A Tuesday Night the end of May

Well, here it is the end of May already.  I have one week to find an apartment and move…nothing like putting on the pressure.

We, my adventurous group, have had to cancel our Wyoming trip which is disappointing but really, it is kind of a relief not to have that on my list anymore.  Just have too much going on right now.  Really need to get that condo put up for sale soon.

I know I have been lax in writing on my blog lately.  I’ve been kind of down so didn’t feel like writing.  Writing made me think of the things that were wrong so I decided it was best not to write.  I wrote a post the other day while at the laundromat but can’t seem to find it now.

Work has been going alright.  I can’t get use to being on the 3-11pm shift again which is part of the reason I am down.  I can’t seem to get myself to fall asleep and end up being awake till 4 am and then having to sleep practically right up till time to go to work.  Today it was kind of crappy out so that wasn’t a huge deal but I’d like to not do that.

The dogs are out of the kennel and fiesty.  They jostle around all the time - gets kind of old but guess they need to get their exercise somehow.  Still no puppies…don’t get that either.

A Mother’s Love

Years ago, when my son was a teenager, he was dating this most wonderful young lady.  He adored her and she adored him.  They made such a pretty pair, I always thought they’d be together.  But that wasn’t meant to be. 

As many teenagers do with their first young love, my son screwed it up and they broke up.  I don’t blame him - he was young and all these girls were throwing themselves at him.  He had just discovered sex and, being a guy, didn’t know how good he had it until he threw it all away.

As the years went on, he thought many times about calling her - maybe getting together as friends to see how things went.  However, she had gone on to college and she came from a good family much higher on the social scale, so he decided she deserved better then him.  He was someone who battled authority and got into trouble with the law - trying to live up to that “gangsta” image so big in all the rap songs.  She was responsible, bubbly, and a good girl.

Still, I have tried to convince him over the years to contact her but we didn’t know where she lived and her phone was unlisted.  Chances were very good that her parents would never give up the information as he felt they hadn’t really liked him anyway.  So he did nothing - waiting for fate to handle the situation.

Fate did too.  She just married another.  When he got the news, my son was upset.  He didn’t think the man she married deserved her any more then he did.  It put a solid end to that chapter in his life.  We talked about her and how stupid he was for letting her go but no use flogging a dead horse.

I emailed this woman, she is a beautiful woman now, after she had emailed my son a few days ago to tell him she was married.  She found him on “myspace.”  It is ironic, isn’t it that they finally make contact only it is too late to change their fate? She emailed me back and I detected a note of wishing that things were different.  Ok, it was more then a note.  She said she would always love my son and had gotten married because her father had a stroke and she was afraid he would die soon and he wanted to see his daughter get married.  I know she loves the guy she married but might not be “in love” with him.

Still, it a moot point now.  She is married and the cast has been set.  As much as I want to tell my son what she said - or show him her email - I don’t think that I can because it isn’t fair to him or to the woman he is currently dating.  I know he loves the girl he is dating now but am not sure he is “in love” with her…which is a big deal to me but he seems to think a compatible love is less emotionally exhausting.

I just want him to be happy…truly happy. 

 

Attraction

I must have been halfway attractive once. As I look in the mirror, I try to see myself as even remotely attractive but I find it difficult. I’ve never considered myself attractive or even remarkably average - I’ve always described my appearance as more of a “Plain Jane.”

What has always confused me, in light of this consideration, is how men fell so hard for me - some to the point of obsession. What did they say that I don’t? Could it be that I am possibly a bit above average in the looks department…or was?

I think it was more my refusal to be tied down - my free spirit. I was someone they couldn’t have - I didn’t want marriage and told them so upfront. But, yet, I had men “in love” with me who I never dated. Men who started out as friends and would have remained friends had they not expressed how they were starting to feel about me.

I wish I was beautiful - had the classic beauty of Angelina Jolie - but I don’t and never will. But maybe I can get back to “somewhat attractive in the right light” look. I am working at it and hope to be in great shape by Christmas.

Will I “date” again? I honestly don’t know. I’d really like a guy friend to do things with, but not become involved sexually. I do know my makeup and clothes are sadly outdated. Maybe I can buy new soon.

I would like to say…

I would like to say that, for whatever reason, the gnomes and goblins that come out at night always put marks on my glasses.  I went to bed with perfectly clean glasses last night but today, when I put them on, there are marks all over the lens.  Why do they do that

I don’t understand the purpose of marks on my glasses - maybe it is just criminal mischief or juvenile pranks.  As far as I know, I have not offended the little buggers in any way, shape or form.  OK, it’s been years since I’ve read “Where the Wild Things Are” but how can they really fault me for that? I haven’t read “The Giving Tree” in years either but the little tree in my room doesn’t seem to care.

The smudges aren’t really fingerprints either - more like wet noses pressed against the glass. 

Behind Closed Doors

My baby makes me proud, Lord don’t she make me proud. She never makes a scene by hanging all over me in a crowd. Cause people like to talk, lord don’t they love to talk. But when they turn out the lights, I know she’ll be leaving with me.

And when we get being closed doors and she lets her hair hang down, and she makes me glad that I’m a man - oh no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Now my baby makes me smile, lord don’t she make me smile. She’s never far away or too tired to say “I want you”. She’s always a lady, just like a lady should be - but when they turn out the lights, she still my baby to me.

Cause when we get behind closed doors, when she lets her hair hang down, and she makes me glad I’m her man - oh no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. - Charlie Rich

Was just listening to this song on my mp3 player. Hey, Mom always listened to Charlie Rich and some of the older stars of country music so it is no wonder I’m still listening to it.

Behind closed doors. We all have our public persona and our private one - the latter being the one we show our lover whether the closed door is the bedroom or the front door (more places in the house then just the bedroom guys).

We like to put this kind of thing under the umbrella of intimacy - it makes it easier then thinking about the actual animal magnetism that goes on behind closed doors. The primal desires that turn a man’s lady into a lustful slut (sorry ladies, I know how much we hate that word).

Face it, we want to be treated like ladies - with consideration and respect - but when that door closes and we are with the one we love…things get a bit heated and I don’t mean in an argumentative way.

Sometimes I think we can show that side of our selves to the wrong men - or at the wrong time. It is frustrating to want to be intimately raw with a guy who scares easily or who isn’t ready for raw.

What am I getting at? That song made me think of my friend Lucy who said one of the guys she was dancing with told her she was too ladylike for him. It made her upset because, while she wants to be noticed for being a lady, she also wants to be seen as a woman with primal sexual needs. She said she wanted to tell him she isn’t a lady behind closed doors.

Aw…nothing like a day in the animal kingdom.