End of the Holiday

Today has been a fun day here at my sisters - watching her four kids, now all grown up, interact and joke around really made me smile - they turned out to be amazing adults. It seems like they were little not so long ago but here they are, getting married and all. I hadn’t been around all of them together since being back in Iowa so it was fun. They played volleyball and really made us laugh a lot. It seems I’ve laughed a lot yesterday and today - it is good for the soul.

 

I think I got too much sun today as I’m getting a headache and my head feels hot. Probably sunburnt. It was, of course, worth it but decided to come in for awhile to cool down - plus the bugs were bad.

People are breaking out the food again for supper. I ate a ton of potato salad and baked beans. My sister went all out, as she usually does, and had several different kinds of pie as well. I was looking for the hotdogs but couldn’t find them so will have to try again. My sister’s husband grilled them just the way I like them - extra crispy. I drank one beer and a lot of lemonade…not together of course. LOL

The kids talk about going off to do things this evening - watch fireworks and what not. I told my sister she should go to a movie with her husband but they are babysitting so will probably have to wait until Sunday to go. My son said him and his girlfriend would try to come down to Wall-e on Sunday too so that would be nice.

A Mother’s Love

Years ago, when my son was a teenager, he was dating this most wonderful young lady.  He adored her and she adored him.  They made such a pretty pair, I always thought they’d be together.  But that wasn’t meant to be. 

As many teenagers do with their first young love, my son screwed it up and they broke up.  I don’t blame him - he was young and all these girls were throwing themselves at him.  He had just discovered sex and, being a guy, didn’t know how good he had it until he threw it all away.

As the years went on, he thought many times about calling her - maybe getting together as friends to see how things went.  However, she had gone on to college and she came from a good family much higher on the social scale, so he decided she deserved better then him.  He was someone who battled authority and got into trouble with the law - trying to live up to that “gangsta” image so big in all the rap songs.  She was responsible, bubbly, and a good girl.

Still, I have tried to convince him over the years to contact her but we didn’t know where she lived and her phone was unlisted.  Chances were very good that her parents would never give up the information as he felt they hadn’t really liked him anyway.  So he did nothing - waiting for fate to handle the situation.

Fate did too.  She just married another.  When he got the news, my son was upset.  He didn’t think the man she married deserved her any more then he did.  It put a solid end to that chapter in his life.  We talked about her and how stupid he was for letting her go but no use flogging a dead horse.

I emailed this woman, she is a beautiful woman now, after she had emailed my son a few days ago to tell him she was married.  She found him on “myspace.”  It is ironic, isn’t it that they finally make contact only it is too late to change their fate? She emailed me back and I detected a note of wishing that things were different.  Ok, it was more then a note.  She said she would always love my son and had gotten married because her father had a stroke and she was afraid he would die soon and he wanted to see his daughter get married.  I know she loves the guy she married but might not be “in love” with him.

Still, it a moot point now.  She is married and the cast has been set.  As much as I want to tell my son what she said - or show him her email - I don’t think that I can because it isn’t fair to him or to the woman he is currently dating.  I know he loves the girl he is dating now but am not sure he is “in love” with her…which is a big deal to me but he seems to think a compatible love is less emotionally exhausting.

I just want him to be happy…truly happy. 

 

Talking on the Phone

Was talking to my son this evening. He said he’d call me back in 45 minutes - that was three hours ago. We really didn’t have much more to talk about anyway but it is always good to hear his voice.

He was amused at how anxious I am to get moving back now that I have made the decision to do so. I would move tomorrow if I could. We talked about how we couldn’t wait to go to movies together and do a lot of the stuff we use to do. I sure miss him.

I would love to move into a house when I do move up there. It could be a little out in the country - I wouldn’t mind. I hate the idea of going back being just as poor and unsettled as when I left seven years ago. Seems like I should have more on the ball then I do.

I worry about finding a good job - sounds like everywhere is having hiring freezes and so on. Don’t like that at all. The City is combining all their dispatch centers - city, county and universtiy - so they won’t have any openings for quite some time. Did I mention that already - probably did but it has been on my mind a lot tonight. Where will I work?

Well, anyway, guess it is time for bed tonight. It is 2:30 am.

Love? Really?

When I was talking to Susan the other day, she wanted to know why I had yet to marry or even be engaged. She thought that was a little odd for a 44 year old woman.

I told her that I see what goes on around me and figure, why put myself through that? My Mom was married five times, everyone in my family has been married at least once, many of my friends/family are going through breakups, my son was devastated here two years ago when he and his girlfriend of six years broke up…don’t see a big plus side to love and/or marriage.

My brother, of course, would disagree because he has found a woman who “rocks his world” - I have to admit, I’ve never found someone that moved me the way she moves him. His daughter is going through a painful breakup right now though so maybe she’d agree more with me?

