The Scoop

So here is today’s scoop.  The dispatcher that we all wanted to quit, quit.  This means that, unless management decides differently, I will be moving to days and one of the other dispatchers will be moving into my slot.  That will leave one opening that they aren’t sure they are going to let us fill due to budget cuts.

The good news for me is that I won’t have to work nights anymore.  My new schedule will be 7am-7pm Saturday and Sunday – 11am-7pm Mon &Tues.  I will still have Wed-Fri off.  This schedule will have many good things about it – I will learn more as a dispatcher, I will be more involved in dispatch and I won’t have to work the shift I don’t want anymore.  I will get more sleep, have off the nights to watch my tv programs, etc.  I don’t know when I would go to the new schedule – Admin will have to figure that out on Monday.  I have to officially “bid” for it but as I am senior employee over the others who would consider it, it is pretty much mine.  Then my old job has to be put up for bid and only my newest coworker wants it.  Maybe they will get this all done by next weekend but who knows for sure?

I had soup with my son earlier, then met one of my coworkers for drinks from 6-9pm.  Got home about 9:30pm and talked to another coworker until 11:30 on the phone.  Needless to say, I’m rather talked out.  In fact, my throat hurts from talking so much and I started to lose my voice there in the end.

Anyway, I’m excited about the change – a little apprehensive about it but if it doesn’t work out, I can always go for a different shift next time one is open.  The rate we are going – it is about every year or so.

Sleepwalking Again

Sometimes I feel like I am sleepwalking through life.  I know most of you know what I’m talking about – I’m not putting forth any real effort to make life better or worse.  I’m floating down the middle of the river without a care which might sound ok but in reality, it isn’t.  Life is too short to be passive.  When did I go from Rogerramjet to passive? I don’t remember but I think it started back when I had that car accident ten years ago. 

Besides being painful, it was a very scary thing that galvanized the knowledge that I wasn’t indestructible.  It also made me ask myself if something happened to me, what would happen to my son? So I started working at being more “safe” and somewhere along the way lost my passion and perspective…neither is a good thing to lose.

Today I looked myself in the mirror and had to admit, I don’t like the person I see peering back at me.  I don’t like my hairstyle or color; don’t like my face looking splotchy; don’t like how fat my cheeks look; don’t like the turkey neck I’m getting; don’t like my body as a whole because I’m out of shape and way overweight; and I don’t like my clothes either. 

But beyond appearances, I also don’t like that I sit on the sidelines a lot for fear of being hurt again – physically and emotionally.  I look at the task of fixing myself and loath that the first thought out of my head is “this is impossible” because I’m defeating myself before I even start. 

I hate that I let the fear of failure stop me from trying to be published and possibly bettering not only my life but also my son’s.  I look at children I want so badly to adopt but have no idea how to get to the point to be considered.  Yes, I know the paperwork part but seriously feel I better have my shit together before bringing children home to live with me – especially children who have had other adults in their lives who let them down.

I keep telling myself it is TIME to start making changes but often the thought goes right out of my head several minutes later and I forget I was even considering it.  It is like I’m drifting along in an inner tube, poke my head up to see a waterfall coming and thinking I should get out of the water, only to be distracted by a stick floating alongside me to the point that the waterfall is totally forgotten.  Eventually, I’m going to arrive at that damn waterfall and I’m going to be wondering why I didn’t see it in the distance.

Tonight I’m sitting here again, seeing that waterfall, thinking about what I should be doing.  It is frustrating yet also a bit exciting to think about changing…oh, my pizza is done.

Kind of Strange

I was told by someone recently that it is a little strange and surprising that I have never contemplated suicide.  Not that I have a reason to but these thoughts do seem to cross most depressed people’s minds now and then.  But not mine.

I have a favorite quote from Agatha Cristie that I think sums up the way I have always viewed life:

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.

