Spider Bites

On my left outer thigh I have about eight spider bites. They are close together so I assume it was one spider probably biting me over and over because it was trapped under my leg while I slept. I hope I killed the little fucker.

The bites don’t itch but it just grosses me out thinking of a spider crawling around on my body – it’s worse than the werewolf nightmare I had on Sunday. Now I just feel like there are bugs crawling on me even though I can see that there aren’t.

July 2nd

Huh, I can’t come up with a title for this so decided on the date – rather jejune but oh well.

Went to my sister’s house for another sister’s surprise birthday party.  It was fun getting to see everyone – makes one feel a little old when all the children are now adults and some are having children.  When did I grow up?

After the party I stopped at Kmart for some potted plants.  I want a little bit of flare for the front of my apartment, it is so drab and boring.  I bought some pretty red flowers and a pot to put them in.  Shouldn’t spend the money but you know what, I just don’t care anymore.

I miss the way my life was set up in Florida.  I had beautiful plants and yard stuff out front, a little patio in front and back, all my expensive pictures, my 100+ books, and having actual furniture.  It took me so long to build it back after the move to Florida and now I’m starting all over again – I hate it.  I hate starting over.

At first I viewed it as an adventure but the truth is, there is no adventure to having everything stripped away…there is only loss. I tell myself it is the same as if I lost it all in a hurricane but I did this to myself – Mother Nature had nothing to do with it.  NOT that I wish I was back there – I don’t – I just want all my stuff back.

As I told Jake tonight, I don’t think I would ever move back to Florida but yet I don’t want to live in Iowa for the rest of my life either.  But yet, I can see that is what is going to happen because my son has no interest in moving elsewhere.  Maybe I’ll move away from Iowa City – Iowa is a big state.

It isn’t just the idea of my stuff – it is a whole different me that I had down in Florida – not always a good thing because I was depressed a lot the last year or so – but someone other than I am here.  I can’t explain it – I wish I could.  I find myself hinging on what my son is doing and what time he has available to spend with me whereas in Florida I had a life outside family.  But I don’t want to lose the closeness the two of us have either – he is my life.

I guess the answer lies in getting out there to find friends and do fun stuff without waiting for my son to be available.  I do have a couple of friends and we do go out now and then for drinks.  If I had a bike, I could go on rides with one of my friends but I would need a good bike to tackle those huge hills.  {Sigh}

I am also thinking about wanting to be a foster parent.  My son fully supports this idea and thinks I should pursue it but I’m not in a position right now where I can.  I keep thinking maybe there could possibly be the tiniest chance I could get published when I get one or two of the six or seven stories I’m writing on right now done, but I think it is a pipe dream too.   But it is still something I’m willing to try to do.

Really it boils down to my life being in limbo again after being nice and settled for five years in my condo in Florida.  I don’t own my own place and probably won’t for quite some time – I don’t have the friends I had down there – I don’t have the life I had down there.  Everything is different and I’m struggling to adjust.  Being prone to the blues and depression just makes the struggle that much harder.

When I was a child our lives often seemed in limbo – Mom never owned her own place so we moved a lot.  There was never that feeling of settling and I must admit, I liked the feeling when I lived in Florida.  I liked putting down roots, owning my condo and having a place I could really call “home.”  In my twenties and early thirties, home wasn’t a place I really took an interest in.  As my son would attest to, we didn’t spend a lot of time sitting in our mobile home.  There was always something to do that was better than being “home.”  It wasn’t until he was a teenager off doing things with friends that I started taking an interest in my surroundings.  Now I’m 46 and back at the whim of the whistling wind.

But anyway, enough of that.  I’m not down right now – just frustrated with myself.  I’m sure it will all seem brighter in the morning.

Back to Work

Well tomorrow is back to work which is a good thing since I didn’t win the huge lotto.  I must admit I’m a little miffed. 

You know, though I have a good idea the things I want in life, it basically comes down to money and a few legal issues.  However, I know that I will get to my goal eventually so I’m not going to let  it get me down – good things come to those who have a plan. 

I’ve been going over my calendar and the next couple of months are going to be a little big busy both financially and activity wise.  I sure wish everyone didn’t have to keep having their weddings on the weekend, it would make it so much easier for me to attend.

Took Baxter and Bennie out for a late night walk – I plan on being in bed by 3am.

