Dear Family and Friends –

Another year is coming to a close and I know we all have many blessings that we are counting. We are also praying for blessings, some are praying for miracles, as we look forward to what 2010 will bring.

The truth is, it will bring a lot of the same thing 2009 brought as we continue to plod along on the same path we did. Many of us are in jobs we tolerate but few of us love our jobs and can’t wait to go to work come Monday morning. We have family and friends we stay in contact with – ones who care about us and who we care deeply for. There will be children’s games, school, homework, etc., for those who have school aged children – ballet, tap dancing, and other classes for those who have pre-school children. We will rotate the tires on our cars, buy groceries, watch tv, and continue on that way for the entire year. There is nothing wrong with this – it is called LIFE.

No matter how exciting or adventurous we want our lives to be, there will always be the regular mundane chores that must be done daily, weekly, and monthly. Tomorrow we could go ski down a mountain, the next sit for three hours at a Laundromat doing laundry. There is no way around these tasks – we all must do them…they are the substance our days are full of.

As with everything in life, there must be a balance or our lives are out of whack. This year I challenge each of you to dream larger, set goals higher, love more, give of yourself more, seek out new friends and reconnect with family that has grown distant over time. Life is bigger than all of us – it is also way too damn short so make yours amazing. If there is something you’ve been wanting to do but keep putting on the back burner – let 2010 be the year. Be unconventinal, break some rules, try something new…

We are a remarkable group of people – capable of fantastic things! Never sell yourself or your life short! Next year, let each of us do a Christmas letter that is so full of exciting things we’ve done, dreams we’ve realized, and new loves/friends we’ve met that we have to use both sides of the paper!

Merry Christmas!
Love, K

It is almost 11 am and I’m hanging out at home cleaning.  Got most of the kitchen done so that is one thing off my list.  I’m in a funky mood today thus far – not sure why.  Might go shop at Houseworks to see if I can find a kitchen table and chairs.  If I can’t find one there then I will hit the IC Stuff Inc though I think their prices are outrageous.  If nothing there then I’ll go back to the Coralville Stuff Inc and get the table I looked at last week – it didn’t come with any kitchen chairs which irritated me but was thinking I could get folding chairs for now if I have to.

Made breakfast – sausages, eggs and toast.  Ate the a couple sausage links, one egg and one slice of toast – the dogs are eating the rest.  My stomach feels so upset, I don’t understand it.  As I told my sister, I think the medicine I started yesterday is causing it but hard to say because I took it over 13 hours ago so you’d think the effects would have worn off by now.

I’m going to take the dogs to the dog park again today if it warms up some – suppose to be in the 50’s today.  The sky looks like it is thinking about snowing – thankfully it is too warm for that stuff.

Why is it the day I’m hoping for a package, the UPS and FedEx men are late? They are almost always here between 10-11am but no sight of them today.  I don’t buy that they are busier because of the holiday yesterday…they wouldn’t have had packages delivered to the warehouses either till today.  I know the minute I leave with the dogs they will come.  UPS will leave a package but FedEx won’t.  I have packages coming through both of them I believe.  Need to buy some Christmas wrapping paper so I can wrap them up.  I’m very excited about the gifts I got my son so far – I hope he will like them a lot.

I need to get my sister’s birthday present ready to be mailed too.  I hope she likes it.

Darn I feel so blue today, it started last evening – got better when I was writing – but now is back full force.  I don’t know what is up with it but I don’t like feeling this way.  Maybe part of it is that I’m listening to Charley Pride who my Mom loved and it is making me think of her.

One of my friends in Florida commented on Facebook today that she is so thankful for her 80-year-old mother who still goes out dancing several times a week in high heels, volunteers at the hospital and is so loving towards her family.  It makes me want my Mom and once again feel like I got the short end of the stick because she died way too young leaving her adult children to fend for themselves.  Face it, we all need our moms to be there for us – to give advice, to share things past, to make the holidays special.

In Florida I found a friend of mine’s mom was just fantastic – I really enjoyed being around them.  I can’t explain it but I took to her immediately and could have attached more long-term as her surrogate daughter but then she died too.  Makes me sad.  Oh well.  No point dwelling on it.

