Internet’s Back

Both Internet and cable were down for a couple hours today making it impossible to be passively entertained.  I wrote in my journal and put a movie in called “Shattered” which I had seen before but not for many years - it was alright.

Right now I have “Jurassic Park” in and it is at the scene where the T-Rex is attacking the kid’s car.  At 7pm I will turn it back to cable as the movie “Supergator” is suppose to be on Sci-Fi then.  You know how I love those corny “B” movies.  I think the actors work harder in the B movies because they aren’t famous - each movie they do they are hoping someone will recognize them and they’ll make it to the big time.  Once actors are stars, a lot start thinking their shit doesn’t stink and their fans will put up with anything.  Usually the B movies have one star that was an extra in a few big name movies so as to lend some sort of authenticity to the show.

Rick, my brother-in-law, decided to go to the races tonight instead of watching his granddaughter here.  I don’t know if the child is going along or if they found someone else to watch her.  I would have watched her had they wanted me to but no one asked.  It is good he is spending bonding time with his oldest son but it makes me feel like I’m a fifth wheel in that he probably would have stayed home to enjoy a night on his own if I hadn’t been here.  I hate feeling like I’m in the way.

However, hopefully, that will change this next week and I can get moved into my own place.  I won’t have much of anything to start with but I guess that is alright.  I can buy cheap plastic plates and what not at the Dollar Store.  I have my pots and pans so at least that is something.  My younger sister gave me a glider that use to be our Mom’s so I will have something to sit in to watch TV if I can still borrow a TV from someone.  I will have to buy a DVD player because I can’t go without TV and I won’t be able to afford cable for awhile.  Don’t know what I will do about the Internet - guess I’ll have it at work or have to go to the library.

I hope I get a two bedroom apartment so I can make the second one a den.  Course, I don’t have many books anymore…it makes me very sad.  I left some books in the condo that I definitely want so hope I can get back there to get them.  My sister said she’d go down with me when I’m ready if I wanted.  I’m thinking between her, Wayne and myself, we could get a lot done.  I’m not so sure I want to sell it now and have been trying to dream up ways that I can keep it awhile longer - short of winning the lottery or getting a big raise, I’m not sure it will be possible.  Man I miss my condo.  I don’t miss Florida but I do wish I could transport my condo up here.

Oh well, such is life.  I’ve been working, as I said I would in a previous post, on how I’m going to change my life.  So far I haven’t come up with much but I do think I’m on the right track.  I promised myself when I was in Florida that living back in Iowa would be different this time.  I would explore my home state and do more fun things in it and the surrounding states.  That is still one of my goals.  I wish I had all the answers but I don’t. 

 

Boredom

My sister and I were talking about boredom tonight.  Not just incidental boredom but boredom with our seemingly so “normal” lives.  Why can’t our lives have a little more pizazz? We spent some time trying to come up with things we could do to spice up our lives but ideas were few and far between.  We finally decided it all came down to money.

If we had the money to do what we wanted, when we wanted - life would be a bit more exciting.  Of course, we’d get into a lot more trouble but who cared as long as it was an adrenaline rush? My sister wants to climb Mt. Everest…uh, she can have that cuz no way does that appeal to me.  Swimming with sharks doesn’t appeal to her either so guess we will have to do them separately.

But to be able to do what I wanted each day would be so liberating and fun.  I wouldn’t go hog wild now in my 40’s like I would have in my 20’s if I was given the option to explore to my heart’s content.  Now I would do a lot of traveling and spending time with my family.  I’d buy a cabin in Montana or Wyoming so I’d have a mountain retreat and keep my condo in Florida for my winter retreat.  Then I’d live in Iowa the rest of the year.

Yes, it is all just wishes and daydreams.  I can’t imagine we’ll ever have the money to take off on new adventures everyday.  But wouldn’t it be awesome? I know money can’t buy you happiness - but it can break up the monotony…you know?

The Usual

I know, more of the usual.  Sounds rather humdrum and boring.  Sorry folks but I have 3 more hours to go and am trying to fill the time up with something.

Thus, I’m back on my kick about running away to Montana.  I really don’t count it as “running away” per say as more of a desire to get away from what everyone else considers so normal.  I really miss the idea of going to Wyoming - I was so looking forward to it.

