Dusty Dirt

While I was waiting for the staff to return to the doctor’s office today, I decided to go wash my car.  There was a thin layer of dust on it which makes it appear dull in color instead of shiny.  I spent the money, washed the car and went back to my apt.  Later I drove the car into town for another apt and then drove it home.  As I was getting out of my car I noticed that there is, already, a thin layer of dust on my car.  How did it get so dusty so quickly when earlier in the day it was so spiffy?

Where is all this dust coming from? We don’t have any major construction going on in the area so why is there so much of it in the air?  But not only that, if this dust is getting on everything it touches how much of it are we breathing in with each breath? No wonder people have hacking coughs around here – it is all this dust they are breathing in.  It certainly can’t be good for the lungs can it?  No wonder my dogs are coughing when they come indoors and my nose is always clogged.  Yes, some of it is allergies but one of the things I’m allergic to is dust.

We talk about clean air standards and make the industry keep their emissions to a minimum but how can we filter out this awful dust?  It almost makes me want to wear a surgical mask when I go outdoors.  Fortunately, I don’t want people to think I’m an eccentric freak more than I want clean air.

I think it is time for a nap – I’m very tired.  Hopefully I won’t lay in one position long enough to get as layered in dust as my car.

Off to Work I go, Hi Ho, Hi Ho

Well, it is that time again – off to work for my first 12 hour shift.  I can’t say I mind it – I didn’t have anything to do at home anyway.

Took the dogs for a short walk.  Two grown people on bicycles were on the sidewalk and started harassing me for walking the dogs on the sidewalk.  The woman called me an “old crazy bitch” to which I responded she was a “stupid ass dumb fuck” who should be on the street not on the sidewalk.  The street out here is not a busy street and it is extra wide to accommodate bicyclists.  There was no reason for them to be on the sidewalk.  Children, yes but not full grown adults in long distance riding gear.  I wouldn’t have said a thing if she hadn’t started it. 

Oh…such intelligent conversations we are capable of.  Well, anyway, people drive me nuts sometimes. 

I am expecting tonight to be very busy as I have heard from coworkers that it has been that way every night since students got back.  Tonight is a big drinking night so imagine it will be even worse.  I’ll probably take the officers and let my coworker have the guards simply because she has had the officers the last three nights I’m sure.

I guess I best get going – I want to stop for soup on my way as I haven’t eaten today yet and am quite hungry now.

Calm Down

Wish things would calm down just a bit here. It is 3:08am and things are still clipping along. So far it has been mostly little, irritating things that take too long to deal with.

Have things to think about so would like to have the chance tonight while staring at the world through cameras. It gives one a sort of “connected in a detached sort of way” feeling that is conducive to hashing life over.

My officers are being pricks tonight – it irritates me to no end and makes me thrilled I have the next several days off. I hate when they act like jerks – I have 13 people to keep track of and don’t need the extra guff from them.

Part of it is that they are disappointed they didn’t have more exciting calls than what they have had and part of it is I’m not among their favorite dispatchers. Why? Because I’m not under 35 and “cute” like the younger dispatchers are. I’m not as old as the older dispatchers who they think of as motherly either so I fall in the middle.

Being a middle child, you would think I’d be use to it but it still irritates me. I haven’t done anything to these guys – yet some nights, not always, but some nights they act like I’ve got leprosy or something.

{sigh} If I say anything then I’m accused of being too sensitive. Whatever. I know I’m in a foul mood because of what is going on the next few days but still – I know I’m not imagining their snide remarks either.

I have come to realize the only way I’ll be saved from the rut and complacency of life is to be published – I have to work on it more assiduously, that is for sure.

Dammit

I was waiting until 3:30 am to switch the channel over to TNT to watch Law and Order.  I kept it on USA until exactly 3:30 according to my clock that, supposedly, automatically corrects it’s time every night at midnight.  I was diligent in not turning it a second early even.

