911 Dilemma

There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience. –European Proverb

Ok, I just got in trouble at work. It wasn’t a big thing – my supervisor did a very good job at not making me feel like an idiot.

I had a caller who said his coworker was suicidal. I tried everything to find this woman – so did the caller. We finally got her address and the caller met the officers there. The woman was not home. The caller was frantic – he believed her when she said she was going to kill herself.

He had tried to call her several times to no avail. Frustrated beyond belief – I even called the cell phone company and they couldn’t help us – I asked the caller for the woman’s cell phone number. Only when all else failed did I dial the number.

It is against policy to call a suicidal person – no matter what. The theory is that it could push them over the edge or provoke them into fulfilling their threat. I understand that and can see where it might be a problem – but so is not finding her until it is too late. My number would have come up “private” so she wouldn’t have known it was the police calling – I was planning on coming up with something like her past landlord since I had her past address.

She didn’t answer the phone – we never found her – and we don’t know if she’ll end up killing herself or not. I was told that, once we had fulfilled the policy, I should have let it go. If she killed herself, she killed herself – I had done everything required of me.

I told my supervisor that I knew I was violating the policy but didn’t want to not try and then feel badly if she ended up dead. He patted my shoulder and told me he knew it was hard but I had to realize I couldn’t save the world.

Well, anyway, guess we will see what happens. Hopefully nothing. We had a man commit suicide earlier today – he shot himself in front of a grocery store and died there with a lot of people watching. It was sad. I didn’t want to think of her doing that as well.

Anyway, my supervisor felt better for talking to me about it – he had done his job – and I apologized so I guess I did mine. I hope we never have to find out that we could have done more and didn’t.

A man can only do what he can do. But if he does that each day he can sleep at night and do it again the next day. –Albert Schweitzer

Mexican Food

Considering all the food in my refrigerator, I couldn’t justify eating out again this evening. I actually ate a salad a few hours ago anyway so not very hungry now.

My coworkers went to a Mexican restaurant close by for food – that is, they ordered and someone went to pick it all up. They went to the same establishment the other day and I participated then – it cost me $8 to eat a few bites of a chicken burro. It was delicious but they had forgotten to leave off the tomatoes, hot peppers, onions and black olives so I couldn’t eat it.

The woman who placed the orders and picked it up is not a very nice person – I’d venture a bet that she didn’t ask them to leave the stuff off. She hates “special” orders but this place makes each item to order so there is no excuse for them having giving me everything.

I’m better off eating my salad anyway – Mexican food is not known for its nutritional value. Still, it smelled good. I really didn’t need to spend the money anyway. If I keep trying, I’m sure I can convince myself of that.

Influence by Others

Have you ever found yourself giving in or being influenced by others even though your instincts tell you not to? I have and in just about every case, I end up unhappy and only have myself to blame. Why do I listen to others even when I know its not what I want? Do I honestly think others know better then me what will make me happy? Maybe it is my no confrontational demeanor.

Simple examples that come to mind are – the blinds in my living room. My neighbor thought brown ones would look better then the white ones that came with the condo. Mind you, hers are also white. Personally, I like the white but bought brown ones to pacify my neighbor. It wasn’t like she mentioned it once or twice, she harped on it off and on for several years. Now, eight months or so later, I looked and the brown ones and wondered why I had listened to her. Why didn’t I just tell her to mind her own business? I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and trying the brown got her off my case about it.

When I went to buy a bike to replace the stolen one, she insisted I should get one without speeds. I actually thought it was a good idea because who will steal one without speeds? The trouble was…who wants to ride one without speeds? Not me. Now I have a bike I don’t really like and no one will steal it to give me an excuse to buy the one I want. {sigh}.

Today I was talking to a coworker. I told her I wanted a pug. She was trying to get rid of a dachshund and spent a good twenty minutes telling me why I wanted a dog like hers. You know, I don’t care much for the dachshunds. If it had been a terrier of some sort, I may have caved. But, in retrospect, I realized that I often cave on decisions that seem to be of little importance but continue to effect me – like the shades and bike. It made me wonder why.

With plenty of time on my hands due to getting my book finished way ahead of schedule, I’ve been analyzing this tendency of mine to not fight for what I want. What I’ve come up with is as follows:

I tend to pick my battles. Ones that seem small and insignificant I cave into only to regret it later. Battles that seem important, I stand my ground but the point is, even the insignificant seeming ones should make me stand my ground to get what I want.

I don’t like confrontation – unless it is necessary due to confliction with my values, integrity or has to do with my son or family. I can be very stubborn when I’m determined to get the right result.

I tend to cave to women more then to men. I think this has to do with my upbringing. Not having a father, I find I don’t trust men to know anything about what is best for me.

I hate when people try to manipulate me or bully me but will often put up with a small dosage of it. Usually manipulators and bullies get my ire up faster then anything.

I’m not proud of these character flaws. It is no wonder I feel like a door mat sometimes. Why do I care if people’s feelings are hurt? I’d rather not make myself unhappy or have resentment towards others so I need to just be forthright from the get go. You know?

Starter Wife Finale

So, Starter Wife ended last night. I wonder if it will come back for another season? I really didn’t expect to like the movie but Debra Messing did such a wonderful job that I quickly became a fan. I’ve got them all on DVD too so can watch them again if I so desire.

I liked how Messing made the character seem believable and how she changed from a snotty rich woman to a woman who made her own way. Her decision during last nights show – when both men were telling her she had to choose between them – epitomizes what I’ve been spouting for years. If you don’t know yourself – don’t get into a relationship because it won’t work. You must know and like yourself – only then can you be happy with another. It may sound like psychological babble but it is true just the same.

I liked too how she was rejected from one publisher on her idea for a book but didn’t give up and ended up being published. It shows us all that we shouldn’t give up on our dreams – no matter who tells us we can’t do it.

The other characters were good but not quite as “real” as Messing’s character. I’m surprised that I hope it continues next season – it just is nothing like shows I normally watch.