Not that I blame anyone for not being able to go - hell, I couldn’t afford it either.  But one of these days I’m just going to up and go by myself.  I might not have as much fun as I would with others but at least I would get to do it once in my lifetime.  I’d really like to give living in rustic surroundings a try for a few days.  Not saying anything really scary or horrific…just a few days out in the wilds of North America.

You know, one of the problems with living in Florida was that I lived in a city.  I’ve never been fond of cities as they seem too crowded.  There are no open spaces and to get “out in the country” required driving at least 12 miles through city traffic.  It was just too much.  I’m more of a country girl or small town girl - I don’t enjoy the noises associated with a lot of traffic.  I probably wouldn’t have that problem in Montana, huh?

I know I said I had three hours to go a few minutes ago but now I really only have three hours to go.  I looked at the clock wrong last time - boo hoo for me.  I so just want this day to be over with!!! Can’t wait to get out of here.

I wonder how much a cabin would cost in Montana? Surely not that much.  Anyone want to venture a guess? I would like a little cabin with two rooms (bedroom,kitchen/dining), bathroom, and fireplace.  Sounds simple enough.

Another Place

Expectations.  We all have them - for our own lives and those around us.  We look out of our surroundings and decide, subconsciously, how we will react to them.  It isn’t just our surroundings but the things we must participate in such as work, family, alone time, etc.

All week I was looking forward to today…a day off.  I hate working days and it irritates me to no end that I have another week of them.  I view it, whether I’m right or wrong for doing so, as a punishment for requesting to be off training early.  The person who does scheduling could have left me on the night shift this past week but she chose to do this to me instead.  I knew she would.  I also knew it would reinforce my dislike for the job.  I have decided next time a city job is open, part-time or full time, I will put in an application.  I am not happy at the University thus far.

But what were my expectations when I moved to Iowa? I’ve already described my expectation that things would be harder then staying in Florida both financially and living quarters.  I knew it would be and I would like to say that knowing so has helped me keep a positive attitude…but I’d be lying.  How many times have I asked God to test me, to test my strength and wisdom, only to whine about it when he does?

At the end of the movie “The Edge”, Anthony Hopkins says something poetic about the tests of life never come when you think they should, but rather hit you up along side the head when you aren’t prepared.  I knew what was coming but I failed to really examine how the circumstances would effect me mentally, spiritually and emotionally.  I considered the financial aspects of it figuring the rest would just fall in line with my expectations.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed.  I’m just simply stating the fact that we have expectations but rarely do we see the full scope of what is ahead.  I’m very thankful to my son and my sister for letting me stay with them.  I just wish that I had been able to get my own apartment by now.  I wish I had planned a little better.  I am not sorry I moved.  The only thing in Florida I miss thus far is the beach.  I miss going out to sit and watch the waves come in when I’m feeling down.

But anyhoo.  Life marches on and in a few months, it will be more settled into a routine that I will probably be complaining about then as well.  I do know that I want a different job but don’t feel like I can go for that until the condo is sold.  That way I can take a pay cut if necessary…right now there is no way that I can do so unless I got a second job to make up the difference. 

Life in the 911 Lane

I really shouldn’t complain.  I tell myself that every day…but I still do, don’t I?

As of last Friday, I was officially out of training.  Course, I’m here working days anyway which I have to admit, however unwillingly, that I needed to work a few days to get a feel for what they are like.  I don’t want to work days - it costs me a lot of money for parking and what not - but I really did need the experience as last time I worked on days I wasn’t allowed to answer phones or do anything pretty much.

It seems like I often have hopes of the way something will turn out or happen  - then feel blue when it didn’t turn out the way I thought it would.  Often it ends up just fine and I always KNOW it will work out but I still spend time fretting over my expectations or the failure to meet them.

I think a lot of people probably put plans in motion and don’t account for all the things that could go wrong.  Or we do but we dismiss them as the extreme of what could happen to our plans.  When I decided to move to Iowa, for example, I knew money would be tight but I decided that I could handle whatever came my way.  I still believe that but it doesn’t stop me from feeling disappointed that things didn’t go the perfect way I had planned.

I have more to say on this subject but must stop here for now.

A Mother’s Love

Years ago, when my son was a teenager, he was dating this most wonderful young lady.  He adored her and she adored him.  They made such a pretty pair, I always thought they’d be together.  But that wasn’t meant to be. 

As many teenagers do with their first young love, my son screwed it up and they broke up.  I don’t blame him - he was young and all these girls were throwing themselves at him.  He had just discovered sex and, being a guy, didn’t know how good he had it until he threw it all away.

