Not feeling so well…

It started about an hour ago – bad headache, upset stomach, and the feeling like I could vomit any moment.  Not sure why or what it is causing it.  Before it started I felt pretty hungry but don’t anymore.  I ate soup earlier today (around 3pm) so don’t know why I’d be hungry again already…it is only 8:40pm.

On the way into work I was behind a truck whose exhaust was making me gag – wonder if that is what set this off? I was behind him through two stop lights there in Coralville.  Think vehicles with horrible exhaust like that should be barred from being driven in public.  I was sitting there thinking an oxygen tank would come in handy right then.

I was also, on my way to work, debating my ethical duty in informing people of things that could get them stopped by an officer.  An example is a vehicle who stopped at K&G with me.  I noticed the passenger side brake light was out & considered telling the owner who I stood behind in line to pay for my purchases.

Do I be a good Samaritan and let him know he could get stopped for it? Or do I ignore it figuring it might be good for him to be stopped.  I mean, I don’t know his story – maybe he is wanted, barred or suspended.  An officer stopping him for his tail light would be able to find that information out and act accordingly.

Last week on my way to visit my son I saw an elderly woman with her tail light out as well.  I tried to speed up to inform her but she got through a yellow light and I stopped.  I ran into her again down the road – an officer had stopped her, presumably to tell her about the light.

I think it is good public relations for officers to stop people for safety issues.  They never issue tickets for these minor things & it gives the general public a chance to see how polite officers can be.

In the movie “30 Days of Night” the main character tickets a man whose truck is leaking a little bit of oil.  When asked by his partner why he did that, the main character replied that the man lives all alone, hardly has any contact with others, so the ticket reminds him that he belongs to that community…that he isn’t alone.

Kind of hinky, I know, but still – positive interaction between the public and officers is a good thing.  We aren’t just here to bust your chops – we care about your safety and the safety of others.

Therefore, I did not tell the man in front of me that his tail light was out. 

Thank Goodness

My friend Holly is out of surgery and, while in a lot of pain, seems to be doing alright. I’m very relieved – I was worried about her. I wish I was down in Florida for her.

I am so bad at keeping in touch even though someone is very special to me. I guess I figure there is always time but then something like this happens and makes a person realize time is fleeting.

The Nice People

We have all met a few of them in our lives – they are the people that others naturally gravitate too.  There those people that always look nice without trying, always have kind words to say, make us laugh and generally make our day more pleasant.

Of course we all want to be labeled as “nice” and we all do have the “nice” gene to varying degrees, but I’m talking about the ones who are way up there on the scale.  The ones who inherited 99.9% of the nice gene so are naturally nice where, face it, some of us have to fake it now and then.  In fact, “nice” doesn’t even describe these people well – they are kindhearted and gentle. 

They are lighthouses in the darkness of life.  They automatically know the right words to say, they know when you need someone to be there without talking, they sense when you need a hug or a good laugh.  If they could materialize whenever you needed them then I would be convinced they are something way more than “human.”  The way it is, I think they are the essence of heaven.

When I am with one of these friends, I can’t help but sit there thinking – “why can’t I be this way?”  I asked one of them the other day how she came to be so nice – she honestly didn’t know what I was talking about because “nice” is so natural for her that she hadn’t stopped to think about how she “became” nice.  I envy these people.

As I was formulating this post in my head very early this morning, it occurred to me that we often seem to lose these nice people way to early.  We might feel comforted by thinking that God just needed another angel so he took one from earth but another thought hit me.

Maybe these people die early because the rest of us flawed souls are drawn to them like a moth to the flame.  We unload all our rubbish on them because we know they will know what to do for us.  But maybe that is the problem.  They are bombarded with our negativity but give off only positive ions.  Where does all that negative energy go? Maybe they soak it up from us until their light goes out.  Maybe we are inadvertently killing these people that mean so much to us.

I don’t know.  The only thing I’m positive of is that the we lose so much and are in such peril when one of these shining lights burns out.

Thoughts

A couple of weeks ago I went to Mom’s grave to talk to her.  After a bit I sighed and told her it would be so much easier to carry on a conversation if she would just answer me or give me that look that only a mother can give.  You know, the one that says she might not understand everything you are going through but that she will always be there for you and support you.  Only, of course, she isn’t and I find that very pissy. 