I wish my son would fall in love with someone who made his heart sing, that they would get married, have a few children and live happily ever after.  I don’t want him to settle for someone who doesn’t fill his heart with love and fear he will because he thinks he is getting older.  He expected to be married at 24 and having kids by 28 – he is 30 and has done neither but I tell him that is better than the alternative.  Who would want to be stuck in a loveless relationship and have kids to deal with?

Oh well. I need to get moving here and do something before I drown in the past.

Outside the stars iridescently shimmer in the heavens as the Waxing Gibbous moon makes its trek across the hospitable sky.  Temps are in the mid 30’s making our night walk a bit chiller than last night but still enjoyable.  Diligent homeowners spent their days raking up huge piles of leaves that the boys enjoy romping through.  I know, probably not the most neighborly thing to do but they don’t mess up any more than the crisp breeze does each day.

A mist is forming or maybe it is that my warm breath is fogging up my glasses as I walk along – it is hard to tell.  The boys are thrilled to be outside earlier than normal as I got out of work at 11pm instead of 3am.  I am hoping this means I can get more sleep tonight but I am also tempted to start reading one of the several books I have sitting on my end table – it does feel like prime reading time.

The apartment is a little cold even though the thermostat is up to 55 degrees – I haven’t heard the heaters kick on though in awhile so maybe they aren’t working right.  I suppose I best bring in my Jade plant – I don’t think it likes temps this low.  I sure miss my huge beautiful Jade plant in Florida – it was awesome and the biggest I’ve ever managed to grow one.  In fact, all my plants grew better in Florida but I guess it is no wonder since the weather is nicer longer.  Now everything I buy dies.  I probably spent $60-80 in plants this summer and have the Jade and a small house plant left - the rest all died out or the dogs ate them.

After Christmas I’m going to buy myself a large tree for inside – I had several in Florida and while I didn’t keep them indoors because the cats ate them, I did have them where I could see them from my chair. 

I think I need to order some more Christmas cards because I went through my list and I have more than 16 people to send them to.  I’ve been debating buying more of the same one or buying a different one – such decisions.  I do need to go buy a table this paycheck if I’m going to have Thanksgiving or Christmas at my house for my son.  Maybe he’ll get his house cleaned up enough to have one of the holidays.  It is kind of sad we don’t get together with sisters and their families but I guess everyone has their own thing going.  Next year I hope to have a place big enough to have everyone over – I can’t wait.

Believe it or not, I love hosting dinner parties and holidays.  It was one thing I did all the time when I was dating Gary - we had a big dinner party at least once a month during the nice weather so I enjoyed that a lot.  I doubt I would do all the cooking – probably cater in some things – but still, it would be fun.  I love decorating and organizing those kinds of things.  

Well, my movie is almost over – I’ve been watching Friday the 13th.  I know it is only 1am but I am thinking about going to bed anyway – then I can get up early and enjoy the day more tomorrow.  Now that the daylight hours are getting shorter, it will be nice to not have to sleep most of the days away.  I think I will work on getting pictures of the dogs in their Halloween costumes tomorrow. 

Well, I had been rather down the past several days but working with Laureen helped that a lot – she makes me laugh which is always nice.  I do enjoy working with her and I think I’ll enjoy working with Cindy too even though she will make life a little bit more intense.  I know she will make me a better dispatcher if she doesn’t drive me insane first.

Anyway, guess I’ll work on picking out a book – if I don’t read it tonight I can start it tomorrow.  I will need to do laundry sometime in the next few days too.  My son has off Wed and Thursday so maybe he will have time to spend with me some.  Really wish we could plan a short vacation but not sure where we would go.  After my trip to Florida in August, I’m not big on flying back down there so not sure where else we could go to have nice weather and beaches.  Thought about a cruise still but doubt that will work out moneywise.  Besides, I tell myself if it came right down to it, I should spend any money I could save on helping him with his education not going on a short vacation no matter how much I feel like I need one…

He, of course, doesn’t want me to feel like I need to help him out financially but it really isn’t a matter of what he wants.  I am his mother and helping is my nature. 