However, after all that watching the clock, Saving Private Ryan ran over by five minutes so I ended up catching the end of it anyway.  I can’t handle the ending, it always makes me cry when the old man asks his wife if he has lived a good life.  The things other sacrificed so he could live wrenches at you the entire movie but that ending gets me every single time.  So now I’m sitting here with tears running down my face and no Kleenex to wipe them off.

I have often wondered where someone drew the line on how many people we are willing to sacrifice to save one man? Or even a few more than that?  What makes that one person’s life more important than those who die trying to save him? How do they rate?

Working in law enforcement, this is also a dilemma I go through now and then – more in Florida than here.  If people do very stupid things that get them in a life-threatening situation, why should we chance the lives of our rescuers to save them? I’m talking about those idiots who would take their boats out during a storm to see how high the waves got, or people who go swimming out in the middle of the bay at 10pm at night without lights or any form of safety equipment.

How about the people who wouldn’t evacuate the barrier islands when told to by law enforcement due to an incoming hurricane who then call in the middle of the storm to be rescued from their flooding home?  Yes, we leave it up to the rescuers on whether they will chance it but why should they even have that option? Most of them are married with children – why is some stubborn rich person’s life worth the risk?

Oh well – guess there is never going to be an answer to that question.  In the movie Saving Private Ryan – I think like eight or so men die to save this one man.  Just think what a burden that would be to carry around the rest of your life.

Home, yippee!

Finally that night has come to an end.  It wasn’t one I want to repeat very soon.  Had fire alarms  & burglary alarms galore going off at the same time – hate when that happens.

Managed to keep busy most of the night so wouldn’t have to try to break Susanne’s hold on Bejeweled.  I admit I tried a few times but got so disgusted I had to stop.  I must resign myself to be second place this week.  Last week I managed to squeak by Kristen to claim the championship for the week but no way I’m getting by Susanne.

My morning has been bummed out already – I’m almost afraid to go to sleep because I know there is a nightmare lurking in the shadows of my mind.  I started our online training for this month – we have to do it every month.  The first call was of a woman whose car had been swept away in a flood.  It was an awful call that ended in her drowning.  I have to say, the dispatchers sucked big time and I hope they lost their jobs. 

Listening to her, knowing how the call was going to turn out, upset me.  She so easily could have been saved if just one of the three people she talked to had a shred of common sense.  I can understand her being confused – she was in a scary situation – but even once she regained her composure and said she was going to exit the sinking vehicle the dispatcher told her to stay in the car.   It took the fire department five hours to find her submerged vehicle but there she was, in the car still buckled in her seatbelt.  Ugh.

This situation is one of the ones I fear terribly.  I would have a hard time being in a vehicle that was sinking – even though I know what to do to get out, I’d still probably have a mental breakdown once I was safe and nightmares the rest of my life.

Anyway, I have to walk the dogs.  It has been raining so it will be a short walk which I prefer anyway as tired as I am.  I’m too tired to even dread working again tonight. 

Sears

When did a huge store like Sears (yes, owned by Kmart but still) put clothes in their catalog without models? The clothes are on hangers or stands – WTH? I’m not buying a dress without seeing how it looks on a person…even if it is an unnaturally thin one.  I want to see how far the front dips, how it gathers at the waist line, how far down the leg it goes, plus I want to see accessories I might like to buy with it. 

What is wrong with the fashion industry? I find very few dresses I would even consider because the neckline plunges practically down to the belly button! Whatever happened to something a little more stylish and reserved? Not every woman feels like she has to be a walking advertisement for sex.

I like Newport News’s clothes and buy from them online more than anywhere else.  Their sizes are a little off so I’ve had to send stuff back before but once I get the size I want, I enjoy the outfit.  My closet is getting bare as I throw out clothes that are too ragged to wear in public any longer.  I had one t-shirt full of little cigarette sized holes though I never smoke.  I think something got in the wash with it (like the underwire of a bra that escaped) and poked the holes.  I liked that t-shirt too. 