Some days a person wonders where they will glean the strength to make it through one more day – heck, one more hour.  Between the rush of the job and life, it seems hard to catch ones breath let alone have a moment of peace to ponder the path we are on.  There are so many unimportant things (like housework) that keep us feverishly fumbling along as the days go by.  You find yourself reacting to life instead of directing it.

Sounds rather glum.  However, there is always a bright side because each day presents new opportunities and experiences.  There are people around that love you and children who are dear blessings.  Even though there are down times, there are really good times too where life is blooming like a rose and everything around you smells as fresh as an early morning rain.

Those are the days that write the true story of our life – not the bad days. We fill our photo albums and scrap books with memories of all these good times so that we can pull them out on bad days to laugh at how carefree we were (and still are). 

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing. Agatha Christie

Life Purpose

I had my evaluation tonight – first one since I started working here.  It went well and the Lt pretty much said what I thought he would as far as my strengths and weaknesses went.

When he asked me about the future and I told him I didn’t see myself working here in five years, he wanted to know what my goals were and what I could see myself doing.  Talk about a bummer.

The truth is, I’m not sure what I will be doing.  My desires are quite simple – I want to be published, to adopt, be debt free, own a house in the country and be able to travel when I want.  I know these things are linked to my life’s purpose and therefore important to me.  How I will necessarily achieve these goals is still a bit in the air.

I guess a clear cut plan would be nice but life just isn’t that way…not my life anyway.  I had a clear cut plan for moving to Iowa and it ended up being nothing like what I had planned for.   I’ve always subscribed to that “The best laid plans of mice and men” theory.  No matter what I plan, something I didn’t expect comes along that makes me laugh in either hysteria or resignation. 

Now I’m going to spend the next four hours sitting here analyzing my life and fretting over all possible futures.  Ugh.

Today its about yesterday

We all have those nostalgic days where we wonder what would have been if we had made other choices.  I suppose no one can go through life without wondering and reassessing the choices they made.  Most people could probably come up with a few things they would do differently if they could do it over knowing then what we know now.  Unfortunately, that isn’t the way it works.

Our choices are made by what information is available to us at that time.  We assimilate the data and choose what we hope is the best course of action.  Hind sight is always 20/20 – the future never is.  Ten years from now I will probably look back on this time of my life and be able to pick out some things I could have done differently – though right in the here and now, I am blinded to those options.

Sometimes I wish I could see the “big” picture – that I could see how my life will unfold so I can be prepared.  But really, how boring life would be if we knew exactly what we’d be doing, where we’d be doing it, who we’d be doing it with, and why we’d be doing what we were doing ten, twenty, thirty years from now.  It takes away possibilities and options – it steals hope.

So instead of spending my time today wishing I could change things in the past, I am spending it looking to the future with optimism, enthusiasm, and yes, hope.  I don’t know how it will all unfold – I fear there may be a few heartaches ahead of me but I also know that I will cope with them when they present themselves.  Really, what choice do I have? 

Friends

In the elevator down to the basement where I work, the thought jumped into my head that maybe I should see out a counselor.  I had an excellent one in Sarasota – I really liked her – and think maybe I should look for one up here.  Why, you may ask.

I was thinking about that, though I have many friends, I really don’t have anyone I can talk to.  I mean really talk to.  Someone who listens without judgment, without indignation, without platitudes, and without judgment.

Sometimes a trained professional asking me the right questions to trigger the answer that I already know but can’t seem to put my finger on, is so very helpful.  I value that.

A counselor does that – they ask who, what, why, when, where, how of the situation and gives leading questions that help me organize my thoughts and the situation.  You may be wondering why I can’t do it on my own since I know the questions.

The answer is simple really.  When you are in the middle of something – it doesn’t have to be a crisis – you are so focused on one thing that you can’t see the bigger picture.  You might think you can but once you start trying to put it all together, it just seems to not fit right.  Some people – and I know a few – see things more black and white so they don’t have trouble with the gray.

My coworker thinks I think too much – that I am always analyzing rather than just accepting that life is as it is and float along with the rest of the world.   I am a laid back person when it comes to my interaction with others – exceptions are road rage and those who hurt others.