How can one argue with this? Yes, I get very depressed sometimes – my whole family is prone to it.  Yes, I have been so depressed I didn’t want to move off the couch, didn’t want to go outside, pretty much sat catatonic for hours – but never once did suicide enter my mind as an answer. 

I understand how some people see suicide as the answer when they are in a situation they can’t see their way out of or how they are in a miserable plight that looks like it will continue for the rest of their life.  I don’t hand out the platitudes when I talk to these people because I know they are in a very dark place and all those stupid pat answers only add to their darkness. 

But for myself, when the darkness surrounds me, I always know the sun will rise again – that depression is like the tide, it ebbs and flows.  My son and I have a saying when the going gets tough “We are Jackson’s, we can get through anything” which, to us, means that whatever we are going through is just a “thing” and things have a way of changing every moment of every day. 

Is that unusual? I love life – I celebrate life and nothing about death appeals to me.  Nothing.

Dogs at the Dog Park

There were several dogs at the dog park today.  We started off in the small dog pen so Baxter could get all his long distance running in without me having to worry about him interacting with the larger dogs.  Bennie is afraid of the bigger dogs so that isn’t a problem with him – he stays relatively close. 

A Boston Terrier arrived shortly after we did so the boys ran around it for a few minutes but it was obvious that he wasn’t a very social dog so they took off to run the fence line together.  It is a huge pen so running around once gives them quite a workout and they usually go around two or three times before they are too pooped to go again.  As they were running, a friendly Pug joined the group so they had a blast running around the pen together.  It is amazing how they can entertain themselves.  The woman with the Pug had squeaky toys for it to play with but it ignored them all in favor of running around.  The Boston stayed close to its owners – playing fetch with a little squeaky ball.

Bennie does not care for squeaky toys  – the noise startles him.  Once their playmate left, I took the boys out to drink some water and then into the big pen.  This was the first time I ever let them off their leash in the big pen so I was a bit concerned how Baxter would do but he was just fine.  He ran all over that pen, which is even bigger than the other one, sniffing every dog that he could.  None of the big dogs were much in the playing mood which I found disappointing but I suppose it was too hot – several of them went into the pond to swim but as Bennie still has his staples in, I wouldn’t let mine though both of them wanted to.

As Baxter and Bennie were flying here and there on their short little legs, I got to thinking about life and how it is so much like the ocean.  A person can have smooth sailing for days – everything is peachy, sun is sunny, sky is blue, etc.   You know that under the calm surface there are monsters prowling around but they don’t bother you so you figure you won’t bother them.  You decide to jump off the boat for a quick swim and get caught in a rip tide you didn’t know was there and pulled down to those monsters waiting to devour you and just when you think it can’t get any worse, it gets better.  The rip tide releases you, the monsters go away and life becomes calm again as you climb back on your sailboat to sail on the glassy surface. 

There are times when the waves come up higher than your boat and splash down soaking you.  It was not your choice to have these waves but forces outside your control brought them on so all you can do is deal.  You batten down the hatches, turn your nose into the wind and ride it out the best you can.  Someday your vessel will crash onto the rocks and be sink as all vessels eventually do, but until then you will keep on sailing into that sunset often not knowing where you are going or where the tides will take you. 

Right now I’m bogged down in barnacles but one day soon I’ll get them scraped off so that my sailboat is sleek and lean again. 

Tigers at the Brink

Tigers have long been a favorite big cat of mine – they are graceful, stunning and firmly on their way to extinction.  Of the eight subspecies of tigers, three have met with total extinction in my life time. This knowledge grieves me greatly.  I will never understand the human races need to destroy everything in its path in an effort to grind the environment to meet our needs rather than vice versa.

All tigers are on the endangered species list according to C.I.T.E.S (Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species).  The tiger is currently the MOST endangered animal in the world – so much so that the entire species may die out before our young children reach middle age.  How could we let this happen? Seriously, how can we live our lives every day not understanding how just about everything we do impacts the environment and the animals that live within it?