No matter how often I have tried to get some sleep yesterday and today, I haven’t been able to get more than a few hours each time.  It is now 5am and I am up again.  Was also up at 1am and 3:30 am and didn’t get a nap yesterday as I had planned.

The dogs want a walk but it is 30 degrees outside so I’m not going out.  I let them out for a few minutes and just having the door open that long has made the apartment cool when I did have it perfect.  My goodness I have such a headache and my chest hurts.  Yes, I’ve been taking my medicine – I think it is the cold air.

Being up at this time has me wondering if this is something I want to do two days out of the week.  The answer right now is ABSOLUTELY NOT!  Being up right now stinks – I don’t like it at all.  I am so dreading next week when I will have to be up this early Monday-Friday to go to training to be a trainer.  So dreading it but I have to get over that because it won’t be that  – a couple of my cohorts going along feel the same way, I’m sure.  One works nights like me, and one works at 11am five days a week.  I think only the last one actually will be use to this shift – he will have to drive to Molene each morning and maybe the other guy will drive home.   Man I hope the classes get out before 5pm each day.

I will, probably, get some overtime for this class but not much.  I honestly don’t care.  Going to the class gives me this Sunday and next Saturday off – my first weekend days off in over a year other than a sick leave day somewhere mixed in there.  I look forward to that though I have no plans for either day.

Another big thing is going to be parking.  I will have to pay for it each day – probably about $8 a day which stinks but I do not want to park it at a meter so I will park it in the garage.  It is not a reimbursable item but again, it is my choice so I can’t really complain.

But I can, once again, mention that I can’t see myself switching to days should the shift become available if it means getting up like this.  My sister is right – I wouldn’t go to bed until 1 am and then have to be up at 5:30 to get to work by 7am.  I can’t see myself doing that but will have a better idea about it at the end of this week.

is that I don’t want to do this anymore.  I don’t want to be stuck at this desk, looking at these monitors, trying to fill hours and dealing with all the crap everyone dishes out.  I’m sick of it – weary and disenchanted.  As one of my friends in Florida would say when things went FUBAR: “I don’t want to play anymore.”

I don’t want to care about students who get so drunk they pass out – will they make it home safe? will they suffocate on their own vomit? will they be in a fight? will they be raped because they take stupid risks?

I don’t want to worry about my officers – will they make it home safe? will this next traffic stop be the one that gets them injured or killed? are they in a good mood? are they prepared for when the shit hits the fan? can they depend on me? can I depend on them?

We picked up someone the other day on a warrant – they had a history of being a child molester.  As I was reading the warrant information I felt so disheartened and angry that this person was out on the streets in the first place.  People do their time and they get out but then they re-offend or offend in some other manner and who loses? the victim of course.  The person doesn’t care if they go back to jail – they know they’ve made it through once so they can do it again.

But each new offense has another new victim who must fight their way through something that no one should ever have to do.  If that offender had never gotten out, there would be no more victims.  I don’t care if the person did do their time – obviously it didn’t cure them or deter them from going back to prior behaviors.  I know, so what do we do…keep people locked up forever?  Obviously we can’t do that either.

Some days Nietzsche’s saying about looking into the abyss rings so true with me that I shudder at it all.  Evil walks amongst us and while so many people can wear blinders to it, I see and hear about it almost every day I work.  I’m so jaded and poisoned.

Granted, I am very tired and this has not been a good day.  Maybe once I am refreshed from a good, long, peaceful slumber I will feel ready to face the masses again – ready to battle evil – and summon my herculean concentration to keep everyone safe.

I know what my sister will say – “get your book published and you can stop working that job.”  Ohhhh, if only it were easy to do.

I was told by someone recently that it is a little strange and surprising that I have never contemplated suicide.  Not that I have a reason to but these thoughts do seem to cross most depressed people’s minds now and then.  But not mine.

I have a favorite quote from Agatha Cristie that I think sums up the way I have always viewed life:

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.

How can one argue with this? Yes, I get very depressed sometimes – my whole family is prone to it.  Yes, I have been so depressed I didn’t want to move off the couch, didn’t want to go outside, pretty much sat catatonic for hours – but never once did suicide enter my mind as an answer. 