Sleeping A Lot

My three days off have been mostly spent sleeping.  Granted I hadn’t slept well lately so felt very tired but even so, I slept more than I should have.  Yesterday I even found myself thinking that I must be in the clutches of minor depression to be sleeping all the time.  It is one of the things I do when I’m down – shut my eyes and live in my dream world for awhile.

While I wouldn’t say I have been feeling depressed – I know my symptoms well enough to see that it is heading that way if I don’t take steps now to avert it.  It is hard to force oneself to do things though when all they want to do is hide from the world.

Yesterday I forced myself to go for a 2 mile walk and that helped for a couple of hours.  Tonight I made myself go on another one even though it was after 11pm because I hoped the cool night air would help again and it did.

I must say though, I could crawl into bed right now and be asleep within minutes but I have chores to do that I should have done earlier today.  Obviously I can’t vacuum this late so I’ll get it out to remind myself to do it first thing in the morning.  Tonight I’m going to clean the kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom.  A bed frame fell from the sky so I need to get my bed on it.  Really someone moved and put it out at the dumpster but it is in excellent condition and fits my bed so couldn’t ask for anything more.

Earlier I watched Stephen King’s “It” which is 3 hours and 13 minutes long.  I enjoy it right up until the end which I have always thought was a bit cheesy and beneath King.  I get the hankering to watch it about once every decade or so – I don’t know why.

Think I will put The Shining on now to keep me company as I clean.    I feel much better emotionally than I have felt on any of my days off…kind of a drag since I have to work tonight but good too in that I don’t want to be feeling down at work when I know we will be so very busy.

One of my friends in Florida just found out her mother has stage four ovarian cancer that is inoperable.  They are going to start her on chemo right away in hopes of combating it that way.  I feel for my friend who is the exact age I was when my mother died of cancer.  It is so devastating to lose your mother so young.  Hopefully she will be spared that agony and pain.  My prayers are with her.

Wednesday

Today has been a “catch up on sleep” day because I haven’t felt like doing much else other than that.  I did a spot of cleaning and cooked a roast for supper but otherwise, I’ve been working on my writing.

Am quite gleeful because I found my manuscript changes which I thought I had lost.  Thankfully I had had the good sense to email them to me at yahoo so it was sitting in there waiting for me.  Took me a few hours to find it but I did.  About made me weep with happiness.

So I’ve been printing it out and reading it so I can work on it some more.  It is very close to being done though then it will have to be edited which will take awhile.  Once the editing is done, the corrections will have to be applied and the whole thing will have to be printed again before it can go to the publishers.  I’m thinking I will let Kinko’s or somewhere like that do the final printing and copies.    Then off to the publishers and literary agents.  Very exciting.

Reading “The Shining” is also stirring up ideas of my own for a “haunting” story so might start on that too.  I don’t know how writers find the time to finish one book if they have so many going.  Stephen King said in his hay-day he would write 3,000 words a day.  In 2001 he said he writes closer to 1800 a day – wonder how many he writes now.

I know I am no where near 1800 a day let alone 3000 but I suppose if I get motivated more I could do more.  Also if I didn’t have interruptions and have to actually work a regular job.

I have no grand illusions here – I don’t expect my books to hit the New York Times Best Seller’s list – but I do hope that they glean a moderate fan base to keep me writing.  Someday – hopefully by the time I’m fifty, I would like to be done working the regular job and be writing full time.

I am slowly marrying the idea of buying an RV so that I can travel and write once I’m retired from the general work force.  It would really be awesome. 

I suppose after a few years I would get sick of it and settle down but at least if I traveled the entire US, I would know where I wanted to settle down to. 

Maybe it is a “pie in the sky” dream but hey, its my dream so as long as it is a coconut cream pie in the sky, I will continue to work towards getting to it. 

Just Thinking

I’ve been thinking today about getting rid of cable tv.  I would keep the internet.  It isn’t an issue of money really but more that I would like to not have those things clouding my life.  Hours in front of the tv are completely wasted and that bothers me.  I keep talking about how I’d like to simplify my life and live more like the people back in the old days.

Granted, internet is a “new” days kind of thing but I need  that to keep in touch with people and to pay my bills.  The cable is $60+ a month and for what? Bland entertainment that I don’t even really enjoy while I’m watching it.

Besides the cable tv, I am thinking I should get a bike and then start riding to work on Saturdays and Sundays to save gas, get exercise, and be outdoors.  I have a bike picked out at Walmart but won’t buy it till next month.  I know I wrote about the bike already on the other blog.