Below is the reported findings of the International Union for the Conservation of Nature and Natural Resources that summarizes the current status of my beloved felines.

Caspian Tigers: Became extinct in the early 1970’s.  As there are no specimens in captivity, this species has truly been wiped off the face of the earth.

Balinese Tigers: Became extinct in the mid 1970’s.  Again, as there are none in captivity, these beauties are also lost to us.

Javan Tiger: Became extinct in the early 1980’s.  Again, none are in captivity.  These three tigers will never again walk the earth or bask in the sunshine.

Sumatran Tigers: in critical danger.  There are no more than 250 tigers in the wild with their numbers declining each year.  Of the 250 tigers, there are less than 50 reproductive adults left.  Currently there are approximately 250 animals in captivity.

South China Tiger: in critical danger/pre-extinction.  Currently there are about 20 to 80 tigers left in the wild.  There are about 40 more in captivity.  Experts fear that there are not enough of these animals left to repopulate the species no matter how hard they try.  All efforts to save this animal came too little, too late. 

Siberian Tigers – in critical danger.  Less than 200 tigers remain in their natural habitat.  Only 20% of these live in a protected area making the other 80% susceptible to poaching and human encroachment.  There are approximately 1000 animals in captivity.

Indochinese Tigers: threatened.  Current figures believe there are 1200-1700 still roaming their territory.  As their habitat continues to be threatened by humans, their numbers are steadily declining.  There are about 60 tigers in captivity.

Bengal Tiger: In danger.  The Bengal has the largest population of tigers in the wild with 3,000 to 4,000.  Of those numbers, there are 2500 reproductive adults.  However, each year their numbers are declining.  There are some 350 tigers in captivity.

If we do not act now, my beloved tigers will not survive.  We must find a way, globally, to become more in tune with nature and how our behavior is destroying way more than we think.  We can no longer afford a cavalier attitude about anything and must extremely change our attitude if we are to save these exquisite creatures.  Please support conservation and the organizations that fight to save what precious little we have left.  Every little bit helps – each person can make a difference.  If every human donated $1, think of all the good that could be done for our environment!

There are many organizations working feverishly to bring animals back from the brink – a simple internet search and a little research can help you decide which one you would like your money to go to.  If you do not wish to take the time to find one, I would suggest WWF (World Wildlife Fund) as they have over 45 years of experience and work with over 100 countries in the battle to save many species, including the tigers.  You may find them at http://www.worldwildlife.org/

Liquor Laws

I have another complaint – might as well just get it out in the open because it is going to fester otherwise.  No doubt the conservative state of Iowa thinks it is really doing everyone a great service with this stupid law but I find it asinine. 

When I got off work at 3am I was coughing and feeling like crap.  On my way home I had the great idea of stopping at HyVee for some Corona – maybe alcohol would kill whatever this virus is that is knocking me on my ass.  I have Busch Light at home but, and I apologize to all you Busch drinkers, I think it tastes like crap.  Corona or Miller Light is about the only beer I can tolerate – well, and St Paulie Girl if they still make that and a beer that comes in a little bottle with red on the label…Red Stripe…is that a beer? I don’t know, I haven’t drank it in years – not since Gary and I broke up.

So I grab a few other things while I’m at HyVee – doggie treats and orange juice…that sort of thing.  As I go to check out the clerk informs me that according to Iowa law, one can not purchase beer between the hours of 2am to 7am – Monday thru Saturday.  Now isn’t that the stupidest thing ever?

Let me explain – last call at the bar is 1:20 to 1:30 am – they start kicking people out around 1:30.  The object of the law is that they don’t want the already drunk people leaving the bars to go get beer to continue drinking.  Another one of those “we have to save people from themselves” laws that irritate me.  Anyway, it is stupid because the people all leave the bar about 1:30 am so it gives them time to get to the nearest store to buy beer before they head home anyway.  If the law was going to even attempt to be effective – they should stop selling it at midnight.

