Dear Family and Friends –

Another year is coming to a close and I know we all have many blessings that we are counting. We are also praying for blessings, some are praying for miracles, as we look forward to what 2010 will bring.

The truth is, it will bring a lot of the same thing 2009 brought as we continue to plod along on the same path we did. Many of us are in jobs we tolerate but few of us love our jobs and can’t wait to go to work come Monday morning. We have family and friends we stay in contact with – ones who care about us and who we care deeply for. There will be children’s games, school, homework, etc., for those who have school aged children – ballet, tap dancing, and other classes for those who have pre-school children. We will rotate the tires on our cars, buy groceries, watch tv, and continue on that way for the entire year. There is nothing wrong with this – it is called LIFE.

No matter how exciting or adventurous we want our lives to be, there will always be the regular mundane chores that must be done daily, weekly, and monthly. Tomorrow we could go ski down a mountain, the next sit for three hours at a Laundromat doing laundry. There is no way around these tasks – we all must do them…they are the substance our days are full of.

As with everything in life, there must be a balance or our lives are out of whack. This year I challenge each of you to dream larger, set goals higher, love more, give of yourself more, seek out new friends and reconnect with family that has grown distant over time. Life is bigger than all of us – it is also way too damn short so make yours amazing. If there is something you’ve been wanting to do but keep putting on the back burner – let 2010 be the year. Be unconventinal, break some rules, try something new…

We are a remarkable group of people – capable of fantastic things! Never sell yourself or your life short! Next year, let each of us do a Christmas letter that is so full of exciting things we’ve done, dreams we’ve realized, and new loves/friends we’ve met that we have to use both sides of the paper!

Merry Christmas!
Love, K

I must admit, I didn’t get the stuff done I expected I would today.  I didn’t go to the grocery store or do any of the shopping.  I got caught up in a daydream that just went on and on and on…

Actually, it was a dream as I fell asleep on the couch waiting for my son to call me about supper.  Um…it is 6pm and he still hasn’t called so chances are very good he won’t which is fine because I am making tuna noodle casserole.  I have been thinking about making it for days but haven’t because I have been really craving red meat.  However, I don’t have any red meat in the house soooo…tuna will have to do for tonight.  I will get up early tomorrow and run errands first thing just to get them out-of-the-way.  Need to go pay my rent too so that gives me an excuse.  I might drop by the library as well.

Earlier when I took the dogs to the dog park, I was freezing.  My hands were bright red and my whole head hurt from the chill in the brisk wind.  Well, since I’ve been home I haven’t been able to get warm at all.  My hands hurt and my feet are as cold as ice.  I covered them both up while waiting for my son to call, hence the reason I fell asleep, but they still hurt and are cold.  Isn’t that weird? So going back outside tonight doesn’t excite me at all – not even to the store.  The only one who could get me out now would be my son but as he is probably at work, that won’t happen.

My neighbor came home and her dog started barking loudly, sending Isabel scurrying into the closet to hide.  I imagine it will take a little bit before she is use to the different sounds around here.  She has been fine though – eating and using her litter box.  She still doesn’t want to be cuddled but maybe that will change tonight when I go to bed.  Maybe she’ll climb up on the bed to sleep with me.

So what am I going to do tonight now that I’m not going out? Really didn’t have any plans – might write or might read or…quite possibly I’ll watch tv.  My Christmas cards are done so will get them in the mail tomorrow.  I almost considered doing a Christmas letter too but that would mean opening all the envelopes to stick it in and nothing too exciting has happened in my life to go to that mess.

I am inspired by my dream so I might write.  I know, starting another new story when I have seven stories going already is rather silly – maybe I can incorporate it into one of them…will have to see.  I don’t want to get out of the habit of writing that NaNo has encouraged.  The dream was so much like a fairy tale…not sure I could do it justice or if it could even be transformed into a story as a lot of the plot was shrouded in the misty mystery of dreamland.

Wow, I’m starving! I had tomato soup earlier today so it isn’t like this is the first time I’ve eaten today but I sure feel like it is.  Granted, there isn’t much to tomato soup – can pretty much drink it which is what I did when I got home from the dog park.  I thought it would warm me up.

I need to remember to get some more lights for my tree and some garland…blue I think.  It is a pretty tree but could be even prettier.  Also still need something on the top – not a star or an angel though.  I was looking for Eeyore…you know, the donkey from Winnie the Pooh.  I would prefer Pooh since he is my favorite but Eeyore is blue so he would match better. 

Well, I’ve spent hours typing and working on my story.  As of a few minutes ago, I am still almost 4,000 words behind BUT I am more confident I can catch up now.  The story is moving a little bit faster again but still has such a long way to go.  Part of me wishes it was done already because I’m sick of it.  I’ve never stayed this long with only one story since I wrote Siren’s Song over six years ago.  Usually I write on one until I’m bored and then go to another one – which is probably one reason I don’t have any finished or near to being finished.