I’m going through my day to day life looking at other things that I could cut out to make life more simplistic – I’m looking to cut the fat, so to speak.  It is an intriguing idea that has been blossoming in my mind all day.

It would be rather awesome to start reading and writing more!

Wise and Foolish Builders

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the roack.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house and it fell with a great crash.  Matthew 7:24-27

When I read this passage, I think about the hurricanes of Florida.  The wind and the rains beat down so badly that many houses could not withstand their force.  Those winds were phenominal to watch from the comfort of my home – I was thankful my house was built of concrete that was for sure.

I have had that feeling again that I will be moving again in the next five or so years.  It is a bit disconcerting because I halfway want to get settled once and for all.  Of course, moving also gives me a bit of a thrill thinking of possibilities and what God would lead me to.  I am sure it would be quite an adventure which, in my opinion, is how God intended life to be.

I am applying for a passport so if I ever go on a cruise, I’ll have it.  Also it will help me be prepared if God leads me to another country on a mission trip – I would kind of like to go on one with my friend Dawyn to see what she does and help in any way I could.  If nothing else I could always keep the records or give shots.

July's Vacation

I’ve been rather stuck on Michigan lately for a place to visit this July instead of the cruise.  I’ve received a travel brochure on Michigan in general with one of those request cards to request more info about the area I’m interested in going.

Right now I’m having a hard time deciding on which area I want to see.  There is the Pictured Rocks area which is on Lake Superior – they have sandstone cliffs that rise over 200 feet in the air, boating, hiking trails, etc.

There is the Great Lakes Shipwreck Museum, a restored lighthouse, Tahquamenon Falls (largest falls between Niagara and the Rockies), and sandy beaches caressed by the turquoise waters that are Superior.

“The three largest Great Lakes – Superior, Huron and Michigan – come together here, rolling against a singularly rugged land.” Advises my brochure.  I wish there was a picture of that but the pictures offered are incredibly beautiful too.

Then there is Isle Royale Island which is in Superior but almost up to the Canadian border.  There are many hiking trails on the island and more wildlife (such as moose) than anywhere else in Michigan.  The island is 45 miles long and only accessible by ferry.  Obviously it is on my list due to Navada Bar’s book “A Superior Death.”  I can’t remember what the other title was that also took place on this island.

Who would not want to see Lake Huron whose shores bustle with shops, ships coming into ports of call, the Old Presque Isle Lighthouse, and Thunder Bay National Maritime Sanctuary.

Actually, I have so much yet to read that I can’t begin to make a decision yet – though I’m leaning toward the Upper Penesula of Michigan.

Father of the Bride

I watched the above movie streamed to my computer via Netflix earlier this evening.  What is it about this movie that always warms my heart? I love it! I love the second one as well – I laugh and cry in them every time.

Steve Martin in these two movies reminds me a smidgen of my brother which makes me wonder how he is doing up there in Canada.  I’m sure he has the love of his “split apart” to keep him toasty warm.  I look forward to seeing them in June.

I guess the movie gives me a sense of nostalgia but also of peace at how simple events like a wedding can bring a family together.  My niece is getting married in a few months…actually will probably have two nieces getting married this year.  Weddings are so wonderful because they represent a fresh new life for the couple saying those wedding vows.  I usually sit there wondering what the future will bring for them – will they be happy? Will their love last the tests of time? I hope so.

Hmmm…wonder if my niece is registered anywhere? I need to check that out.

Vacation

I was hoping to go on that cruise this July but have been kind of rethinking that lately.  There are so many places I would like to visit that cost a tenth of what that cruise would cost.  Yes, Alaska is on the list but not at the top so maybe I will refocus my efforts to a different vacation experience.

My friends really want me to come back down to Florida for a visit and I am leaning in that direction but that could be because I’m cold right now.  I must admit, it would be fun to hang out with them – go kayaking, para-sailing, out on sea-dos and maybe even a bit of sailing/snorkeling.  No doubt we’d hit up a night club or two for karaoke too though I never, ever sing.

But the whole idea of a vacation this year was to go by myself to give me time to think and figure out life.  That makes me think of going out west somewhere or maybe to Tennessee.  I don’t know.  There are so many cool places to go – several are right around the Great Lakes even.  I get travel magazines from Triple A so get to see all kinds of wonderful excursion possibilities.