What also irritates me is that, for the conscientious person like myself who would never drive home with an open container, I am also inconvenienced by this ridiculous law as I don’t get out till 3 am.  I know, it makes me have to plan ahead but I so very rarely want a beer that it didn’t come up until tonight.  Normally I buy it when I buy groceries but this last time I bought groceries on a Sunday and GOD FORBID anyone  be allowed to buy beer on a Sunday morning…another law I find antiquated and incredibly laughable.

So there you have it – another beef I have with living in the state of Iowa.

About Me

Today for just a moment I felt like I was really on to something.  I felt like I was right there, on the verge of a great enlightenment but it just won’t come forth and I don’t know why.  Maybe I’m trying to hard.  Do you ever have that feeling like there is something your subconscious wants to bring forward but it just stops short of reaching your consciousness? If I could only get past the last barrier in my brain, I know whatever this is would greatly enrich my life but I can’t.  The knowledge is knocking and I can’t figure out how to open the door because it requires a combination that I have forgotten.  It is so irritating.

I do believe it has something to do with nature, night sounds, and my writing…ugh.  It tries to seep in under the door but it just can’t quite make it to me.  Something is changing inside me – I can feel it but I can’t quite put my finger on it.  Maybe when I go to sleep tonight it will find its way through the door.  Whatever it is has the power to change my life – damn. 

It started earlier today actually.  I went into town to have soup and coffee with my son.  I remember thinking everything in life is perfect when my son is near me.  He makes me laugh and is such a super guy.  We were talking about a movie called “Life Without People” done by National Geographic on how the world would recover if humans were suddenly absent from Earth.  He has seen the movie – I have not but I checked it out from the library before picking him up which is how the topic came up.  He watches a lot of documentaries and things from the History channel.   But as we were talking, an itch started in my brain.

After leaving him I went to Barnes and Nobel where I picked up three more books for myself and one for my sister.  For her I bought Nicholas Sparks new book “The Last Song” which sounds like it would be pretty good – I will have to borrow it for her when she is done with it.  I like Nicholas Sparks – his writing is so eloquent.

For myself I bought: Homer’s Odyssey by Gwen Cooper.  It is about a cat who had to have its eyes removed when it was just a kitten.  The owner of the cat has two other cats  and is amazed at how well the blind cat interacts with his environment.  I’m looking forward to reading it – I’ve heard really good things.  The second book I bought for myself is “Hope for Animals and Their World” by Jane Goodall – it is about several species that were on the endangered list and how environmentalists worked to bring them back from the brink.  The third book is “A Big Little Life” by Dean Koontz – it is all about his dog Trixie and how much she influenced his life.  It is going to be a tear jerker even though it says right on the flap that she is dead now so I go into the story knowing that.

As I looked at these books in the bookstore, I felt an inkling of something but I couldn’t put my finger on it so I decided to put it on the back burner because I was going to the movie “All About Steve” with Sandra Bullock.  Throughout the movie I had the immense feeling that there was a message there I wasn’t getting.  Sandra’s character “Mary” is a very smart person who is made to feel abnormal by those “normals” around her.  As she strives to prove that she is normal, she realizes that “normal” is a relative word so what she really needed was to find other people who were as normal as she was.  It was a good movie – it made me laugh. 

I was struck by how it is so true that society as a whole pushes what it thinks is normal and acceptable on us all and most of us just accept it’s narrow-mindedness.  Why do we do that? At first I thought this was the thought…the thing my subconscious was trying to tell me but as I drove home I realized it was only one piece of the puzzle.

When I got home I took the dogs out for a walk and as I listened to the night sounds, I knew there was so much more to this epiphany if only I could will it forth.  I closed my eyes and imagined myself out in the country with only the sounds around me – how awesome that would be.

