Today for just a moment I felt like I was really on to something. I felt like I was right there, on the verge of a great enlightenment but it just won’t come forth and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m trying to hard. Do you ever have that feeling like there is something your subconscious wants to bring forward but it just stops short of reaching your consciousness? If I could only get past the last barrier in my brain, I know whatever this is would greatly enrich my life but I can’t. The knowledge is knocking and I can’t figure out how to open the door because it requires a combination that I have forgotten. It is so irritating.
I do believe it has something to do with nature, night sounds, and my writing…ugh. It tries to seep in under the door but it just can’t quite make it to me. Something is changing inside me – I can feel it but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe when I go to sleep tonight it will find its way through the door. Whatever it is has the power to change my life – damn.
It started earlier today actually. I went into town to have soup and coffee with my son. I remember thinking everything in life is perfect when my son is near me. He makes me laugh and is such a super guy. We were talking about a movie called “Life Without People” done by National Geographic on how the world would recover if humans were suddenly absent from Earth. He has seen the movie – I have not but I checked it out from the library before picking him up which is how the topic came up. He watches a lot of documentaries and things from the History channel. But as we were talking, an itch started in my brain.
After leaving him I went to Barnes and Nobel where I picked up three more books for myself and one for my sister. For her I bought Nicholas Sparks new book “The Last Song” which sounds like it would be pretty good – I will have to borrow it for her when she is done with it. I like Nicholas Sparks – his writing is so eloquent.
For myself I bought: Homer’s Odyssey by Gwen Cooper. It is about a cat who had to have its eyes removed when it was just a kitten. The owner of the cat has two other cats and is amazed at how well the blind cat interacts with his environment. I’m looking forward to reading it – I’ve heard really good things. The second book I bought for myself is “Hope for Animals and Their World” by Jane Goodall – it is about several species that were on the endangered list and how environmentalists worked to bring them back from the brink. The third book is “A Big Little Life” by Dean Koontz – it is all about his dog Trixie and how much she influenced his life. It is going to be a tear jerker even though it says right on the flap that she is dead now so I go into the story knowing that.
As I looked at these books in the bookstore, I felt an inkling of something but I couldn’t put my finger on it so I decided to put it on the back burner because I was going to the movie “All About Steve” with Sandra Bullock. Throughout the movie I had the immense feeling that there was a message there I wasn’t getting. Sandra’s character “Mary” is a very smart person who is made to feel abnormal by those “normals” around her. As she strives to prove that she is normal, she realizes that “normal” is a relative word so what she really needed was to find other people who were as normal as she was. It was a good movie – it made me laugh.
I was struck by how it is so true that society as a whole pushes what it thinks is normal and acceptable on us all and most of us just accept it’s narrow-mindedness. Why do we do that? At first I thought this was the thought…the thing my subconscious was trying to tell me but as I drove home I realized it was only one piece of the puzzle.
When I got home I took the dogs out for a walk and as I listened to the night sounds, I knew there was so much more to this epiphany if only I could will it forth. I closed my eyes and imagined myself out in the country with only the sounds around me – how awesome that would be.
I don’t know but I have been mulling this over now for about five hours so I guess it is time to give my brain a break. Whatever it is, I can not force it – it must be gently coaxed. {sigh}
