Well, the storm has hit and it is crappy outside.  I’m not happy about it but this is what happens when we live in the Arctic states rather than the equator ones.  I’m suppose to get out in about an hour to meet someone for some artwork, then go pick up my son to run him around some before dropping him off at his girlfriends house.

I’m also suppose to pick my furlough days from work – have to take five.  Not sure if I should take them all at once or over a two month period.  The latter would be best for dispatch since our coworker is still out sick and will be for quite some time.  Arg.  I am not complaining about having to take them – there are a lot of people out of work so if I’m required to take five days without pay, so be it.  My problem is figuring out when to schedule them so there is the least amount of impact on work.

Yesterday my cousin told me my last remaining Uncle has only a few months to live.  It is sad to find out something like that – my heart goes out to them.  It puts life into perspective, doesn’t it?

I was thinking about this and myself.  I’ve never been one to accumulate money.  If I see it sitting in the bank I wonder what good things I could do with it rather than letting it sit there.  I know it would drive most people insane not to have a nest egg but it doesn’t bother me.  To me, life is short.  We are here today and gone tomorrow – really just mere seconds if you figure the time between when the Earth was born until its eventual death.  So I am going to pursue every avenue of pleasure, happiness, love, caring, giving, that is available to me during my few seconds. 

Some people save up an empire for their children – I say that is what life insurance is for.  My son will be comfortable when I die at the rate of insurance I have on myself right now.  I don’t want to go to the great thereafter without having experienced life to its fullest.  I have a “bucket list” of things I want to accomplish before I become no more. 

My Uncle can say he has lived a good life.  He has done many things and raised five wonderful children.  He has a loving wife who has loved him for 53 years I think is where they are up to now.  He made an honest living during his working days.  His integrity, ethics, and wisdom has inspired many.  I hope whatever time he has remaining on Earth is spent enjoying the fruits of his labors.

Dear Family and Friends –

Another year is coming to a close and I know we all have many blessings that we are counting. We are also praying for blessings, some are praying for miracles, as we look forward to what 2010 will bring.

The truth is, it will bring a lot of the same thing 2009 brought as we continue to plod along on the same path we did. Many of us are in jobs we tolerate but few of us love our jobs and can’t wait to go to work come Monday morning. We have family and friends we stay in contact with – ones who care about us and who we care deeply for. There will be children’s games, school, homework, etc., for those who have school aged children – ballet, tap dancing, and other classes for those who have pre-school children. We will rotate the tires on our cars, buy groceries, watch tv, and continue on that way for the entire year. There is nothing wrong with this – it is called LIFE.

No matter how exciting or adventurous we want our lives to be, there will always be the regular mundane chores that must be done daily, weekly, and monthly. Tomorrow we could go ski down a mountain, the next sit for three hours at a Laundromat doing laundry. There is no way around these tasks – we all must do them…they are the substance our days are full of.

As with everything in life, there must be a balance or our lives are out of whack. This year I challenge each of you to dream larger, set goals higher, love more, give of yourself more, seek out new friends and reconnect with family that has grown distant over time. Life is bigger than all of us – it is also way too damn short so make yours amazing. If there is something you’ve been wanting to do but keep putting on the back burner – let 2010 be the year. Be unconventinal, break some rules, try something new…

We are a remarkable group of people – capable of fantastic things! Never sell yourself or your life short! Next year, let each of us do a Christmas letter that is so full of exciting things we’ve done, dreams we’ve realized, and new loves/friends we’ve met that we have to use both sides of the paper!

Merry Christmas!
Love, K

Why does the music stop? How does life seem to go from wonderful to insane and the holidays from happy to sad? We often think that there will be music forever as if life twirls around on a carousel with brightly painted circus animals with possibly a few dragons or fantasy things thrown in for good measure.

