Well, It’s Done

My latest 120 sheet spiral notebook is full so I can’t write anymore posts until I get to the store to buy another one. I went through eight new blue pens this past month too so need to get a few more of them. Lord knows the posts just don’t look right if the ink isn’t blue.

So I’m off to Walgreens…

Bet You Wouldn’t Have Thunk It

Bet you didn’t think I could possibly top the lady with the knife in her vagina (or, “vajj” as Oprah calls it). Well the other day we had a call from a nursing home regarding one of their 90+ year old men.

It seems the man was complaining of rectal pain and guess what they found? A foreign object. Anyone care to venture a guess as to what that object was? Well, let’s just say a chicken somewhere is missing a bone. How, and more importantly, why does such things happen? Your guess is as good as mine. It isn’t one of those things you could write home about, that is for sure.

I had other calls to share but most of them I no longer remember. Gonna have to start taking notes I guess. If I don’t get them down before I go to sleep, they are lost. It is like each night when I go to bed the slate in my brain is wiped clean in preparation of the next day’s events.

Dumb and Dumber

I have a “Dumb and Dumber” story to share – feel free to roll your eyes as you read it.

The other night a couple of friends were out drinking at a bar. When it came time to leave one of the men was so drunk he could barely make it to the door.

Being good friends, the other two helped him on his motorcycle…to be really helpful, they even started it for him. They decided to follow him home to make sure he made it safely. His trip involved a long stretch down the interstate.

The very drunk driver fell asleep going 90 mph on his motorcycle. The result, of course, was him crashing. His good friends were sober enough to call an ambulance.

So this man suffered major internal injuries and numerous broken bones courtesy of his well-meaning, very good (albeit stupid) friends. Makes you think twice about who you go drinking with, doesn’t it?

The Highly Intelligent Human Race

There seems there is no where to hide
from the highly intelligent human race.
They seem to come out in droves,
especially working in this place.

The callers call us in their dire,
troubling times of need…
Like the girl with the staple in her finger -
“help oh help” she continued to plead.

OMG, the alligators are out of the water -
the raccoons are up in the trees!
The world is in total chaos -
God save us from those killer bees!

Mother’s call us in anger because
their children are out of control -
Their five year olds are being sassy,
and their teens are disgusting trolls.

“My husband isn’t breathing” A
hysterical woman cries…
When instructed to do mouth-to-mouth she said
“How gross, I’d rather let him die.”

The paranoid schizophrenics are by
far the very most fun -
their antics greatly amuse us -
Oh God, do you think I’m one???

“Please come to my house so you can
see the UFO hovering over my tree.”
“I want to go to the hospital so
I can get my drugs for free.”

“Those pesky kids next door are outside
playing way too late.”
“My child is being belligerent and
won’t eat the food on her plate.”

I’m sure I don’t know what we’d do if
the people were more intelligent then this -
Makes you kind of wonder what would be
on the “Highly Stupid Human Race” list…

Deaf Coworkers

The whole room is going deaf. I call out someone’s name four to six times before they hear me. I mean I SHOUT as loud as I can without drawing too much attention to myself. I don’t want everyone’s attention – just the person’s name I’m practically screaming.

Each time I start to raise my voice, I hear in my head Mom telling me it isn’t polite to shout. Forget rolling over in her grave, she’d throw off the lid and claw her way to the top just to bop me on the head.

{sigh} Maybe I’ll get everyone q-tips for Christmas so they can clean out their ears before I go hoarse from yelling so much. Everyone seems to think I talk to softly…that my yell is barely louder then my normal speaking voice but I swear I’m as loud as a bullhorn!