Now I’m thinking I’m going to have to start buying clothes to replace the ones I’m tossing.  My closet was relatively bare to begin with so this makes it even worse.  I wish I was a clothes horse like a couple of my sisters but I hate shopping so that makes it impossible.  Guess I’ll have to work on that.  Really, if I went shopping during the week on my days off I’d probably like it more…I hate crowds.

But when it comes to money for clothes, I bulk at spending a lot…which shows in my grunge style.  It isn’t that I don’t think I’m worth it – it is that I can think of a zillion other things the money should go on.  Shoes are another thing – I would like to get more shoes but it is hard to buy several pairs of sandals when I think I could buy one neutral pair that goes with everything.  Hmmm.

I actually let my nails grow out the past couple of weeks thinking I might like a little bit of a nail rather than always having them trimmed down to the skin.  However, I hated the feeling of anything getting under the nail.  It bothered me so much I had to trim them back again.  Guess I was never meant to be a diva.  I’ve never wanted to be a full-blown diva that has to read fashion magazines, paint my nails and toes, wear expensive clothes, and all that other feminine stuff – but I do want to shed some of this tomboyish flair and be a little more feminine.  Can’t be a tomboy forever I guess.  They don’t really call it “tomboy” anymore…it is more wearing sports clothes (tennis shoes, shorts, tank tops, workout bras, t-shirts, etc) rather than fashion clothes.

Irritated Beyond Measure

I have been pretty irritated with Iowa City all week and each day it seems to grow.  First off is Hancher & the Arts – it has been over a year since the flood and we are no closer to getting a replacement building.  Why aren’t they booking more shows? There is still Carver Arena to use – maybe the sound isn’t as ideal as Hancher but still, why aren’t we using it more?

What is up with the Cirque De Solei? They have a big top traveling show where all they need is a big parking lot to set up in – we have a ton of those.  Why are we doing more? Man it irritates me.  I’m so sick of hearing about how we had the flood…other places have managed to recover – let’s put our thinking caps on and get moving on this.

Once a site for the “new” Hancher is decided upon, it will still take half a decade to get the building built.  Are we really going to have such limited cultural art events until then? I may have to move to another city if that is true.

Today I get over to the Sycamore Mall at 6pm to buy my son a birthday card there at the Hallmark store.  It is 6pm on a Saturday evening and the mall is already locked up tight.  WTF? That is just ridiculous! I could see if it were Sunday but SATURDAY??

I realize that Des Moines, Chicago, Minneapolis and St Louis aren’t that far away but who wants to travel that far for a two hour performance? Sure if one could make a weekend of it but that isn’t usually possible.

I so wanted to see the Nutcracker this Christmas.  It has been 22 years since I have seen it & am so disappointed it isn’t going to be here.  There isn’t much of anything here…I’m telling you, it makes me see red.  I’m starved for some cultural arts.  {sigh}.  We don’t even have a big museum to go to like the Museum of Science and Industry or the Field Museum in Chicago.  Why don’t we have a zoo? ARG!!!

What Happened?

I have been very busy today as I outlined in my previous post. I think being out in the sun and in here sweating must have taken more out of me than I thought. Earlier I went to sit down to cool off – I had sweat pouring down my face – with a glass of ice tea. I laid my head back for a moment to unkink my neck and woke up two hours later. I was out that darn fast. I can’t believe I was so exhausted – I think it was more all the sweating and the sun.

It can’t be that I was dehydrated like my sister has been doing the past couple of weeks because I have drank 2 gallons of ice tea in less than two days. I just made two more gallons and poured the first glass. One might think that was a lot of ice tea, and of course it is, but it replaces the tons of soda I was drinking every day. I never thought I drank 2 gallons of soda – usually 1 1/2 to 2 2-liter bottles a day – but I guzzle the ice tea. Even now that glass I just poured ten minutes ago is almost empty.