I don’t know but I have been mulling this over now for about five hours so I guess it is time to give my brain a break.  Whatever it is, I can not force it – it must be gently coaxed.  {sigh}

Wow

I got off at 3am but sat around visiting with my replacement until 4am.  Came home and walked the dogs – wrote a post and just glanced at the clock at it is already 5:30 am…where did the time go?  I just don’t know.  I should be asleep but here I am wide awake.  I have hiccups – why, I don’t know.

I do plan on going to bed here pretty quickly because my eyes are starting to burn from being tired.  The movie I want to see is shortly after 4pm so will consider doing that.  My son is off tomorrow but I expect he will want to spend time with his new girl, Beth.  She isn’t officially his girlfriend yet but I’m sure that is how it will go – in fact, I have a very good feeling about this one…I think she might be “the one” – they have known each other most of their lives so that is a big plus.  Of course I’m way jumping the gun because they just barely started seeing if they were compatible enough to date but I can’t help it.  They are the same age and both are at a place in their lives where they are thinking about family and children so who knows?

There seems to be a lot on my mind this morning.  I spent quite a lot of time earlier looking for a hotel around the Omaha zoo.  I was thinking I might go over there and spend the night one night – I would like to see the zoo.  I would like to go to the Minneapolis one again too but doubt I’ll get up there anytime soon.  Not sure about hotels, there seem to be a lot around the zoo area but most have low recommendations from others who have stayed there which makes me hesitant to consider it.  It also seems like a long way to drive to see a zoo…I wish we had a big one close by.  But if I made it an overnight thing than it would be a mini-vacation which would be nice.  I was looking for one that allowed dogs too though I don’t know what they would be like if  they were stuck in the hotel room all day.  I know they can’t go to the zoo.

I thought about going elsewhere – I would like to do the Wisconsin/Michigan loop but it would take at least two nights to do it and cost a lot more money.  I have wanted to do that all year – every since one of my coworker’s told me about it this past winter.  The fall would be a great time to go because the trees would be pretty awesome but I don’t know if I will get to do it this year.  I have a week long class next month and a one day class in November to go to…would have to schedule stuff around those.  I wouldn’t go past the middle of October though – wouldn’t want to risk bad weather plus the leaves would probably all be on the ground by then.

Usually it is getting light around this time…when do we turn clocks back again? Oh…we did that already didn’t we? Can never keep it in my brain – it is a good thing my sister reminds me each time or I’d totally blow it off.  Oh, I had soup at Panera earlier – it was quite good.  I wonder what soup the one in the mall will have tomorrow…or if they even serve soup there.

I will be going to the mall to go to a movie if I go – the movie is only at that theater.  The movie was number 3 at the box office this week – I’m not sure if that is good or not but I think it looks cute – I like Sandra Bullock.

Larry King Live had the interview with Denise’s husband on tonight.  It made me cry.  I was very grateful that he mentioned in there that he knew we did all we could do at the SSO.  I was afraid he blamed us for not being able to save his wife but he didn’t.  Seeing pictures of her with her children – it was so sad.  He said they are assuming that he picked her out while she was out on the back porch trimming the children’s hair – but of course they will never know for sure unless Michael King explains his actions which doesn’t seem likely.  Maybe on his deathbed but I doubt it.

Hope everyone has a great Wednesday!

Hot

Just took the boys out for a walk.  We walked our winter route so they can start getting use to it again as we didn’t walk it at all this summer.  Bennie decided it was too long to do in one jaunt so laid down in the shade of an oak tree and refused to move for several minutes.  Man, it was hot out there in the sun.  Not burn your feet hot like summer but still damn hot.  I LOVE that I can go barefoot here in Iowa rather than having to worry about fire ants.  Of course, one still has to worry about those little plants in the grass that have prickly thorns because those hurt like hell when you accidently step on them.  So far I’ve been lucky and have missed them altogether.