As the years went on, he thought many times about calling her - maybe getting together as friends to see how things went.  However, she had gone on to college and she came from a good family much higher on the social scale, so he decided she deserved better then him.  He was someone who battled authority and got into trouble with the law - trying to live up to that “gangsta” image so big in all the rap songs.  She was responsible, bubbly, and a good girl.

Still, I have tried to convince him over the years to contact her but we didn’t know where she lived and her phone was unlisted.  Chances were very good that her parents would never give up the information as he felt they hadn’t really liked him anyway.  So he did nothing - waiting for fate to handle the situation.

Fate did too.  She just married another.  When he got the news, my son was upset.  He didn’t think the man she married deserved her any more then he did.  It put a solid end to that chapter in his life.  We talked about her and how stupid he was for letting her go but no use flogging a dead horse.

I emailed this woman, she is a beautiful woman now, after she had emailed my son a few days ago to tell him she was married.  She found him on “myspace.”  It is ironic, isn’t it that they finally make contact only it is too late to change their fate? She emailed me back and I detected a note of wishing that things were different.  Ok, it was more then a note.  She said she would always love my son and had gotten married because her father had a stroke and she was afraid he would die soon and he wanted to see his daughter get married.  I know she loves the guy she married but might not be “in love” with him.

Still, it a moot point now.  She is married and the cast has been set.  As much as I want to tell my son what she said - or show him her email - I don’t think that I can because it isn’t fair to him or to the woman he is currently dating.  I know he loves the girl he is dating now but am not sure he is “in love” with her…which is a big deal to me but he seems to think a compatible love is less emotionally exhausting.

I just want him to be happy…truly happy. 

 

I would like to say…

I would like to say that, for whatever reason, the gnomes and goblins that come out at night always put marks on my glasses.  I went to bed with perfectly clean glasses last night but today, when I put them on, there are marks all over the lens.  Why do they do that

I don’t understand the purpose of marks on my glasses - maybe it is just criminal mischief or juvenile pranks.  As far as I know, I have not offended the little buggers in any way, shape or form.  OK, it’s been years since I’ve read “Where the Wild Things Are” but how can they really fault me for that? I haven’t read “The Giving Tree” in years either but the little tree in my room doesn’t seem to care.

The smudges aren’t really fingerprints either - more like wet noses pressed against the glass. 

Cold Front

We have a “cold front” going on right now - temperatures are actually down to a freezing 63 degrees…burrr! LOL

In a week’s time, I will be saying “burrr” for real. What a joy that will be. I’m not looking forward to it.

Baxter and I just went out for our evening walk. It was a quick one due to the rain. There is a nice breeze going as well - wish it would storm, not just rain. Iowa has some great thunderstorms though so am looking forward to that.

Still have quite a bit to do here but don’t think I will shampoo the carpets as originally planned. I wanted to do it even though I was locking up the condo for the next several months but now I think what is the point really? I won’t be here to enjoy all my hard earned work. I doubt it would get rid of the urine and pooh smells from the animals - the carpet will have to be replaced for those smells to go completely away.

Should I decide not to sell the place, for whatever reason, that will be one of the things I will do - come down and replace the carpets. If I keep it, I figure I’ll come down once a year to get it aired out and cleaned - plus do some work on the place. Then if my son comes down once a year at a different time, he can do the same thing so it will get remodeled slowly over time.

Who knows, maybe I’ll become rich while I’m at it so I can spend winters here. Really wouldn’t be that difficult if I minimized the rest of my bills - I could work at Target down here and make enough to pay the bills here.

Well, one can dream anyway - right?

Tears in the Park

It was bound to happen - it had to hit me eventually. I didn’t expect it to hit me in the park but I guess a lot of times things come when you are relaxed and least expect it.

Baxter and I were on our 4th round when he jumped up on a park bench we were passing and refused to proceed. I sat down next to him, concerned that he was this tuckered out so early in our walk. We sat there a few minutes and I mentioned how nice the wind sounded in the palm prongs…then I burst into tears.

Baxter nuzzled me as if to assure me he was just tired, not dying. He seemed puzzled over the tears. Weeping I told him how soon we’d be going to a place with no palm trees, no green grass year round, no clear Gulf waters, no dolphins to watch for, no sharks to worry about.

