Maybe…

As you can tell from previous posts, I worry a lot about my son. I worry about his happiness and his ability to take care of himself. Not that he doesn’t do a good job at it – he does – but I still worry, you know? I worry about his bills and if he has enough to eat. Does he have a warm enough coat in the dead of winter when that cold North wind starts to blow and the snow seems to consume the land? Does he ever buy himself underwear and socks?

To worry about his life is to not have to notice how mine isn’t the way I want it to be. So worrying is a shield against the chaos I might see within myself if I dared to look. But today I wanted to look so I took a long drive and thought about where I am in my life.

One thing that struck me is the way my son sees me. I wonder if he thinks I’m boring? Anytime we talk he says “So how are you?” and I say “Same old, same old” and thus ends the input on what I have been doing. Wouldn’t it be great to say instead “I’m doing great. Went parasailing yesterday and plan on going down to the Keys this weekend”? Then when someone up north asked him “Say, how is your Mom these days?” he can actually give an enthused report about my latest escapades.

For all the worrying I do about my Son, I know that he worries about me as well. He worries that I’m alone down here – he worries that my neighborhood isn’t safe – and he worries I’ll never find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I think if I would pay closer attention to my life – it would help him in his. He would see I was happy and safe. If I did some of the things I talk about doing, instead of just talking about them, maybe he’d start doing the same. Then maybe we’d both find ourselves not worrying so much about the other. Maybe we would be more adventurous and explore new avenues instead of staying in our ruts.

I know I’m ready to give it a try.

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

Good Housekeeping on Poise…

No quality is more attractive than poise – that deep sense of being at ease with yourself and the world. –Good Housekeeping

I use to be poised, exuberant, rebellious and confident. I was as untamable as the wind, as tumultuous as a wave in squally seas, and so full of wonder at all the world held in store for me.

Today I wonder where that all went. I’m still pretty confident but where did my poise and exuberance go? Maturity accounts for some of it, I suppose. Like a child, we lose that sense of awe as we grow older. We know too many of the answers to questions we use to ask – or now the answers to the questions have lost their power to amaze us.

I know I’m still me and that I’m being too theatrical – life is good and I am happy with what I have. I have confined my muses to things more practical and unremarkable because I needed a break from the rat race. However, now I feel I’m truly ready again for the exhilaration and stimulation of what life has to offer me.

Once again I will be poised, exuberant and confident. I possibly will leave out my rebellious attitude this time around – it really wasn’t a very useful in getting me where I needed to be. It may take a bit of endurance and fastidiousness to get to where I need to be – but I will get there.

Looking for me in the chaos

Went to see my counselor, Susan, today. We discussed why I don’t think I deserve to be happy or have good things happen to me. She said I seem to be restricting myself on the things I allow myself to have, do and feel – as if doing and feeling those things is wrong somehow. The car, of course, was the topic.

In talking to her, I realized how much I limit myself because I feel that others should take from the “pot” before I spend money on myself. Not to say I don’t spend money on myself – I do but it is more frivolous things such as a new purse or things I really need like underwear and socks.

Concern was also expressed on how I isolate myself from the rest of the world. I need a hobby – preferably one that involves other people. However, as I explained before, a don’t really like a lot of other people being around me – it makes me claustrophobic. I need my space and my alone time to recharge my batteries.

I gave her my typed “life story” today as well. She asked me what I found out about myself while writing it – I told her that I found that I was closer to being the person I wanted to be ten years ago then I am right now. Somehow I slid backwards instead of moving forward.

But I am resolved to move forward – to make up for lost time by jump starting myself now. I’ve bought the car and I’m paying lots of money for dental work…both things are rungs on the ladder to getting myself back. I will succeed – I know it. In another year, I’ll be a more mature version of the woman I was in my twenties and thirties…before I let it all turn to crap.

Ever sit and wonder if you can pin point the exact time you let your life start the downward spiral? What event occurred to make me shut down so much and not realize it? Or possibly realizing it but doing nothing to stop it? At what juncture did I checkout of my life? When did I batten down for the big storm and forget to open up again when the storm had passed? No wonder I have issues – I’m suffocating myself.

{sigh} I will say that my anger has been 99% better since starting to see Susan. I have an outlet now and it is making everything more tolerable.

There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from. –Elisabeth Kubler-Ross