But for some the holidays are not going to be so merry – they aren’t going to sing “Joy to the World” or care whether it is a “White Christmas.”  They aren’t going to be looking under christmas trees for presents or standing under misletoe hoping for a kiss.  They will be standing in lines for kidney or cancer treatments, and a host of other things in places that smell medicinal.  They aren’t going to be sharing the time with loved ones except for maybe the ones who take them to and from the hospital or treatment center. 

I know, sad.  We found out early today that my uncle – my last surviving uncle – has cancer and his prognosis isn’t all that good.  Of course, they will try to do everything they can to help him but chances aren’t all that good.  I don’t know what all this means – don’t know if they have any idea on how much time he has left.  I do know he is a very sweet man and didn’t deserve this.  No one does, I know but it seems extra sad that they, his family and himself, found this out right before the holidays.

There are ample ways a person can give to help those around them – there are the bell ringers, toys for tots, food drives, etc. 

It is easy to take life for granted – to believe that the carousel will always go round and around, the pretty little horses go up and down, and the music will always play a cheerful tune.  But it isn’t so for everyone.  For some people the music stops and  while it maybe temporary in some cases, for others the music never starts again. 

While we are out buying gifts, singing holiday songs, and joyfully consuming punch – let us remember those less fortunate and those who won’t be able to spend the season at home with loved ones.

It is almost 11 am and I’m hanging out at home cleaning.  Got most of the kitchen done so that is one thing off my list.  I’m in a funky mood today thus far – not sure why.  Might go shop at Houseworks to see if I can find a kitchen table and chairs.  If I can’t find one there then I will hit the IC Stuff Inc though I think their prices are outrageous.  If nothing there then I’ll go back to the Coralville Stuff Inc and get the table I looked at last week – it didn’t come with any kitchen chairs which irritated me but was thinking I could get folding chairs for now if I have to.

Made breakfast – sausages, eggs and toast.  Ate the a couple sausage links, one egg and one slice of toast – the dogs are eating the rest.  My stomach feels so upset, I don’t understand it.  As I told my sister, I think the medicine I started yesterday is causing it but hard to say because I took it over 13 hours ago so you’d think the effects would have worn off by now.

I’m going to take the dogs to the dog park again today if it warms up some – suppose to be in the 50’s today.  The sky looks like it is thinking about snowing – thankfully it is too warm for that stuff.

Why is it the day I’m hoping for a package, the UPS and FedEx men are late? They are almost always here between 10-11am but no sight of them today.  I don’t buy that they are busier because of the holiday yesterday…they wouldn’t have had packages delivered to the warehouses either till today.  I know the minute I leave with the dogs they will come.  UPS will leave a package but FedEx won’t.  I have packages coming through both of them I believe.  Need to buy some Christmas wrapping paper so I can wrap them up.  I’m very excited about the gifts I got my son so far – I hope he will like them a lot.

I need to get my sister’s birthday present ready to be mailed too.  I hope she likes it.

Darn I feel so blue today, it started last evening – got better when I was writing – but now is back full force.  I don’t know what is up with it but I don’t like feeling this way.  Maybe part of it is that I’m listening to Charley Pride who my Mom loved and it is making me think of her.

One of my friends in Florida commented on Facebook today that she is so thankful for her 80-year-old mother who still goes out dancing several times a week in high heels, volunteers at the hospital and is so loving towards her family.  It makes me want my Mom and once again feel like I got the short end of the stick because she died way too young leaving her adult children to fend for themselves.  Face it, we all need our moms to be there for us – to give advice, to share things past, to make the holidays special.

In Florida I found a friend of mine’s mom was just fantastic – I really enjoyed being around them.  I can’t explain it but I took to her immediately and could have attached more long-term as her surrogate daughter but then she died too.  Makes me sad.  Oh well.  No point dwelling on it.

I wish my son would fall in love with someone who made his heart sing, that they would get married, have a few children and live happily ever after.  I don’t want him to settle for someone who doesn’t fill his heart with love and fear he will because he thinks he is getting older.  He expected to be married at 24 and having kids by 28 – he is 30 and has done neither but I tell him that is better than the alternative.  Who would want to be stuck in a loveless relationship and have kids to deal with?