I told him about the first time I jumped off a boat into pristine waters in Key Largo - how I could see all the way to the bottom, how warm the salt water felt and how big and colorful the fish were. I told him about the nurse shark and barracuda in the water with me and how, if you are just still and float, the current will sweep you along like a conveyor belt.

I told him about Mel Fisher’s maritime museum in Key West which was full of treasure he brought up from the sea. Mel was the first person who captured my interest and fed my imagination about the sea. From him came my love of sharks and ship disasters. I was in fifth grade and read a single paragraph on the man in a textbook at school…I was forever hooked.

I told Baxter about the Champaign sunset cruises, going sailing, etc. I asked him where in Iowa were we going to find good BBQ eel? Or squid? Or alligator tail? Baxter, being the fantastic listener that he is, gave a little whine of understanding. I dried my eyes and sighed heavily.

Baxter wasn’t ready to start walking again, perhaps sensing I wasn’t finished, so I went on with my diatribe. I told him how we were moving to be near family…my son in particular. I explained how it was time for my wanderer’s soul to return to it’s roots.

There are, I admitted reluctantly to him, things to do in Iowa. We can hike at the reservoir or lake, we can stroll through City Park or hike Ryerson’s Woods to the little deck that is so peaceful, we can canoe or paddleboat, we can spend our holidays with family instead of alone each year, we can go dancing (well, not him), I can visit the library a lot which I love to do and I love that library. The Arby’s there is a lot closer to downtown so he had a better chance of getting a roast beef sandwich when we go for a long walk…plus we are closer to Chicago which has wonderful museums and comedy theaters. I told him how he can play more with other dogs because just about everyone in the family has at least one. Oh, and ice cream tastes better in Iowa and the thunderstorms are more thunderously thundering then here.

As I paused, Baxter licked my hand and vigorously wagged his tail. He jumped down off the bench, barking excitedly as if to say “well, what are we waiting for? Iowa sounds grand.”

All my sadness left me as I watched him prance around. Iowa is going to be grand - Iowa is going to be the place where all my dreams come true. Florida will be here to visit but Iowa…why, that’s home.

Mondays and Diners

Got up early this morning to walk Baxter. I put on a tshirt and shorts to go out. What a mistake! I froze while waiting for him to go potty. Yesterday was very warm (high 70’s) and today is a lot cooler (50 degrees). After Baxter did his business, I went inside and fell asleep for ninty minutes in my recliner.

After I rested, I took Baxter to the park where we got in a full six rounds on the track. During the last one, Baxter give his little whine/bark that signals he needs a break so we stopped at one of the benches. He flopped right down - all four legs splayed out in front of him. We waited about ten minutes before starting again. He came inside at home and went straight to his favorite spot to sleep. After a bit he got up to eat and get some water but is now back in his spot fast asleep. Did I ever mention that he whines and sometimes even barks softly in his sleep? I wonder what is going through his head during those times.

I called my internet service and after about 10 minutes of them trying to “trace” my records the lady actually has the nerve to say “Oh, I see the problem. You should have called a month ago and we could have got this straightened out then.” I told her I had been calling, over and over. She said she didn’t know who I talked to but the problem was already fixed by her on the computer and that my internet at home should be working again inside a week. I was very pleasant - thanked her for all her help, etc - but wanted to throw the phone against the wall after I hung it up. I swear so many companies these days are incompetent.

On my walk I got to thinking that maybe, if I live in WL, my sister and I can start a little diner that has home cooked meals, etc. She has brought this up before as something she could do with her daughter but I think we could pull it off too. I think we’d be successful - especially if we limited the hours we were open to the busy lunch and supper crowds…maybe breakfast too since I’m such a big breakfast fan. I’m going to come up with some ideas and see what she thinks. Already have a name picked out too - “Marge’s Diner” - cuz that has a nice home cooked sound.

Then, we could travel to different places around the country to visit other diner’s and our entire travel would be tax deductable. There is a show on the food channel on different diners which is quite interesting. Each diner let’s the narrator sample their “specialty” dish (each diner was known for some dish the cook designed so it was unique to that place) and the guy would rate the food. Then he goes out where the customer’s are and chats with them on why they like the diner. I’m going to have to find out what time it is one each Sunday and tape it so we can get some ideas. I believe our diner should be home cooked in the good old Midwestern way but that we should have a couple of specialty, extraordinary dishes too.

It would be so awesome to live and work in the same town! Anyway, I need to go to the library now to see how long it will take for me to get on a computer.