The story is so very rough and unsophisticated – no way it could ever be ready to publish without major rewrites from beginning to end.  However, that wasn’t really my intention when I decided to do NaNo for the first time.  Of course it would have been great to have a story that just wrote itself like Siren’s Song did but the challenge I issued to myself was to actually get the words in and meet the deadline.  I have never had a deadline before or a set number of words – I must admit that the number of words makes me stressed but it isn’t a bad stress necessarily.  It is more feeling like I need to write and sometimes I just don’t feel like writing a damn thing. 

This contest has been good for me and hopefully will help my writing career…if I ever actually have a writing career.  I do think the writing part is looking better after this exercise but am still skeptical about the publishing part as a whole.  My first love is Siren’s Song – I suppose because it is the first full length novel I’ve ever completed.  People who have read it believe that it is publishable but I don’t know.  It would be mind-boggling to even try to figure out how to begin pursuing publishing.  I know that sounds lame but it is true.  I’ve been going through the writer’s market and the literary agent books – it is not easy to figure out what the jumping off point should be.

Where my writing is concerned, I’m too much like my mother I guess.  She never thought her writing was good enough to publish either though many of us disagreed.  I would love to have her story published – it would require a ghost writer who could follow her simple style so the reader wouldn’t see where Mom’s writing ended and the ghost writer’s began.  Not too many people want to be a ghost writer who doesn’t get any of the credit.  I would finish Mom’s book but I don’t think I could – it is a western and I honestly don’t have the interest in that genre to do hers justice.  Still, wish someone would as it would be awesome to see her name on a published book posthumously. 

Well, anyway, I need to go walk the dogs and then get to bed.  It is 12:30am and will be 1am before I can actually relax in bed so need to get moving.  Tomorrow is going to be a stressful day of training.  Training isn’t bad if the trainee and myself are alone in dispatch but tensions rise as more people get added to the mix.  Ugh.  My trainee is doing really well though so that is a big plus.

Sometimes I feel like I am sleepwalking through life.  I know most of you know what I’m talking about – I’m not putting forth any real effort to make life better or worse.  I’m floating down the middle of the river without a care which might sound ok but in reality, it isn’t.  Life is too short to be passive.  When did I go from Rogerramjet to passive? I don’t remember but I think it started back when I had that car accident ten years ago. 

Besides being painful, it was a very scary thing that galvanized the knowledge that I wasn’t indestructible.  It also made me ask myself if something happened to me, what would happen to my son? So I started working at being more “safe” and somewhere along the way lost my passion and perspective…neither is a good thing to lose.

Today I looked myself in the mirror and had to admit, I don’t like the person I see peering back at me.  I don’t like my hairstyle or color; don’t like my face looking splotchy; don’t like how fat my cheeks look; don’t like the turkey neck I’m getting; don’t like my body as a whole because I’m out of shape and way overweight; and I don’t like my clothes either. 

But beyond appearances, I also don’t like that I sit on the sidelines a lot for fear of being hurt again – physically and emotionally.  I look at the task of fixing myself and loath that the first thought out of my head is “this is impossible” because I’m defeating myself before I even start. 

I hate that I let the fear of failure stop me from trying to be published and possibly bettering not only my life but also my son’s.  I look at children I want so badly to adopt but have no idea how to get to the point to be considered.  Yes, I know the paperwork part but seriously feel I better have my shit together before bringing children home to live with me – especially children who have had other adults in their lives who let them down.

I keep telling myself it is TIME to start making changes but often the thought goes right out of my head several minutes later and I forget I was even considering it.  It is like I’m drifting along in an inner tube, poke my head up to see a waterfall coming and thinking I should get out of the water, only to be distracted by a stick floating alongside me to the point that the waterfall is totally forgotten.  Eventually, I’m going to arrive at that damn waterfall and I’m going to be wondering why I didn’t see it in the distance.

Tonight I’m sitting here again, seeing that waterfall, thinking about what I should be doing.  It is frustrating yet also a bit exciting to think about changing…oh, my pizza is done.

I started and finished this book by Donna Ball in the last 12 hours.  It was recommended by a friend and I have to say, I loved it.  I am excited for the sequel “Letters from Ladybug Farm” to be out next year.

The book centers around three women who are in their 50’s.  They have been best friends forever and decide to buy an old mansion in Virginia to fix up and live in.  The mansion is on a farm so it is a big undertaking.  Without tons of money but a lot of determination, they face the remodeling not only of the mansion but also of their own lives.  Each comes to terms with who they are and what they are together.