Oh well. I need to get moving here and do something before I drown in the past.

My condo is officially gone as of today.  It has made me upset at the loss and made me hate the tiny apartment I am in now.  I miss having my own space, I miss the Gulf and Bay, I miss being able to wear shorts all year, I miss the beach…  I took the condo keys off my key ring – it is so empty without them.  It was the last strand holding me to Florida – I miss many things about my life down there but being here with my son is worth the sacrifice.  Still, I feel kind of lost knowing it is gone…

Decided to take the “long” way home because that is the street the Laundromat is on although I had half talked myself out of doing the it. The rain has been pouring down and really, who needed clean clothes anyway?

Got past the Super Wal-Mart signal light and traffic came to a screeching halt. I had already seen two car accidents on the strip so figured that is what was happening further up too. The green light loomed in the distance and I was barely creeping towards it. Cars zoomed by in the other lane figuring they would make it through the light before their lane ended – I could feel the seething anger coming from the drivers, like myself, who had decided to keep their place in line even though we were barely crawling along. I know the fast cars all made it through long before I did but you know what? I didn’t care in the least.

I had my tunes going on the radio via my mp3 player and was enjoying listening to the songs mixed with the sound of the pounding rain on my roof. What was the hurry? I was just going to the dreaded Laundromat and then home. My son didn’t have time for me today which was fine – I told him yesterday not to sweat it if he didn’t because I had plenty of other stuff to do.

Took about eight minutes, I half timed it just for the fun of it, for me to get up to the light. Once there, much to the chagrin of those behind me, I let ALL the speedsters from the other lane go ahead of me. Yep, it was that kind of day where I just didn’t care. Earlier, at a car accident, my lane was blocked by the officer and people in the accident. No one wanted to let my lane in to go around so I finally pulled into the other lane, totally stopping that lane dead, and let everyone ahead of me into the moving lane. The car behind me honked but I just gave him the one finger salute and kept going. Irritates me that people can’t let others in the lane when there is obviously a need for it. Such assholes – where are they rushing off to? No where, most of them aren’t even happy at home so why rush to get there? I try to always let people in if their lane is blocked through no fault of their own – it is the courteous thing to do.

Anyway, my lane barely moves – it takes almost a full half hour to get the four miles to North Liberty where suddenly the lanes were clear for going the speed limit. There was no accident, no stalled cars, nothing! So why was traffic so backed up??? I have no idea – can only think that someone at the very front was going too slow or that we were behind a tractor or something that turned off before I got up there. Whatever the case, I was a tad bit miffed that I had just spent all that time in a traffic jam for no apparent reason – would have at least liked to have seen a stalled car or something. Ridiculous.

Got to the Laundromat and put my clothes in the washer. It was absolutely pouring outside but I decided to go outside to that horrendous pop machine to try to get a soda. This machine has only actually worked ONCE in the past 15 months. So I stood in the freezing rain plugging quarters into the machine. I had 20 quarters and tried them all to no avail. Some would work but most just fell right through. I tried a dollar bill along with one of the quarters that worked but again, no avail. By this time I am soaked despite the raincoat.

Frustrated, I made my way to the Tobacco Bowl next door and they had soda there – forty cents more than the machine but who cared at that point? The guy looked at me and said “wow, you are wet” and I wanted to have a smart comeback but bit my tongue because it was not this nice man’s fault that the pop machine didn’t work or that I had wasted time in a reasonless traffic jam. I just smiled and said “Indeed I am” and came back to the Laundromat with my Diet Pepsi. My fingers were bright red and so cold they hurt – no it isn’t that cold outside but I think it was the length of time I was out there and the cold rain that made them so chilled they barely worked to open the soda.

As my clothes spun around in the front loading washer, several college age guys were also doing their clothes around me. Of course, I had one bra in the entire two loads and what gets plastered against the window for practically the whole 22 minute cycle but that bra. I guess it is better than a pair of underwear but still…why? I have tons of shirts and pants in there…but no, the bra. Figures.