But I take a lot to heart too.  Things friends and family say that really hurt my feelings bother me and I wrestle with the correct response.   My motto is if the response will cause them anger or pain then it is better to say nothing.  Like any motto, I try to live by it but have slipped more than once.

I like someone who is detached from every situation who can help me answer the questions and see the options I have.  My niece is a counselor and I’m sure she could explain this so much better than I can.  I’m going to have to ask her for her clinical view on why people without major problems or crisis still want to see counselors.

The thing is, and I have heard my sister say the same thing, none of my friends or family really know the deep dark “me” – a counselor is paid to get to know that part of myself and help me make sense of it.  Does that make sense?

After reading this post, do you not see why I should seek out a counselor? It is about as organized and insightful as trying to analyze mud.  LOL

Just Thinking

I’ve been thinking today about getting rid of cable tv.  I would keep the internet.  It isn’t an issue of money really but more that I would like to not have those things clouding my life.  Hours in front of the tv are completely wasted and that bothers me.  I keep talking about how I’d like to simplify my life and live more like the people back in the old days.

Granted, internet is a “new” days kind of thing but I need  that to keep in touch with people and to pay my bills.  The cable is $60+ a month and for what? Bland entertainment that I don’t even really enjoy while I’m watching it.

Besides the cable tv, I am thinking I should get a bike and then start riding to work on Saturdays and Sundays to save gas, get exercise, and be outdoors.  I have a bike picked out at Walmart but won’t buy it till next month.  I know I wrote about the bike already on the other blog.

I’m going through my day to day life looking at other things that I could cut out to make life more simplistic – I’m looking to cut the fat, so to speak.  It is an intriguing idea that has been blossoming in my mind all day.

It would be rather awesome to start reading and writing more!

Psalms 46

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Psalms 46: 1-3

I find this passage comforting.  No matter what comes at us in life, He is our refuge and our strength – what could we possibly fear or worry about?

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge.  I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.  Psalmst 57: 1

What comfort to think about be sheltered under the wings of God! The Psalms were, of course, written by David who had fled from Saul into a cave.  He obviously had reason to be stressed and unhappy but he knows that God will not forsake him.

Nor will God forsake us – no matter how far we may have drifted from him, he is still with us.  There are so many treasure nuggest of wisdom in the Bible – I think I could read it every day for the rest of my life and still not glean all the riches from it.

Parable of the Sower

Parable of the Sower:

The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed a good seed in his field.  But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away.  When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.

The owner’s servants came to him and said “Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?”

“An enemy did this,” he replied.  The servants asked him, “Do you want us to go and pull them up?” 

“No,” he answered, “because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them.  Let both grow together until the harvest.  At that time I will tell the harvesters: first collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned, then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.” Matthew 13: 24-30.

I know this is a well known parable and I have meditated on it many times.  I must admit, I love the parables.  There is such wisdom to be gleaned from them, such understanding.  They are the explanation of the Kingdom of God in the simplest form.  One can tell some people things until they are blue in the face, but put it in a parable and you can see the light go on. 

The Parable of the Weeds Explained:

“The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man.  The field is the world, and the good seed stands for the sons of the kingdom.  The weeds are the sons of the evil one, and the enemy who sows them is the devil.  The harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels.

As the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the age.  The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil.  They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.  Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of the Father.  He who has ears, let him hear.”  Matthew 13: 37-43.

Before the end times spoken about in the above parable, Jesus speaks of the “harvest” in Matthew 9:37 when he says “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.  Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.”  In this verse, christians are called upon to go out into the harvest, the world, to bring his message to the masses. 

Jesus told the disciples: “I am sending you out like sheep among the wolves.  Therefore be shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” 

Has there ever been a time in our history when evil has not prowled around us, spreading darkness, hatred, unbelief, and greed?  No.  With all the crime in the world, is it not even more evident that the harvest is great but the workers are few? How it must grieve the Lord.

Dr Stanley pointed out in a sermon here recently that disbelief in Jesus, God and the bible will not stop the day of judgement from coming.  He said it is like seeing a 30 ft wave coming towards you and you are professing not to believe it is there even as it crashes down on top of you.  It is coming.  The question one must ask themselves is “Will I be counted among the weeds or the wheat when the season of the harvest comes?”