Food & Friends

Went out with friends tonight to Carabba’s - it was the first time I had ever been there. The food was excellent - had calamari for an appetizer which was also very good.

We laughed and chatted for over 2 hours before going back to my friend’s house to consume some wine and chat some more. I had a really good time.

It was also happy hour and those margaritas were flowing perfectly. I had four…yes, that is two, too many but they were so good. One of my friends had cosmos and the other had martini’s.

Why is it that, now that I’m leaving, my friends want to get together more then they did throughout the years I was here? If we had bonded more through dinners and laughter, I might have had a harder time at deciding to go. I still would have gone though.

Hope I don’t have heartburn tomorrow from the alcohol - it tends to do that to me. Right now, even though it is only 10 pm, I’m seriously considering bed. Have a 12 hr day tomorrow so could use the sleep plus have to get up early to do a few things before work.

38 Days to Go!

Have 38 more days before I leave Florida…less then that before my sister arrives. Hope to have everything pretty much done so we can spend our time on the beach. I need to work on my tan some.

Tomorrow I see Susan and then go out with friends for supper. Have a lot to get done in between those two things. Need to go pick up some boxes too - I’m going to have to have some sort of bubble wrap or something to wrap breakables in. Think I’ll start sending stuff up to my son’s place - they have an extra room they can store it in until I get there.

Haven’t been sleeping well since Denise. I have nightmares but, thankfully, don’t remember them when I wake up. Usually I’m so knotted up in my sheets that it is quite amazing I got any sleep at all. How does one start out with nice, straightened out sheets at night - only to wake up with them upside down, backwards, and twisted all around my body? Sometimes they are damp from sweat too.

Baxter went to the groomers today. They cut his fur all off like a man’s military cut. It looks adorable! I can’t get over how muscular and sturdy he is - no wonder if feels like my arm will come out of the socket when he hits the end of his leash at a run.

We have been outside playing most of the day today because it was so gorgeous outside. Went for several long walks.

Well, have to get back at it.

Monday Night Blues

Kind of had the blues tonight. So much stuff to do to get ready to move - it is amazing. Seems like I can work on it for hours and barely make a dent. It is easy to say everything goes but doubt everything will because I have too much stuff with sentimental meaning. Ugh.

You know, in my job I meet, via the phone, all kinds of people. It never fails to amuse me how so many of them think they are “all that and a bag of chips” when really they are no better, no more macho, no more entitled then anyone else. They believe their wealth or their job gives them some sort of status that means the world owes them more.

What it boils down to is that they think they have some sort of power to bend the rest of us to their will. They also expect that we respect and acknowledge their superiority when in fact, I wouldn’t cross the room to spit on them. The only status they have is that of being royal pains in the ass. They strut around with their bimbos because they know that a woman with actual smarts and a genuine sense of humor wouldn’t grace their presence - she’d see them for what they really are.

So folks - those of you who walk around thinking you are hot shit - keep your head up there in the clouds so you won’t see the rest of us laughing at you.

Who Knows?

It is Sunday and I’m scheduled to work 8 hrs of overtime though I don’t really want to. I tried to get it off but we are shorthanded again.

Today is Denise’s fundraiser in North Port. It is for her kids and I’d love to go but can’t. I was hoping her dad would be there so I could tell him how sorry I was. I’d tell her husband too but her father seemed more devastated. It still makes me cry.

I don’t understand how a killer could hear his victim pleading for her life and not be moved to let her go. How could he look into his victim’s terrified eyes and still pull the trigger? My god, the sadistic bastard. I just want him dead…no quarter given.

Sometimes, like now, I’m in a room (IHOP) full of people but feel alone - an alien in human form. They laugh, let their kids misbehave, and are obviously enjoying their lives. They have no thought of the grim reaper visiting them or a loved one today. I look at the children and wonder - which one will be steamrolled by tragedy, violence and death?

I know I have to quit thinking like this but it is difficult when I am privy to the horrors humans visit on one another. Had a daughter that got angry at her 90+ year old mother and pushed her down to the floor. The elderly woman broke her hip and wrist. Who does that kind of thing? Who would then leave her mom laying on the floor, hurt, because she didn’t want to get in trouble with the police? Obviously it wasn’t all that accidental because she showed no remorse.

While walking Baxter this morning - I wanted to stop several people I saw walking along and ask them if they knew - right then and there -where they were. Most people walk around having no idea of their location. If they had to stop to call 911 right then, they’d struggle to give identifiers for the area they are standing. I understand how we all have important things on our minds - but folks, take a few seconds every minute or two to notice a street sign, address, landmark, something so that - god forbid - you had to call us, we could actually respond.

Behind Closed Doors

My baby makes me proud, Lord don’t she make me proud. She never makes a scene by hanging all over me in a crowd. Cause people like to talk, lord don’t they love to talk. But when they turn out the lights, I know she’ll be leaving with me.