My son won’t stop talking about moving to Hawaii…I am starting to get worried. I know it is the epitome of paradise but it is also a very expensive place to live and limited on jobs. If I were published and making money that way, I wouldn’t give moving there a second thought but the idea of trying to find a job and what not there makes me a little bit nuts.

He has talked about Hawaii many times in the past but never as seriously as he has been talking about it since his friend Chris has lived there and is back there now through the spring. Chris really wants my son to move there and calls him all the time to try to convince him. I am hoping my son sees how difficult it would be and stays on the mainland.

I understand where my child is coming from – he just turned 30 and wants to live other places than just Iowa and California. Plus Hawaii promises paradise and I know how much of a draw that is. I am drawn to it myself…I just wish the logistics of it were easier. I thought Florida was difficult – imagine moving to an island where things are more expensive and it would take weeks to swim back to the mainland if I ever felt the need. Everything has to be imported which also makes it more costly. Personal belongings can be shipped over but what about the dogs? I’m not sure how much it would cost to fly them over with us but I bet it would be more than I’d care to pay. {sigh}

Oh well. I’m not going to let it stress me too much until he is renting an apartment and packing to leave for there – which hopefully will never happen.

I just got my reminder notice that I have training tomorrow at 8:45 am.  This means I will get off at 7am and have to hang around for a few hours before getting to go home.  It does not make me happy.  I won’t get paid for the time between getting off and the training – then the training could last 90 minutes which means I won’t get home till 10:30 am.

Obviously I can’t let the dogs stay cooped up in the kennel for this long so I suppose I will have to run home, walk them and then come back in for the stupid meeting.

Why is the meeting stupid, you may ask.  The thing is, we are not allowed to do anything with the alarm program itself so whatever they “train” us to do, we aren’t going to be allowed to do anyway.  Only two people are allowed to mess with the alarm program – the rest of us just acknowledge the alarms.  So why should we go to that training???

I don’t understand going to training for training sake.  This week long training we went to a couple weeks ago is probably a mute point too because now they have decided they can’t afford to pay us to be trainers.  But they didn’t “just” decide this, apparently they decided it last month so why didn’t they cancel our training?

I’m sorry, I don’t feel like wasting my time on pointless training even if I do get paid an hour of overtime.  I figured by moving to days and not getting my raise I will be losing $100 a month in shift differential pay.  Is it worth it? I just don’t know.

Ok, so I’m disenchanted and grumpy.  I know I should be thankful I have a job and all that good garbage.  But how great is it to have a job when you feel like the job is sucking your life away?

My job takes most of my energy for five days out of the week – I have to sleep or come into work.  That leaves two days to clean, see family and friends, relax, read, write, run errands, etc.  I realize that is the way it is for everyone usually.  But most people work 8 hour days so they have at least 4-6 hours each day for themselves.  Working 12 hour nights (or days soon) means there is no time for anything else but getting home, sleeping, checking a few emails, walking the dogs and coming back to work. I don’t sleep well – wake up tired all the time.

So yes, having to come in for crappy training, barely getting any sleep and having to be back in to work just pisses me off.  I have got to get published or something but when is there time?

I’m sorry, I know I’m complaining.  It is 3:30am and I am so very tired – nothing looks bright and cheery when I’m this tired.  Like this coming weekend I work 5 days instead of 4 because I agreed to work for my coworker Friday night.  I thought I would get the following Tuesday night off so I’d still only be working the 4 days but I was wrong.  Sunday is November 1st so it would be two different months to do it the way I thought.  Ugh.

My sister said it seems like I’m having a bad year.  I wouldn’t necessarily say it was a bad year but it certainly isn’t where I wanted to be at this juncture of my life. 

Took the boys out for a walk in the rain because the rain doesn’t appear to be stopping any time soon and they needed to be walked.  Played tug-of-war and keep away with them first so they were pretty worn out – that way they don’t feel cheated over the shorter walk.    Now they are both sacked out – one on each loveseat. 

