Florida, being a one-license plate state, orders it’s cars without the front license plate option on it’s bumpers.  Now, Iowa is a two-license plate state so I had to run to Nissan today to purchase a plate base to attach to my car so I can put the front plate on.  Personally, I was going to say f**k it but then, at work last night, we stopped three cars because they didn’t have front plates and I figured I don’t want a ticket for something so asinine.

Of course, the Nissan guy wouldn’t install the damn thing for me - he didn’t want to “damage” the bumper by possibly doing it wrong.  Oh yeah, that gives me all the confidence in the world that I, a regular layperson, will be able to put it on straight.  Ugh.

Tomorrow I have to drive myself and a coworker to Des Moines for a stupid class so I would like the plate on properly by then.  I spent almost $300 just getting my insurance switched up here and getting my car registered because I didn’t want to be stopped with a coworker in the car for having expired Florida plates.  Always something.

I just know I’m very tired today and I’ll be lucky if I get five hours sleep tomorrow so I need to be sure to get a good nap in tonight before I go to work.  I have to take my son to his job in a few minutes, then I need to stop by the library but then I need to be in bed by 7pm so I can be up by 9:30 to get ready for work.  I may let my coworker drive my car, especially on the way home, tomorrow and let me rest.  Ugh.  I hate having to go there - it seems like such a stupid waste of time.  The test we have to take should be available locally.

I also have three classes on the internet that I need to take when I have time.  It isn’t required like tomorrow’s test but they would really like me to.  It has to do with disaster management which I have already taken a lot of the classes for but not these three.  So I will do that this weekend.  I sent for my transcript of the other FEMA classes because I don’t remember where I have it in my packed boxes of stuff.  I need to resume taking the classes for the heck of it - I enjoy learning about disasters.  Maybe someday I’ll get money enough to pay for the college credit I could get for each class - then I’d have a degree or certification in emergency management.  I’ve got a lot of it done already.

Hickory Hill

Today Baxter and I tackled Hickory Hill Park. It is a large, wooded park that has a lot of steep hills to the trail. I thought we’d enjoy a vigorous walk and I needed the exercise to help me get ready for Wyoming. I’m afraid I’m not going to be in very good shape by then. Might have to stick to the easier trails.

Baxter managed to find the only mud puddle in the whole park to lay down in. He was filthy. We had a great 2 hour walk - admittedly part of the reason it was so long is that Baxter got us lost. I used my incrediable sense of direction to find our way which I did, no thanks to the dog. He just wanted to play in the creek so went out of his way to direct us back to it rather then to the car. LOL

The park was as lovely as I remembered - a lot larger though. We saw some rabbits, Cardinals and even two deer. Many trees were in bloom - I tried to take a few pictures but don’t think any of them came out well.

Ryerson’s Woods

Walking the trail at Ryerson’s Woods yesterday brought back a lot of memories. It also made me decide that I’m going to have to leave Baxter home on the days I want to maximize my workout. He wants to stop so often that I lose some of the benefit of the exercise.

As I sat on the deck overlook, I asked myself again what possessed me to leave Iowa in the 1st place. It is beautiful. Really, anyplace becomes routine and ruttish. Once life becomes so predictable then we all start looking over the fence for greener grass. I guess that is part of it. I wanted a change to get out of my rut and thought it would only work with a change of scenery. It did work too, for awhile, then I fell into a new rut there and Florida lost its major appeal.

Now I’m back and I can’t help but wonder how long I have till the rut reappears in my life? I plan on doing things differently this time - staying active and doing more traveling around Iowa. Also plan on trips to Chicago and down to see Paula - I just need to get my own place and get a bit settled.

Attraction

I must have been halfway attractive once. As I look in the mirror, I try to see myself as even remotely attractive but I find it difficult. I’ve never considered myself attractive or even remarkably average - I’ve always described my appearance as more of a “Plain Jane.”

What has always confused me, in light of this consideration, is how men fell so hard for me - some to the point of obsession. What did they say that I don’t? Could it be that I am possibly a bit above average in the looks department…or was?