I understand how some people see suicide as the answer when they are in a situation they can’t see their way out of or how they are in a miserable plight that looks like it will continue for the rest of their life.  I don’t hand out the platitudes when I talk to these people because I know they are in a very dark place and all those stupid pat answers only add to their darkness. 

But for myself, when the darkness surrounds me, I always know the sun will rise again – that depression is like the tide, it ebbs and flows.  My son and I have a saying when the going gets tough “We are Jackson’s, we can get through anything” which, to us, means that whatever we are going through is just a “thing” and things have a way of changing every moment of every day. 

Is that unusual? I love life – I celebrate life and nothing about death appeals to me.  Nothing.

There were several dogs at the dog park today.  We started off in the small dog pen so Baxter could get all his long distance running in without me having to worry about him interacting with the larger dogs.  Bennie is afraid of the bigger dogs so that isn’t a problem with him – he stays relatively close. 

A Boston Terrier arrived shortly after we did so the boys ran around it for a few minutes but it was obvious that he wasn’t a very social dog so they took off to run the fence line together.  It is a huge pen so running around once gives them quite a workout and they usually go around two or three times before they are too pooped to go again.  As they were running, a friendly Pug joined the group so they had a blast running around the pen together.  It is amazing how they can entertain themselves.  The woman with the Pug had squeaky toys for it to play with but it ignored them all in favor of running around.  The Boston stayed close to its owners – playing fetch with a little squeaky ball.

Bennie does not care for squeaky toys  – the noise startles him.  Once their playmate left, I took the boys out to drink some water and then into the big pen.  This was the first time I ever let them off their leash in the big pen so I was a bit concerned how Baxter would do but he was just fine.  He ran all over that pen, which is even bigger than the other one, sniffing every dog that he could.  None of the big dogs were much in the playing mood which I found disappointing but I suppose it was too hot – several of them went into the pond to swim but as Bennie still has his staples in, I wouldn’t let mine though both of them wanted to.

As Baxter and Bennie were flying here and there on their short little legs, I got to thinking about life and how it is so much like the ocean.  A person can have smooth sailing for days – everything is peachy, sun is sunny, sky is blue, etc.   You know that under the calm surface there are monsters prowling around but they don’t bother you so you figure you won’t bother them.  You decide to jump off the boat for a quick swim and get caught in a rip tide you didn’t know was there and pulled down to those monsters waiting to devour you and just when you think it can’t get any worse, it gets better.  The rip tide releases you, the monsters go away and life becomes calm again as you climb back on your sailboat to sail on the glassy surface. 

There are times when the waves come up higher than your boat and splash down soaking you.  It was not your choice to have these waves but forces outside your control brought them on so all you can do is deal.  You batten down the hatches, turn your nose into the wind and ride it out the best you can.  Someday your vessel will crash onto the rocks and be sink as all vessels eventually do, but until then you will keep on sailing into that sunset often not knowing where you are going or where the tides will take you. 

Right now I’m bogged down in barnacles but one day soon I’ll get them scraped off so that my sailboat is sleek and lean again. 

Tigers have long been a favorite big cat of mine – they are graceful, stunning and firmly on their way to extinction.  Of the eight subspecies of tigers, three have met with total extinction in my life time. This knowledge grieves me greatly.  I will never understand the human races need to destroy everything in its path in an effort to grind the environment to meet our needs rather than vice versa.

All tigers are on the endangered species list according to C.I.T.E.S (Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species).  The tiger is currently the MOST endangered animal in the world – so much so that the entire species may die out before our young children reach middle age.  How could we let this happen? Seriously, how can we live our lives every day not understanding how just about everything we do impacts the environment and the animals that live within it?

Below is the reported findings of the International Union for the Conservation of Nature and Natural Resources that summarizes the current status of my beloved felines.

Caspian Tigers: Became extinct in the early 1970’s.  As there are no specimens in captivity, this species has truly been wiped off the face of the earth.

Balinese Tigers: Became extinct in the mid 1970’s.  Again, as there are none in captivity, these beauties are also lost to us.