It is 3:30 and I’m thinking I will go into town early tonight for my bowl of soup that I couldn’t get last night.  I’m going to take my laptop to work so hopefully no one will get upset over that.  Actually, I’m afraid to take my laptop anywhere because I’m afraid I’ll drop it or someone will steal it.  I know this is being a bit irrational but I have waited YEARS to get one and it wasn’t cheap so hate to risk it.  But I might work on my story more if I had it with me rather than a pen and paper.  A laptop you can close quickly if someone walks in whereas a pen and paper you have to put in your bag which is never close by.  I know…lame.

I have another beef today.  I ordered books and stuff online and don’t understand why it is going to take so long to get them.  What is up with this 5-7 days when I use to get stuff in three easily? I pay for express shipping – isn’t that suppose to be faster than regular mail??? It irritates me.  I haven’t seen a UPS or FedEx truck in our complex for over a week and I know people are ordering stuff.

The book I checked out from the library is due back soon so I best get it read.  Maybe when I get off at 3am I will start it so I can be finished by 11am or so.  Course, I need to sleep in there sometime and I do want to go to a movie because I think it is leaving on Friday.  Thursday my son is off work so maybe…just maybe…we can go to a movie together but he won’t want to see the one I do.  That isn’t to say we’d go to one I didn’t want to see – there are a couple out and we’d pick a mutual one.  It is his turn to decide on one as I picked Julie and Julia.

Actually, what I should do is stay up long enough to get the house cleaned in the morning because it is soooo filthy.  I hate it and yet I don’t feel like taking the two hours it will take to clean it on days I have to work – would rather wait till my days off.  I need to get my car in for an oil change and stuff this week too.  Normally I would take it to Jiffy Lube but might not this time – though I’m sure I could get right in at the one on the strip.

Well, need to do a few things before I get ready to go into town.  My son had to go into work early tonight so won’t be meeting him for soup.

Books and Music

Well, it has been a busy day.  The best part was seeing my sister and then going to Barnes and Nobel with her.  I’m afraid I spent way too much money but everything I bought was on sale…that justifies it.

I did get one book of fiction – John Sandford’s “Dark of the Moon” – otherwise I got a book called “The Accidental Vegetarian”; one called “Lions and Tigers”; one called “Whales and Dolphins”; another one “Spirit of the Rainforest”; and, lastly the whole reason for going to B&N, “Dao of Pooh” in hardbound.  I use to have the latter but I loaned it to someone or gave it away…not sure which.

OK, I am not saying I am a Taoist but I do believe this book is fantastic in helping one contemplate their place in this world.  I read it several times a year – I have it in paperback but it was getting tattered so decided to repurchase it in hardbound again.  It isn’t for everyone but both my son and I enjoyed it and try to practice what it teaches about appreciating Mother Nature and the rhythm of life.  I highly recommend it if you haven’t read it.

I ordered the companion book “Te of Piglet” which is also good but I like the first one best – I’m partial to Winnie the Pooh. 

The book on lions and tigers is, obviously, about the big cats of the world – their habits, etc.   I bet you guessed that the book about whales and dolphins is the same type and you’d be right.  The pictures in both these books are eye-catching.

Spirit of the Rainforest is, yes, all about the rain forest.  I have always been intrigued by the rainforest and this book looks to have a lot of information for me to delve into.  Again, the pictures are awesome.  Yes, it covers the bugs of the rain forest too and while they give me the creepy crawlies, I still want to know about them and their part in the cycle of life.  It is a very big book – meant for a coffee table – which means I will have to hurry up and buy something to display it on. 

I wish I could spend all my time traveling to see the many wonders of this earth.  In the United States there are so many things for me to see yet but I also would like to go abroad.  Wouldn’t it be cool to see a Komodo Dragon in it’s natural habitat? Or go on a photo safari of Africa? I would love to see not only the pyramids of Egypt but also of the Mayans in Central America.  I’d love to see the mountains where Sound of Music was filmed and check out my Germain ancestry with a trip to Germany…  I could go on and on but it doesn’t do much good to wish.  Still, I continue to read up on these things just in case I ever do get to go.