I think it was more my refusal to be tied down - my free spirit. I was someone they couldn’t have - I didn’t want marriage and told them so upfront. But, yet, I had men “in love” with me who I never dated. Men who started out as friends and would have remained friends had they not expressed how they were starting to feel about me.

I wish I was beautiful - had the classic beauty of Angelina Jolie - but I don’t and never will. But maybe I can get back to “somewhat attractive in the right light” look. I am working at it and hope to be in great shape by Christmas.

Will I “date” again? I honestly don’t know. I’d really like a guy friend to do things with, but not become involved sexually. I do know my makeup and clothes are sadly outdated. Maybe I can buy new soon.

The City Sleeps

Each night, well after most adults are in bed, I watch the city fall asleep. City corners that thrive up until three am, grow suddenly vacant as if the last of the humans evaporated when that magical hour sounded on the old grandfather clock of time. I try to watch my cameras around downtown to bear witness to the phenomenon but usually I’m too busy with radio traffic from my officers.

I’ll glance up and the area is full of college students, glance back up a half hour later and the only living thing in the entire vicinity are a few birds that flutter past the camera’s lens. Various remnants of humans remain - many paper cups dance across the Pentecrest in a choreographic mix of hip hop and ballet. The whole transformation is exceptional - I feel privileged to see it through my little web of cameras.

But wait, that’s not all. A mere 2 1/2 hours later - as the darkness takes on lighter shades of pale, I watch the city yawn and stretch itself back to life. The working class make their way to their various catacombs in the buildings that stand sentry over the Pentecrest; delivery trucks arrive laden with packages; and City buses magically arrive at their designated areas.

Just as magically, the tired, lonely feeling that befell me as the City slipped into slumber, whisks away as the new day dawns.

Men

Why are all the men I’m attracted to already taken? Hardly seems fair. It takes so many factors to actually induce attraction on my part…so few men even get halfway there.

There is a man that I met a few days ago that makes the butterflies flutter in my chest. He is my age, my height, funny, sweet, thoughtful and has lovely eyes. I’ve only seen him smile a few times but every time it makes my heart set up a few beats. When his eyes meet mine, I have to look away for fear he’ll detect what I’m thinking and feeling.

So what’s the problem? Two things - he is married which, of course, kills it right there. He doesn’t wear a wedding ring but I made a few discrete inquiries. He has a 12 yr old son and has been married for over that many years.

Secondly, I work with him which violates a major life policy of mine not to become involved with anyone I work with. It is just too messy with too many complications.

Ok, thirdly, if that is even a word…he doesn’t know I exist so really no point in even thinking about him. Personally, the last one isn’t too big of a factor which is why I said “two” things…I could always make him notice me if he was available to do so.

There is a bit of electricity to the air when he is in the room so maybe he has noticed me. I know the last time I felt that way for a guy that I worked with, one of my other coworkers said she thought she could feel sparks between him and I when we were in the same room. We both denied it but admitted privately that it was true. He was available but we didn’t act on it because it violated the whole coworker policy thing…and I was his supervisor so that was just an added complication.

So there you have it - my sad story of unrequited lust. {sigh}

Keep Smiling Always

Last night was my first night on late nites at work. That is 11pm-7am for those folks who are unaware that people really work those hours. We were slammed with calls, computer problems and many arrests. It was fun and yet a bit intimidating at the same time.

Today Baxter, Rocko and I went on a 2 mile walk - it was in the 60’s. Of course, why wouldn’t it be? My sister says each time she goes to Florida, Iowa warms up and she is in Florida right now. I hope she is having fun and that the weather is great down there.

I still haven’t gotten a picture of the elusive Cardinal on the trail however, the Cherry Blossoms made up for the slight the bird keeps giving me. What a beautiful sight seeing not only the Cherry Blossoms but also the Lilac Trees blooming filling the air with their sweet scent. I love Lilacs. When I buy a place, I am planting several Lilac bushes all around the house.

After the walk, I visited with my son who was a doll cuz he made me pancakes and eggs. It was delicious.