And when we get being closed doors and she lets her hair hang down, and she makes me glad that I’m a man - oh no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Now my baby makes me smile, lord don’t she make me smile. She’s never far away or too tired to say “I want you”. She’s always a lady, just like a lady should be - but when they turn out the lights, she still my baby to me.

Cause when we get behind closed doors, when she lets her hair hang down, and she makes me glad I’m her man - oh no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. - Charlie Rich

Was just listening to this song on my mp3 player. Hey, Mom always listened to Charlie Rich and some of the older stars of country music so it is no wonder I’m still listening to it.

Behind closed doors. We all have our public persona and our private one - the latter being the one we show our lover whether the closed door is the bedroom or the front door (more places in the house then just the bedroom guys).

We like to put this kind of thing under the umbrella of intimacy - it makes it easier then thinking about the actual animal magnetism that goes on behind closed doors. The primal desires that turn a man’s lady into a lustful slut (sorry ladies, I know how much we hate that word).

Face it, we want to be treated like ladies - with consideration and respect - but when that door closes and we are with the one we love…things get a bit heated and I don’t mean in an argumentative way.

Sometimes I think we can show that side of our selves to the wrong men - or at the wrong time. It is frustrating to want to be intimately raw with a guy who scares easily or who isn’t ready for raw.

What am I getting at? That song made me think of my friend Lucy who said one of the guys she was dancing with told her she was too ladylike for him. It made her upset because, while she wants to be noticed for being a lady, she also wants to be seen as a woman with primal sexual needs. She said she wanted to tell him she isn’t a lady behind closed doors.

Aw…nothing like a day in the animal kingdom.

Timeless Love

Quite frankly folks, I don’t feel like writing anything. I have so much on my mind lately that it is hard to be objective or interested in any one thing. I’m so tired - I can’t make sense of my jumbled mind. At this rate, I’ll be too tired to workout.

Its been a trying day. I gave away my cat whom I’ve had since he was weaned about 20 months ago. I just couldn’t deal with him anymore in that he tears everything up and constantly tried climbing the window screens till he broke three beyond repair. But more then that, I just couldn’t handle his constant biting and scratching of Baxter. I’ve already spent over $100 on getting Baxter’s ear stitched up - I just can’t afford to keep doing this. Still, I feel badly about it but he did go to a good home so that makes it more bearable. Yes, the cat lovers are pissed that I chose my dog over the cat when I had the cat first but such is life - I am a dog lover and there was just no contest.

But with everything else going on today, I didn’t need this added to it. Seems like there’s been a lot of negativity in my life - even positive things seem to turn negative. But I think my perception is off right now - I’m just feeling overwhelmed. Have so many things that need done yet. {sigh}

Went to the hair salon for a new, shorter hairstyle. I asked the guy to take off an inch - he must have thought I said leave an inch because it is extremely short now. Still I like it alright. While sitting there as he cut away, several other people were discussing the Denise Amber Lee case - trying to solve the “why” that alluded police. I told them some people are evil - that is all there is to it. Her assailant shot her in the head…I had wondered how he had killed her. Such a sad thing.

A job I would like to have has opened up in Iowa and, after much debate with Personnel, the U of I has agreed to let the education center down here administer the tests I need so that is excellent. I should have some interviews set up right when I get there. This job is similar to my current one.

I haven’t found a place to live yet but am confident something will turn up before I get there. It’s a little stressful because I don’t want to stay with someone else while I look. I wouldn’t hate inconveniencing my host by being the perpetual guest who never leaves.

There is some stress over the disposition of my condo - should I rent it or sell it…etc. Plus I’m sorting through my things - some that I’ve had for quite awhile - to get rid of it. Am only taking those things that mean the absolute most to me. It is difficult to let some of it go.

People are starting to try to persuade me to stay and a few are taking me out to dinner - though they say its more to cheer me up then say goodbye just yet. A few are inviting men for me to meet in hopes that maybe a new relationship would keep me here…of course it won’t.

Even if I spend all my days alone in Iowa - no significant other - being there with family is more important. Yes, there are more guys down here and several are rich - but I’ve never been one worried about wanting a sugar daddy. I enjoy working for what I have…sure I’d like to win the lotto to pay off my bills but I don’t want to be a “kept” woman.

Mistakes are something I hate when they are mine but am forgiving when they are made by others. Sometimes I run into people who are intolerant of mistakes or unable to look pass mistakes in others even though they confess to having mistakes of their own. Nobody is perfect - if they were, they’d probably be pretty damn boring.

I’m reminded of a call I had awhile back - an elderly man (late 80’s) found his wife of fifty-eight years dead in their bed. I decided to stay on the line with him until the rescue arrived because he seemed like he needed someone to talk to.

