July 2nd
Huh, I can’t come up with a title for this so decided on the date – rather jejune but oh well.
Went to my sister’s house for another sister’s surprise birthday party. It was fun getting to see everyone – makes one feel a little old when all the children are now adults and some are having children. When did I grow up?
After the party I stopped at Kmart for some potted plants. I want a little bit of flare for the front of my apartment, it is so drab and boring. I bought some pretty red flowers and a pot to put them in. Shouldn’t spend the money but you know what, I just don’t care anymore.
I miss the way my life was set up in Florida. I had beautiful plants and yard stuff out front, a little patio in front and back, all my expensive pictures, my 100+ books, and having actual furniture. It took me so long to build it back after the move to Florida and now I’m starting all over again – I hate it. I hate starting over.
At first I viewed it as an adventure but the truth is, there is no adventure to having everything stripped away…there is only loss. I tell myself it is the same as if I lost it all in a hurricane but I did this to myself – Mother Nature had nothing to do with it. NOT that I wish I was back there – I don’t – I just want all my stuff back.
As I told Jake tonight, I don’t think I would ever move back to Florida but yet I don’t want to live in Iowa for the rest of my life either. But yet, I can see that is what is going to happen because my son has no interest in moving elsewhere. Maybe I’ll move away from Iowa City – Iowa is a big state.
It isn’t just the idea of my stuff – it is a whole different me that I had down in Florida – not always a good thing because I was depressed a lot the last year or so – but someone other than I am here. I can’t explain it – I wish I could. I find myself hinging on what my son is doing and what time he has available to spend with me whereas in Florida I had a life outside family. But I don’t want to lose the closeness the two of us have either – he is my life.
I guess the answer lies in getting out there to find friends and do fun stuff without waiting for my son to be available. I do have a couple of friends and we do go out now and then for drinks. If I had a bike, I could go on rides with one of my friends but I would need a good bike to tackle those huge hills. {Sigh}
I am also thinking about wanting to be a foster parent. My son fully supports this idea and thinks I should pursue it but I’m not in a position right now where I can. I keep thinking maybe there could possibly be the tiniest chance I could get published when I get one or two of the six or seven stories I’m writing on right now done, but I think it is a pipe dream too. But it is still something I’m willing to try to do.
Really it boils down to my life being in limbo again after being nice and settled for five years in my condo in Florida. I don’t own my own place and probably won’t for quite some time – I don’t have the friends I had down there – I don’t have the life I had down there. Everything is different and I’m struggling to adjust. Being prone to the blues and depression just makes the struggle that much harder.
When I was a child our lives often seemed in limbo – Mom never owned her own place so we moved a lot. There was never that feeling of settling and I must admit, I liked the feeling when I lived in Florida. I liked putting down roots, owning my condo and having a place I could really call “home.” In my twenties and early thirties, home wasn’t a place I really took an interest in. As my son would attest to, we didn’t spend a lot of time sitting in our mobile home. There was always something to do that was better than being “home.” It wasn’t until he was a teenager off doing things with friends that I started taking an interest in my surroundings. Now I’m 46 and back at the whim of the whistling wind.
But anyway, enough of that. I’m not down right now – just frustrated with myself. I’m sure it will all seem brighter in the morning.
July 4, 2009 at 8:52 am
I think we all look at the past and think, that was better then this
Or why did I make this choice or that choice?
There are always the what ifs in life.
But I hope things become more clear to you for the future.
July 4, 2009 at 9:27 am
I know exactly what you mean. You had a life before now, set up the way you want, decorated the way you want, the friends you want, etc. Then, for whatever reason, you pick up and move to a location that’s a polar opposite. You get a feeling that things aren’t your own. Even after you get your bearings, figure out the best places to get the things you want and find familiar things you help you settle in your new place, it still is missing something. I understand the feelings of loss. After the divorce and I moved into my new place, I felt the same things. part of what I had to do what conclude that this was my space now and I need to put my mark on it, make it truly my own. But there’s nothing more frustrating to come home and get depressed because where you are isn’t where you want to be. I miss having someone there when I come home. Anybody.
Hang in there. Once you gave me advice when I was managing the pains of separation and divorce, so I hope to be able to pay forward the support you offered to me.