Javan Tiger: Became extinct in the early 1980’s.  Again, none are in captivity.  These three tigers will never again walk the earth or bask in the sunshine.

Sumatran Tigers: in critical danger.  There are no more than 250 tigers in the wild with their numbers declining each year.  Of the 250 tigers, there are less than 50 reproductive adults left.  Currently there are approximately 250 animals in captivity.

South China Tiger: in critical danger/pre-extinction.  Currently there are about 20 to 80 tigers left in the wild.  There are about 40 more in captivity.  Experts fear that there are not enough of these animals left to repopulate the species no matter how hard they try.  All efforts to save this animal came too little, too late. 

Siberian Tigers – in critical danger.  Less than 200 tigers remain in their natural habitat.  Only 20% of these live in a protected area making the other 80% susceptible to poaching and human encroachment.  There are approximately 1000 animals in captivity.

Indochinese Tigers: threatened.  Current figures believe there are 1200-1700 still roaming their territory.  As their habitat continues to be threatened by humans, their numbers are steadily declining.  There are about 60 tigers in captivity.

Bengal Tiger: In danger.  The Bengal has the largest population of tigers in the wild with 3,000 to 4,000.  Of those numbers, there are 2500 reproductive adults.  However, each year their numbers are declining.  There are some 350 tigers in captivity.

If we do not act now, my beloved tigers will not survive.  We must find a way, globally, to become more in tune with nature and how our behavior is destroying way more than we think.  We can no longer afford a cavalier attitude about anything and must extremely change our attitude if we are to save these exquisite creatures.  Please support conservation and the organizations that fight to save what precious little we have left.  Every little bit helps – each person can make a difference.  If every human donated $1, think of all the good that could be done for our environment!

There are many organizations working feverishly to bring animals back from the brink – a simple internet search and a little research can help you decide which one you would like your money to go to.  If you do not wish to take the time to find one, I would suggest WWF (World Wildlife Fund) as they have over 45 years of experience and work with over 100 countries in the battle to save many species, including the tigers.  You may find them at http://www.worldwildlife.org/

Today for just a moment I felt like I was really on to something.  I felt like I was right there, on the verge of a great enlightenment but it just won’t come forth and I don’t know why.  Maybe I’m trying to hard.  Do you ever have that feeling like there is something your subconscious wants to bring forward but it just stops short of reaching your consciousness? If I could only get past the last barrier in my brain, I know whatever this is would greatly enrich my life but I can’t.  The knowledge is knocking and I can’t figure out how to open the door because it requires a combination that I have forgotten.  It is so irritating.

I do believe it has something to do with nature, night sounds, and my writing…ugh.  It tries to seep in under the door but it just can’t quite make it to me.  Something is changing inside me – I can feel it but I can’t quite put my finger on it.  Maybe when I go to sleep tonight it will find its way through the door.  Whatever it is has the power to change my life – damn. 

It started earlier today actually.  I went into town to have soup and coffee with my son.  I remember thinking everything in life is perfect when my son is near me.  He makes me laugh and is such a super guy.  We were talking about a movie called “Life Without People” done by National Geographic on how the world would recover if humans were suddenly absent from Earth.  He has seen the movie – I have not but I checked it out from the library before picking him up which is how the topic came up.  He watches a lot of documentaries and things from the History channel.   But as we were talking, an itch started in my brain.

After leaving him I went to Barnes and Nobel where I picked up three more books for myself and one for my sister.  For her I bought Nicholas Sparks new book “The Last Song” which sounds like it would be pretty good – I will have to borrow it for her when she is done with it.  I like Nicholas Sparks – his writing is so eloquent.

For myself I bought: Homer’s Odyssey by Gwen Cooper.  It is about a cat who had to have its eyes removed when it was just a kitten.  The owner of the cat has two other cats  and is amazed at how well the blind cat interacts with his environment.  I’m looking forward to reading it – I’ve heard really good things.  The second book I bought for myself is “Hope for Animals and Their World” by Jane Goodall – it is about several species that were on the endangered list and how environmentalists worked to bring them back from the brink.  The third book is “A Big Little Life” by Dean Koontz – it is all about his dog Trixie and how much she influenced his life.  It is going to be a tear jerker even though it says right on the flap that she is dead now so I go into the story knowing that.