He calmly told me how they would have breakfast together each morning - eggs and bacon. He said she knew exactly how to butter his toast and cook his eggs so the whites weren’t runny. Every morning, he said, they’d take a walk around the block and how she would have to go slower then she normally would because he had to use a walker the past several years. At the grocery store, she knew exactly which fruits were ripe and which weren’t. He liked, he said to watch her make the bed each morning - she’d smooth out the sheets with such care and love - then at night she’d fluff his pillows up just right so he could read awhile in comfort.

He told me how she fussed over him - making sure his clothes were pressed and properly tucked in, making sure he ate his prunes, test sipping his coffee to make sure it wasn’t too hot…I’m sure he could have gone on for quite awhile but the rescue got there. The last thing he said to me was how was he suppose to go on living without her?

Every now and then I think about that elderly man - wondering how he is doing, how he has adjusted to his new life. I wonder how well he recovered emotionally from losing the love of his life. Sometimes it saddens me because I don’t imagine I’ll ever experience that kind of togetherness they shared. To me, such a love is rare yet timeless.

Young people today who are in such a rush to get married and then end up in divorce, have no idea what that kind of love is like. They probably don’t even know to look for it.

I’m sorry, I’m rambling - I tend to do that when I’m this tired. Think all those 3am nights are catching up with me. Just want to go to bed.

Humidity is Hard on the Hair

Just got back from walking Baxter at the park. He seemed to have a hard time with the walk - could it be because the humidity is 91%?? Probably.

While walking around, I was debating cutting my hair off to a much shorter style. I’ve been thinking about this for awhile but damn, it takes so long to grow it out to this length and I kind of like the natural curls (though curls are not “in” this year). I can’t decide.

My sister Marge says, in her opinion, women over a certain age (don’t remember the age but know I’m over it) shouldn’t wear their hair longer. I’m not saying she is right or wrong - but I can see her angle on it.

Figure I’ll give it another day and cut it tomorrow if that is what I decide to do.

Damn the Devil Anyway….

I almost didn’t go workout tonight. I made all kinds of excuses about how exhausted I was and how my muscles hurt from last night’s workout. So I crawled into my nice warm bed, content to get a good night’s sleep. No one could be expected to workout at the gym every day, could they? Other then professional athletes that is.

However, that little devil on my shoulder wouldn’t shut up about a lot of things going on in my life right now. Every time I started slipping blissfully into dreamland, the little devil would bring up some unresolved issue that I needed to be thinking about (though preferably not at midnight).

I groaned, knowing the only way I was going to get any sleep - other then sleeping pills - was to work off the excess energy. So I got out of bed, got dressed and drove to the gym. No one else seems to have these problems this time of night for the whole place was empty but for me. Worked out 90 minutes then called it a night.

Now it is after 2am and I need to get to bed. Want to get Baxter’s walk in early so we can get a good start on moving out more stuff.

What a busy day!

I have gotten so much accomplished today! The house is starting to look empty because furniture keeps going out to the curb - none of it lasts more then 30 minutes before it is snatched up by passerby’s.

Took Baxter on his nice long walk that we had to cut a little short because the park attendant forgot to open the bathrooms before they left to go on to other parks. When I called, they said it would be about 90 minutes before they got back so we had to go. Baxter might be able to discreetly pee in the grass but they frown when humans do it.

The weather is awesome - low 70’s. Not much of a breeze though so not as gorgeous as yesterday…not as fun either now that I think about it. But still productive!

Ran errands and have been home since. I can’t believe how much paper stuff I have accumulated over the years! It has just been amazing.

Tried to make an apt for Baxter to be groomed but they need a copy of his rabies information from his vet - since Baxter was given to me and his paperwork wasn’t, I will have to take him to a vet for another rabies shot before they will groom him. Sounds like something I’ll wait to do in Iowa.

The old fart next door kept watching me all afternoon. The guy gives me the creeps! He stood there sipping his mixed drink watching as I lugged stuff out - no offer to help which I wouldn’t have taken anyway because the last place I want him is in my condo. He always asks if I got laid recently. Today I said “yes” and he was so flabbergasted he didn’t know what to say. I’m sure he was trying to remember if he’d seen any men hanging out around my house lately. I always tell him it’s none of his business but damn, that doesn’t seem to stop him from asking all the time anyway. Figured a change in answer might shut him up. Imagine he’ll be asking the neighbors who I’ve been sleeping with. The nosy old codger.

It is raining now which is not a good thing considering I have furniture at the curb but guess the garbage truck will pickup whatever gets rain damaged. Well, the mailman just came - have to go see if the new battery is in for my digital camera.

Workout Burn

Well, it is 3 am and I made it through another workout. Have to say, I love feeling my muscles work. My only complaint is my neck muscle - I need a neck massage when I’m done. There has to be a way to minimilize the impact on it.

Time for bed. I’m rather tired now but not tired enough to sleep. Imagine I’ll drift off soon enough. What a gorgeous and fun day! Tomorrow is suppose to be as beautiful outside…I wonder if it will be as fun?

Have a lot to do tomorrow!