It is heartwarming, lovely and such a nice story.  Tears visited my eyes several times throughout the book and bouts of laughter made me run for my prescription cough suppressant to contain the coughing that inevitably followed. 

Honestly, it makes a person want to find their own mansion to remodel – a passion to rebuild something from a more genteel time in America’s history.  How awesome to find oneself and come to understand that which is truly important.  It sounds so inviting to have a place that I put blood, sweat and tears into to make generations weave together.  Oh to sit by a large stone fireplace reading a good book, drinking a glass of wine, and ignoring the howling winds outside.  Sign me up!

After the first sixty pages, I sent two of my sisters emails telling them about the book and that the three of us needed to do this together.    Of course we never will but we could with a little determination.  I told them we could can food, sale fresh produce, make baked goods, etc., etc., and all stay home without working an outside job. 

I was going to send the book to my younger sister for her to read but I have changed my mind.  I’m going to go buy both of them a copy at Barnes and Nobel.    I just ordered them because our local store is out so should be able to get them Tuesday or Wednesday in the mail.  Don’t tell them, it will be a surprise.  OH, and in looking up books for them, I found the new one also hit stands this month not next year so I bought that one for myself.    I don’t suppose it shows that I love books.

It is an awesome book – the detail and descriptions bring you right into the mansion with Cici, Bridget and Lindsey.  I really enjoyed it.  Thanks Virginia for recommending it.

Think this looks pretty good...don't you?

I’m at home watching an episode of Columbo – one of the new ones I just ordered came in the mail today.  It is the episode where Columbo is on a cruise ship and has to solve a murder involving one of the passengers and one of the staff.  I like this one and am glad it is on the new set I ordered.  I actually ordered two seasons worth of dvd’s plus one set of longer movies they put out once the series ended.  That leaves me with two seasons left to order and one replacement disc for season five which I seem to have lost.

As I watch the cruise boat sluice through the waves, it makes me miss my ocean.  Rays of light skim the surface causing it to shimmer as if the gods had cast down pixie dust from the heavens above.  I can picture myself flying along on a skido or coasting dreamily along on a two mast sailboat.  Oh it looks so inviting!  How could I leave it behind?

Because my son is more important than my love for the ocean.  For him I would live in an igloo deep in the antartic…I wouldn’t be happy bout it but I would do it if that is where he had to be.  My child is everything to me – as should everyone’s children I suppose.  Sometimes I wonder about the rest of the population – too many people treat their babies so terribly that I can’t see how they could profess to love them.

Someday I will take a cruise – someday I will stand on the deck and lean out the way what’s her face did on Titanic.  Someday I will visit awesome ports of call and thrill at the leisurely pace of a pampered life.  Someday I will have a house by the ocean with mountains in the backdrop.  Maybe someday I’ll live in Hawaii.  I don’t know how but I will. 

I really wanted to give my son a special gift this year – whether it counted towards Christmas or not, I didn’t care.  Faithfully I have checked the website for when tickets went on sale to this special event hoping to catch it early so I could buy him and a friend of his choice the best tickets possible.

Well, tickets are on sale now and do you know what? I can’t begin to afford them.  Not only that, but add a hotel, travel, food, parking, etc., and I don’t see how any middle class person can afford it.  It amazes me that people spend this kind of money for one visit anywhere.  I complained about Disney prices being too high – they are down right affordable compared to this franchise.

I am terribly disappointed that I can’t buy my son this very cool gift.  I know he would have got such a big kick out of going.  It would be cheaper to send him to Las Vegas though for a long weekend.

What am I talking about? I bet sports fans have already figured it out – yes, NFL tickets to a Steeler’s game.  Who can afford $187 per ticket? Then add in the other stuff, you are easily talking $250-300 per person.  I’ve spent less on a two week vacation to Florida.

Right after I started complaining about the prices, my coworker logged on and bought two tickets to a Packer’s game spending the same amount I was complaining about.  She is young, single and just got a sizeable sum of money from her grandparents so she can afford to pay for her boyfriend and herself to go.  {sigh}

Finally that night has come to an end.  It wasn’t one I want to repeat very soon.  Had fire alarms  & burglary alarms galore going off at the same time – hate when that happens.

Managed to keep busy most of the night so wouldn’t have to try to break Susanne’s hold on Bejeweled.  I admit I tried a few times but got so disgusted I had to stop.  I must resign myself to be second place this week.  Last week I managed to squeak by Kristen to claim the championship for the week but no way I’m getting by Susanne.

My morning has been bummed out already – I’m almost afraid to go to sleep because I know there is a nightmare lurking in the shadows of my mind.  I started our online training for this month – we have to do it every month.  The first call was of a woman whose car had been swept away in a flood.  It was an awful call that ended in her drowning.  I have to say, the dispatchers sucked big time and I hope they lost their jobs. 