As I looked at these books in the bookstore, I felt an inkling of something but I couldn’t put my finger on it so I decided to put it on the back burner because I was going to the movie “All About Steve” with Sandra Bullock.  Throughout the movie I had the immense feeling that there was a message there I wasn’t getting.  Sandra’s character “Mary” is a very smart person who is made to feel abnormal by those “normals” around her.  As she strives to prove that she is normal, she realizes that “normal” is a relative word so what she really needed was to find other people who were as normal as she was.  It was a good movie – it made me laugh. 

I was struck by how it is so true that society as a whole pushes what it thinks is normal and acceptable on us all and most of us just accept it’s narrow-mindedness.  Why do we do that? At first I thought this was the thought…the thing my subconscious was trying to tell me but as I drove home I realized it was only one piece of the puzzle.

When I got home I took the dogs out for a walk and as I listened to the night sounds, I knew there was so much more to this epiphany if only I could will it forth.  I closed my eyes and imagined myself out in the country with only the sounds around me – how awesome that would be.

I don’t know but I have been mulling this over now for about five hours so I guess it is time to give my brain a break.  Whatever it is, I can not force it – it must be gently coaxed.  {sigh}

I made a pot of broc and cheddar soup but something is missing – I can’t tell what it is.  It makes me so mad.  The first time I made it, I thought it was delicious – almost Panera Bread quality but not quite.  Since then, even though I do exactly the same thing, it never turns out how I want.  Sometimes I wonder why I even try.  My son believes it is the crock pot but I don’t know why that would make a difference.  He cooks his soups in a soup pot on the stove.  Maybe the crock pot isn’t getting it hot enough fast enough so the ingredients don’t blend as well? I have no idea…that is just a guess.

It is time for bed now – 3:30 am and I would be just getting home from work had I gone there tonight.  My throat feels better but I think that Tylenol medicine is playing havoc with my stomach now. 

Talked to my son on the phone for about thirty minutes.  He is having relationship issues still which can get him pretty down.  We are still going out tomorrow before work so that will be good. 

Right now he has two girls pursuing him – one his age and one much younger.  He isn’t ready to date either yet – the one his age is fine with that but the younger one is very emotional which comes with immaturity.  She had it all built up in her mind that my son would get out of his other relationship of four+ years – go out with her once or twice and be ready to get married.  She says she has been in love with him for over a year now.  Well, that just doesn’t fly with my son who is still trying to get over the last one that broke his heart.  I think he will probably have a chat with the younger one and let her down easy – she has a lot of growing up to do.

I was talking via instant message to a friend of mine in Florida who is also having relationship issues.  Her boyfriend has decided he must move home to Texas to be near his father because his brother came to Florida for a visit and made him feel guilty for living so far away.  I guess their mother is dead so the father is alone except for his other three children who still leave in the same city as he does.  I don’t know if her boyfriend is the youngest and that is why he feels so guilty or what. 

Anyway, it is tearing apart my friend because she would go with him to TX in a heartbeat but he won’t let her.  He sees her beautiful house (with pool) and all the things she has built for herself there in Florida and doesn’t want to be the reason she leaves someplace she so obviously loves.  She is originally from Texas though so moving back there would not be a horrible sacrifice to her.  She hates her job and just wants to be with him.  I don’t understand how something can be “right” if it causes both people to be miserable and unhappy. 

So here I sat for several hours tonight dishing out relationship advice when I, myself, am not in one.  Not only am I not in one, but I have little desire to be  in one ever again.  There is so much drama and problems in marriages, dating and romantic relationships.  Part of it is that I’m selfish.  I don’t want the hassles of having to consider another person’s schedule, feelings, wishes, ethics, etc.  Sure sometimes it would be nice to have someone to do things with, get dressed up for a nice romantic dinner, and have sex with – but overall, these things are no longer all that important in the big scheme of things.  It isn’t that I still wouldn’t like to have it but I’m at the point in my life that if it doesn’t happen then that is alright too.