This was Angel’s last journal entry written 06/28/09 and it makes me cry. People, we all hate visiting doctor’s but this kind of thing is what they are there for – insurance or no insurance. As my mother use to say – “They can’t get blood from a turnip” – meaning, if you can’t pay for it right away, they will wait. The important thing is your health.
And for a moment, life becomes too real.
Actually, this is more so I’ll have a record of events/symptoms, in case I can’t remember later.
It started about a week before I quit my 911 job; and at that time, I thought maybe it was just jitters from the fact that I was quitting, losing my insurance, starting a new career, in my last quarter of school, and everything else. It was a lot to change all at once, and I’d hoped it was just a stress thing.
I’ve never been a very athletic person. I’m about 130-140 lbs., and at 5 feet even that’s a bit overweight, but not terrible. I don’t smoke or drink, I don’t even drink soda, and I usually eat organic foods when I can. I used to walk a great deal more than I have in recent years — ever since I started school, certain things like walking were curtailed for homework and other sedentary things. But I never had any trouble getting around, or taking stairs occasionally instead of the elevator, or things of that nature.
And about a week before I quit, I started having issues like that. Nothing huge; just that I would get winded for walking spurts, and stairs seemed rather daunting, and my backpack seemed too heavy. As I mentioned, I attributed most of that to stress, since I had plenty of it.
After a month and a half, it grew to the point of being winded by even smaller walking spurts. I could climb two flights of stairs, but my chest felt as if someone were crushing it from all sides, and I couldn’t get enough air. Which was silly, because I’d be listening to myself breathe hard, and the air was coming and going, it’s just as if my lungs weren’t registering that. It’s a very hard thing to describe… Not like chest pain, although my chest hurt unbearably. Not like heart problems, although my heart would be pounding in my ears. Not like asphyxiating, since the air was coming and going. But for some minutes after exerting myself over two lousy flights of stairs, I could do nothing but stand there and gasp and pant heavily.
Okay. So I couldn’t walk up stairs anymore. I began lightening the load in my backpack to only the essentials, and I took the elevator.
Another month passed. At this point, it became difficult to reach the front door of the office where I work without having the same sensation as described above. Granted, this was after a long 1-hour car ride, so I thought maybe the burst of energy after sitting for a long period had something to do with it. I was still hoping most of it was due to stress, and figured once school was over I could simply stop worrying about it.
I began walking much slower — at a snail’s pace, really. It helped a little, and once I got over the initial weirdness, I could walk much easier. That’s another odd thing — this weird sensation hits me in the first few minutes of walking, and if I keep walking during it, it eventually fades and I can walk just fine afterward.
Or at least I could, until a few weeks ago. I graduated June 19, and for a day and a half afterward (not the weekend directly afterward, but Monday and part of Tuesday), it actually lessened, and I was relatively alright. I walked from my car to my office door without having to stop my usual two times to catch my breath. This confirmed my thoughts that it had just been a stress issue. Then, on Wednesday, it hit me harder than ever, for no reason whatsoever.
At this point, I can barely walk to my mom’s front door from my car door. Once I reach it, I have to lean over the wall or something, and gasp for breath for several minutes. Walking has begun to affect other things beyond my breathing — I get a sharp pain in my head, behind my eye and through my jaw, and can’t continue. If I sit or lay down at this point, it just gets worse.
I can’t bend over. If I lean down to pick something up, whether I’m sitting or standing, this weird feeling of a head-rush comes over me and I nearly black out. Three times this weekend when I bent over from sitting, I felt disembodied — like my spirit was hovering a few inches out of my limbs, and I could no longer feel my arms or see through my eyes. Once I sat back, the feeling faded, and everything went back to normal.
I’ve given up chores, for the most part, both here and at my home. Sex is exhausting. (I’m sure you wanted to know that.) Most everything else is exhausting. Now even when I simply sit, my back begins faintly to hurt, or my chest feels oddly heavy. And the worst part, perhaps, in all this, is that I won’t have health insurance until October. I have to live this way all summer, because I can’t afford to do anything otherwise.
I often wondered at the sense of urgency I’ve always had, ever since I was little. I always felt that I would never have enough time to do everything I wanted to; and so I felt like I had to squash it all into as little time as I could. It’s made many things less enjoyable, and many more things more enjoyable. But I still wonder. I’ve never felt so weak and helpless in all my life. And if I sit hunched over my computer here, I don’t feel it at all… there’s no pain, nothing at all indicating that anything is wrong.
I just don’t know what to do. I really don’t… Can it still be from stress? I still have plenty of it… I graduated, and got a job, and things are falling into place. But there’s still so much to worry about… the lack of health insurance, for one thing, or that I’m away from my family for five days a week, or all the driving I do every day, or the crack in my windshield, or trying to find/buy a house…
I don’t know.
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