Why Me?

Why do bad things happen to good people? It is a universal, often asked question that does not come with a pat answer.

I don’t want to make this about me but then again, I can only tell you how I feel about the whole thing.

We had a bad situation yesterday – a caller that had little chance of survival – called us for help. We were unable to save her. After work I cam home to walk my dog and to think over the whole thing.

While walking I started talking to God and I asked him why, of all the people that were at the phones yesterday, did it have to be me who answered? Me who gets too emotionally involved and dwells too much on the safety of our callers. Why couldn’t it have been someone who can shrug off the call and not be so deeply troubled by it?

I couldn’t save her – there was little I could do. I couldn’t even offer her reassurances that we would get to her in time because chances were we wouldn’t.

I tried to think about why I was given such a hopeless call. Why didn’t God help us to save her? She was too young to die. I couldn’t provide comfort – I couldn’t do anything to ease her suffering.

Maybe I didn’t get it for her – maybe I got it for me. Maybe God wanted to drive home that time is short and we never know when our time is up. Maybe He wanted me to realize, again, how important family is. Maybe it was to learn from her courage. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here that is positive – not negative. I can only hope that it is the case – would like to believe that this incident won’t be wasted.

I walked around Publix when I got off work. They let several of us who had been involved in the incident go home early. As I was strolling through the store, I watched the people around me. How strange, I thought, that they go on with their lives and this whole incident means nothing to them. It is just a sad commentary of the world today that they heard on the local news channel. They can’t put a voice to that face.

Maybe they’ll lock their doors more or be more alert of strangers – but when all is said and done, they probably won’t even remember her name. It will be burned on my memory for quite awhile. I felt like an alien walking among the humans – they live in their bubble, safe from the gremlins and goblins that are stalking around looking for prey to devour.

Please people, be safe and remember that it is a jungle – an incredibly dangerous jungle – out there.

Feel This

Yesterday I took a very disturbing call. I can’t tell you the details – it is an ongoing investigation so the stuff isn’t available to the public yet.

Let me just say, it was the kind of call that rips your guts out right after shredding your heart. You think I jest? I’m not by any stretch of the imagination.

Since that call, several of us have been very upset and having a difficult time dealing. We all hope for an outcome different from the one we know is coming. Each new sprig of information brings hope, raises our spirits, and then something happens to dash it which brings us even further down.

Today at work I’ve had several people say that they know how I feel – and I’m sure that they do. A few start in those platitudes about how we did everything we could so we shouldn’t feel bad, sad or guilty. I’ve heard a few say that we’ll get over it in time. Some have told stories about how they have been through worse and that we need to concentrate on the good things.

Well, I know they are well meaning and I know that everything they say is true – but that doesn’t comfort me or make me feel better. Yes, we did all we could given the information we had to go on – we did an excellent job really, but tell that to Denise. Explain to her how we did our best and she should be happy with that.

I don’t want to be asked one more time how I’m holding up. I’m doing as well as can be expected – I’m obviously doing better then Denise. Last night, in a state of emotional grief, I actually became worried her ghost would come to me and ask me why we failed to save her. I had no idea what I would say to her ghost if it did appear.

Frankly, I’m weary. I’m drained dry of emotions so just want to sit in my condo for awhile and get my grieving done. Yes, I am grieving. Even though I don’t know her, I’m still in mourning for her passing. She sounded smart and full of life – I hope she put up one helluv a fight.