An old memory just popped in my head of my mother making me homemade ice tea with sugar and ice cubes while I was out mowing grandma’s lawn. Mom would heat up the water, stew the tea bags in it and then pour it over ice cubes & add sugar. It was the best tea ever. I make it that way sometimes but usually go with Crystal Light now because I don’t like most of the artificial sweetners they have out there instead of sugar. Splenda is alright but damn expensive.

Now even though I took that two hour nap (from 6 – 8 pm) I am still yawning. I don’t think I could fall asleep again but I don’t have energy either. Very strange. I ate Chinese food earlier – maybe it contributed to being tired?

The dogs want to go out again for a walk but we will wait for a little while as my neighbors on both side are hanging out on the front lawn. I’m not feeling very social.

Oh, you know, I just remembered I took 3 Advil a little bit before I fell asleep. I don’t know why but regular Advil makes me feel so tired too so imagine that played a big part of it.

I am an Idiot

It started yesterday very early in the morning when I was trying to watch a movie on Netflix.  There was this loud chortling that sounded like a bug bigger than a cricket but smaller than a June bug.  It was coming from around my desk area.

The idea of having some unknown bug in my house bothered me but not enough to go searching it out.  Than, later it seemed to stop and didn’t start again for hours.  I thought the bug had died or something.  But then it started up again for a little while before once again falling silent.

In the early morning hours (3am) this morning I was watching a movie on Netflix again when the chortling came so loudly it made me jump out of my chair.  More than a little freaked out now, I got the wonderful can of bug spray and started dousing the desk, the computer and behind everything hoping to get the rascal.  The smell of the spray is more than offensive but I didn’t want this bug crawling on me in my sleep.

It wasn’t until I had sprayed enough to make both the dogs and myself start sneezing when I realized something rather off the wall.  It was as if the chortling was come out of my speakers.  So I decided to investigate a little further and discovered that the chortling wasn’t a bug at all but the sound my stupid Weatherbug started making whenever we were under a weather alert.  I’ve had this program for years and it has NEVER made a sound before so apparently this is something they added in the past two days.

Unable to find the correct place to shut the damn thing up, I decided I would just delete the program – I have the Weather Channel and our local news agency both bookmarked so finding out what the weather is doing should be easy enough.  So I went in and deleted the program. 

What I didn’t realize until it was too late was that my Webshots program was also highlighted (this is why you don’t do stuff when you are too tired that you can’t take back.  So now I have deleted Webshots which breaks my heart.  It has taken me years to build my collection of photos of areas I wanted to travel to and animals that I love.  It is all gone with just the touch of a button. 

It is too exhaustive to go back and try to find the photos again.  I can only download five pictures a day so there is no way to do it in one sitting.  I just don’t have the energy or desire to do that again right now.

I do believe, I could be wrong, but I do believe that my computer is working a little faster with the program off now so maybe it was a blessing in disguise.  I sure will miss all those magnificent pictures though.  Guess I’ll have to get out and take more pictures – need to do some traveling to get some really good ones…maybe I’ll win the lottery tonight. 

Life Purpose

I had my evaluation tonight – first one since I started working here.  It went well and the Lt pretty much said what I thought he would as far as my strengths and weaknesses went.

When he asked me about the future and I told him I didn’t see myself working here in five years, he wanted to know what my goals were and what I could see myself doing.  Talk about a bummer.

The truth is, I’m not sure what I will be doing.  My desires are quite simple – I want to be published, to adopt, be debt free, own a house in the country and be able to travel when I want.  I know these things are linked to my life’s purpose and therefore important to me.  How I will necessarily achieve these goals is still a bit in the air.

I guess a clear cut plan would be nice but life just isn’t that way…not my life anyway.  I had a clear cut plan for moving to Iowa and it ended up being nothing like what I had planned for.   I’ve always subscribed to that “The best laid plans of mice and men” theory.  No matter what I plan, something I didn’t expect comes along that makes me laugh in either hysteria or resignation. 

Now I’m going to spend the next four hours sitting here analyzing my life and fretting over all possible futures.  Ugh.