I have been cleaning too – climbed up on the step to wash the ceiling fan, it was so filthy.  I clean it once a month which makes me wonder where all the dirt comes from on it.  Is there that much dirt in the air that I breathe? If so, it totally explains the dry hacking cough I have when living in Iowa.  It disappeared in Florida but came back within a month or so of returning here. 

I vacuumed, did dishes, cleaned the bathroom and dusted some.  Only have another twenty minutes or so before I’ll have to close my curtains.  I need to get some lighter ones this summer to let more light in.  These are lined to keep out the cold so I will leave them up through the winter.  I like semi-sheer ones that let in some light but keep out peeping toms…or tomettes in my case.

Found out the metal dish the dogs have been using for water is actually defective - it has three holes in the bottom so all the water leaks out.  The metal dish is an old 3 qt sauce pan I haven’t used because it was all scratched up inside.  The dogs have used it for a water dish for months without problems but I cleaned it yesterday.  There appeared to be hard water spots in the pan so I scrubbed it with a heavy duty scrubber.  Well, I must have scrubbed too hard and cracked a couple of weak spots…though it is hard to believe metal cooking pans have weak spots.  Now their water dish is a glass bowl that I rarely use but I don’t want it to be their new dish long-term – just until I can buy them a new metal one. 

 In FL Baxter had a doggie drinking fountain to use which I liked but forgot to bring here.  I’ve been looking for another one like that one but haven’t found one yet.  It had a filter on it to keep the water clean plus had a storage container attached so as Baxter drank from it, it replenished itself until the storage container was about empty.  I had to fill it about once a week.  Baxter really liked drinking from the waterfall part of the fountain. 

I swear time got away from me.  I went in and had soup with my son – took him to work and came back home.  I walked the dogs, did some minor things around the house and watched a movie on TV.  Made supper around 9pm and did dishes.  From about 9:30 pm till 1:15 am, I have been on the internet…guess what I’ve been doing?

It start out as research for a writing project – I must say I really expected to get some ideas and then move on.   However, I got interested in what I was doing and ended up being at it for hours.  I’m not quite sure why.  It isn’t the first time this topic has consumed hours of my day  – it has happened many times before.

I started researching villas in the Hawaiian Islands.  I’ve decided to make my next mystery story happen in there and wanted to get an idea of what the homes were like.  After about an hour looking at them, I changed my focus to see what kind of homes were available in Iowa City and the surrounding area.  I probably looked at interior pictures of over 150 homes.  There are a lot of very cool homes on sale right now – wish I had about$$500,000 to $2,000,000 to invest because I found several houses in that price range that I would love to own.

Wow, if I could get published and make millions, I’d have my life all set.  I know what children I would like to adopt, I know what house here I would like to buy and which villa I would buy in the Hawaiian Islands.  I’d have no trouble finding a cabin in the mountains, I’m sure.  I’d spend winters in Hawaii, spring in Iowa, summer and fall in the mountains…sounds just perfect to me.    {sigh}

Anyone have an idea on how to get a literary agent or can recommend one? And I’d love to know who you hire to edit your manuscript for grammar and such.  I have my manuscript almost done and want to get it edited before I think about sending it to other people.  Not sure how or what I will do about the publishers and what not but a lot of places say they won’t take un-agented scripts. 

This is the manuscript that the last publishing company said I needed to change the ending of – so that is what I am finishing up.  Now, it was over three years ago that I sent it in so I know they have long forgotten about it but figured I’d resend it to them as well as other people.  It is such a long shot – I feel like I’m setting myself up for failure.  My writing is so much a part of who I am that it is very scary to send it out to strangers.  Heck, it took decades for me to share the one with my own family let alone others.  It terrifies me.

Oh well, not much I can do about my fears but try, try and try again.  Can’t keep letting it hold me back.  Maybe I will try for the next decade to be published and never make it but at least I would have tried.  If I’m not published by the time I’m 75 years old, then I’ll give it up.