Behind Closed Doors

My baby makes me proud, Lord don’t she make me proud. She never makes a scene by hanging all over me in a crowd. Cause people like to talk, lord don’t they love to talk. But when they turn out the lights, I know she’ll be leaving with me.

And when we get being closed doors and she lets her hair hang down, and she makes me glad that I’m a man – oh no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Now my baby makes me smile, lord don’t she make me smile. She’s never far away or too tired to say “I want you”. She’s always a lady, just like a lady should be – but when they turn out the lights, she still my baby to me.

Cause when we get behind closed doors, when she lets her hair hang down, and she makes me glad I’m her man – oh no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. – Charlie Rich

Was just listening to this song on my mp3 player. Hey, Mom always listened to Charlie Rich and some of the older stars of country music so it is no wonder I’m still listening to it.

Behind closed doors. We all have our public persona and our private one – the latter being the one we show our lover whether the closed door is the bedroom or the front door (more places in the house then just the bedroom guys).

We like to put this kind of thing under the umbrella of intimacy – it makes it easier then thinking about the actual animal magnetism that goes on behind closed doors. The primal desires that turn a man’s lady into a lustful slut (sorry ladies, I know how much we hate that word).

Face it, we want to be treated like ladies – with consideration and respect – but when that door closes and we are with the one we love…things get a bit heated and I don’t mean in an argumentative way.

Sometimes I think we can show that side of our selves to the wrong men – or at the wrong time. It is frustrating to want to be intimately raw with a guy who scares easily or who isn’t ready for raw.

What am I getting at? That song made me think of my friend Lucy who said one of the guys she was dancing with told her she was too ladylike for him. It made her upset because, while she wants to be noticed for being a lady, she also wants to be seen as a woman with primal sexual needs. She said she wanted to tell him she isn’t a lady behind closed doors.

Aw…nothing like a day in the animal kingdom.

Timeless Love

Quite frankly folks, I don’t feel like writing anything. I have so much on my mind lately that it is hard to be objective or interested in any one thing. I’m so tired – I can’t make sense of my jumbled mind. At this rate, I’ll be too tired to workout.

Its been a trying day. I gave away my cat whom I’ve had since he was weaned about 20 months ago. I just couldn’t deal with him anymore in that he tears everything up and constantly tried climbing the window screens till he broke three beyond repair. But more then that, I just couldn’t handle his constant biting and scratching of Baxter. I’ve already spent over $100 on getting Baxter’s ear stitched up – I just can’t afford to keep doing this. Still, I feel badly about it but he did go to a good home so that makes it more bearable. Yes, the cat lovers are pissed that I chose my dog over the cat when I had the cat first but such is life – I am a dog lover and there was just no contest.

But with everything else going on today, I didn’t need this added to it. Seems like there’s been a lot of negativity in my life – even positive things seem to turn negative. But I think my perception is off right now – I’m just feeling overwhelmed. Have so many things that need done yet. {sigh}

Went to the hair salon for a new, shorter hairstyle. I asked the guy to take off an inch – he must have thought I said leave an inch because it is extremely short now. Still I like it alright. While sitting there as he cut away, several other people were discussing the Denise Amber Lee case – trying to solve the “why” that alluded police. I told them some people are evil – that is all there is to it. Her assailant shot her in the head…I had wondered how he had killed her. Such a sad thing.

A job I would like to have has opened up in Iowa and, after much debate with Personnel, the U of I has agreed to let the education center down here administer the tests I need so that is excellent. I should have some interviews set up right when I get there. This job is similar to my current one.

I haven’t found a place to live yet but am confident something will turn up before I get there. It’s a little stressful because I don’t want to stay with someone else while I look. I wouldn’t hate inconveniencing my host by being the perpetual guest who never leaves.

There is some stress over the disposition of my condo – should I rent it or sell it…etc. Plus I’m sorting through my things – some that I’ve had for quite awhile – to get rid of it. Am only taking those things that mean the absolute most to me. It is difficult to let some of it go.

People are starting to try to persuade me to stay and a few are taking me out to dinner – though they say its more to cheer me up then say goodbye just yet. A few are inviting men for me to meet in hopes that maybe a new relationship would keep me here…of course it won’t.

Even if I spend all my days alone in Iowa – no significant other – being there with family is more important. Yes, there are more guys down here and several are rich – but I’ve never been one worried about wanting a sugar daddy. I enjoy working for what I have…sure I’d like to win the lotto to pay off my bills but I don’t want to be a “kept” woman.

Mistakes are something I hate when they are mine but am forgiving when they are made by others. Sometimes I run into people who are intolerant of mistakes or unable to look pass mistakes in others even though they confess to having mistakes of their own. Nobody is perfect – if they were, they’d probably be pretty damn boring.

I’m reminded of a call I had awhile back – an elderly man (late 80’s) found his wife of fifty-eight years dead in their bed. I decided to stay on the line with him until the rescue arrived because he seemed like he needed someone to talk to.

He calmly told me how they would have breakfast together each morning – eggs and bacon. He said she knew exactly how to butter his toast and cook his eggs so the whites weren’t runny. Every morning, he said, they’d take a walk around the block and how she would have to go slower then she normally would because he had to use a walker the past several years. At the grocery store, she knew exactly which fruits were ripe and which weren’t. He liked, he said to watch her make the bed each morning – she’d smooth out the sheets with such care and love – then at night she’d fluff his pillows up just right so he could read awhile in comfort.

He told me how she fussed over him – making sure his clothes were pressed and properly tucked in, making sure he ate his prunes, test sipping his coffee to make sure it wasn’t too hot…I’m sure he could have gone on for quite awhile but the rescue got there. The last thing he said to me was how was he suppose to go on living without her?

Every now and then I think about that elderly man – wondering how he is doing, how he has adjusted to his new life. I wonder how well he recovered emotionally from losing the love of his life. Sometimes it saddens me because I don’t imagine I’ll ever experience that kind of togetherness they shared. To me, such a love is rare yet timeless.

Young people today who are in such a rush to get married and then end up in divorce, have no idea what that kind of love is like. They probably don’t even know to look for it.

I’m sorry, I’m rambling – I tend to do that when I’m this tired. Think all those 3am nights are catching up with me. Just want to go to bed.