Listening to her, knowing how the call was going to turn out, upset me.  She so easily could have been saved if just one of the three people she talked to had a shred of common sense.  I can understand her being confused – she was in a scary situation – but even once she regained her composure and said she was going to exit the sinking vehicle the dispatcher told her to stay in the car.   It took the fire department five hours to find her submerged vehicle but there she was, in the car still buckled in her seatbelt.  Ugh.

This situation is one of the ones I fear terribly.  I would have a hard time being in a vehicle that was sinking – even though I know what to do to get out, I’d still probably have a mental breakdown once I was safe and nightmares the rest of my life.

Anyway, I have to walk the dogs.  It has been raining so it will be a short walk which I prefer anyway as tired as I am.  I’m too tired to even dread working again tonight. 

Took a nap though I had no intention of falling asleep when I sat down.  Felt fine when I woke up – not irritated or anything, just hungry.  Am a little irritated now though as Baxter decided to chew on one of my couch pillows when he knows he isn’t suppose to do that.  When he met my glance he jumped down and ran under the loveseat because he knew he was doing something bad.  Ugh. 

Had two bad dreams.  The first was that I was on the phone with Michael King & I was trying to pursuade him to let Denise go but he wouldn’t listen to me.  I was getting aggitated and upset because I knew he was going to kill her and was trying so hard to talk him out of it – including telling him we’d “forget the whole thing” if he dropped her off at the nearest street corner.  I woke up when I heard her screaming.

The second one I was caught in some sort of underground facility with some other people and we were searching for an Alien like creature who was slowly killing us all off.  I was trying to save everyone but I couldn’t.  The Alien kept coming after us and we couldn’t find a way out of the place.  I woke up when I was stuck in the same room and the Alien was advancing on me – woke with rather a start.

I hate bad dreams – hate when that feeling of helpless hopelessness invades my rest and restoring time because I wake up feeling worse than when I fell asleep.  It is hard enough feeling that way sometimes during the day – I don’t need it in my dreams too.  Don’t misunderstand – I don’t feel helpless hopelessness when it comes to life – it comes with being a 911 operator.  It comes from being powerless to help someone who calls on the phone begging for help or when someone jumps off a parking ramp or overdoses…even though there was nothing you could have done to prevent either.  

Since moving to my new job, these kinds of calls have been few to practically nonexistent which I like because, obviously, I’m already haunted enough by past calls from Sarasota. 

Anyway, I’m going to go for a walk with the dogs.  It is 2am and 63 degrees out which makes a walk sound pretty nice.  We won’t go far though cuz there is no moon out to shed even a little light on our pathway.

My son and I went to the HuHot for his birthday luncheon.  I do enjoy going there – like picking the ingredients for my dish and then watching them cook it on the big wheel.  Some of the cooks entertain with knife tossing tricks that ewww and ahhh the customers.  It is a nice place – a little expensive but worth it. 

I mixed beef and pork with snow peas, those little corncobs, ginger snaps, potatoes, pineapple, and other things.  Then I added two ladles of sweet & sour sauce, one ladle of a sesame sauce, and two ladles of another sauce I didn’t catch the name of but my son assured me I would like.  One is suppose to pack the bowl up very high because it cooks down to regular portions on the wheel. 

We stood in line watching the cooks go around the wheel chopping & turning our dishes until they were done.  Then they scrape them off the wheel onto a plate for you.  There are condiments at the end – things you might want to add that shouldn’t be cooked – I added some chopped nuts.

Back at the table the waiter had brought our drinks and a bowl of rice.  We had a great time discussing the atmosphere, his plans for his thirties, his hopes and dreams, and the ending of his last relationship.  He says Que Sera Sera but I can tell it still pains him.  He really thought this girl was the one he would marry and settle down with.  He is ready to settle down – wants to think about a wife, a home, children and all that stuff.  I hope he finds someone that shares his desires, loves him dearly, and that I, of course, like. 

After we finished lunch we went to Walmart where he picked up his gift for the young woman who shares his birthday.  They have known each other for two years now and she makes it quite plain that she is waiting for her turn at a relationship.  She is a sweet girl, level-headed and responsible – but he is naturally a bit hesitant to get involved again.  I don’t know – she is smart, cute, funny, and obviously adores him but I can understand his reservations.  Why get into something that might not last?

He is starting to get into the idea of having his own place.  He has lived alone several times but always in places no bigger than a single room – his current place has two bedrooms, a wash room, a big eat-in kitchen and a good sized living room.  It also has a big fenced yard and a patio.  I like the place myself and think he will like living on his own even if it is a bit of  a struggle at first. 

Anyway, after I dropped him off to the next person who was taking him out (there were several people all taking him different places), I came home to do a few things before going back in to work.