Someone once said “to love and feel loss is better then never to have loved at all” or something along those lines. I’m afraid I have to disagree. I say “learn from other people’s experiences & save yourself a lot of heartache.”

One More Post Tonight

I read the book “Mother Teresa - In My Own Words” tonight at work. It was a compilation of words of wisdom Mother Teresa either said or wrote on many aspects of life.

Her life was so large - reaching from Calcutta to America to around the world. She believed that Jesus was in every afflicted person and, as the bible states, she could not turn away a single person in need for it would be like turning away the Savior himself.

Each day she did what must be done - without questioning the Lord on why it should be the way that it was. She didn’t end her nights praying for things for herself - she had no belongings to speak of and gladly gave whatever of herself that she could.

This woman worked with lepers, AIDS victims, starving, diseased, wounded, and discarded people all around the world. She felt no one should die alone or undignified so she had a place where the terminally ill were cared for by other nuns. She would see children that had been abandoned in the streets, starving to death, and take them home which lead to a place just for them. This woman touched so many lives.

She said in one quote that it is the people who feel so alone that get overlooked because on the outside, they seem to have everything but inside they are broken. She said their poverty was loneliness.

I often saw blurbs about her in the news while growing up but I never begun to realize the multitudes she helped - all the while never asking for anything for herself save the courage, each day, to do whatever Jesus asked with a smile on her face.

Reading the book made me want to come home and sort through all the things I have been holding onto as if they are of worth - and give them away. It also made me feel very ashamed. These people survive on bread or a handful of rice each day - and here I am, a person in a country with so much abundance that we throw out more food each day then they eat in a week.

The personal life, deeply lived, takes you beyond the personal…and reaches universality. –Anais Nin

My Youngest Sister and Her Husband

I have been in a conversation with my youngest sister via instant messaging for over an hour now. Her farm has sold and her family is trying to decide what they will do. In talking to her, I started thinking about something that I wanted to write a post about.

Both her and her husband have always had a heart for the Lord. He was the first person to give me a bible and several members of our family started going to a local church because both of them went there. It isn’t that we just “started” going to a “church” - it was that most of us found our way back to God.

Over the course of the years, they both have been kind of a spiritual compass for the family. My sister said that they shouldn’t be our standard - I told her no, but they could be our example. Everyone needs examples to model their life after. I would rather it be a Godly couple then a basketball star.

I don’t think my sister has ever fully understood or been able to appreciate her worth or how others were impacted by things she did and continues to do. It is said that at the pearly gates of Heaven, you won’t be greeted only by family but by everyone your life touched - even if you didn’t know you touched them. I think she will be very surprised when that day comes for there will be multitudes of people waiting for her.

I remember her husband being so into missions and wanting to make a difference in the world. She said he still thinks about it but feels he is too old now to take on something like that. He should have been a minister - he would have been a good one and she would make a good minister’s wife.

She is afraid, also, that many of these countries that missions go to don’t have adequate medical services and are teeming with bugs and snakes. I can’t say I blame her - I know she is going on 43 and doesn’t want to have to deal with those kinds of things.

She said she has encouraged him to go on short missions by himself or to take one of their boys but he wants her to go as well. There are missions that last one week and missions that last longer. Maybe if they both went on one as a family, they could see if it is something they would like to pursue.

I know that some areas of her life have not worked out the way she planned. She had to sacrifice a lot of her desires to live the life she has lived. I know I don’t know what is best for their lives or where they should go. But I feel that unless they give it over to God, they will not end up where they belong.

Words in Red

Since hearing a song about paying more attention to what’s written in red - I have been reading my bible more. I’ve always had my favorite chapters - Matthew, of course, and 1 & 2nd Peter, Romans, 1 Corinthains and Ephesians. Lately I’ve been just reading what Jesus said because face it, He had a lot of great things to say!

You would think that, at 44 years of age, I’d be more “solid” in my religious convictions by now. You wouldn’t be the first to tell me I seem to see-saw back and forth where this topic is concerned.

But let me tell you the things I know to be true:

God is love - He loves me despite my flawed persona. When nothing else makes sense, I can rest in that knowledge.

Sin dwells within me - I will never be perfect here on earth. No matter how good or righteous any person acts, they are not without sin. I remind myself of that fact when I start comparing myself to those who seem holier then me.

I have cried out to the Lord in utter despair, feeling like my heart was being wrenched from my chest, and He has always comforted me. He is on call 24/7 for one never knows when the abyss will try to pull you in.

I am willing to accept things on faith now that I’m older. I have learned the true meaning of “faith”. I use to be a rebel - a doubting Thomas, a Gideon - for I wanted to be shown tangible signs. I questioned everything priests, reverends, deacons, and ministers said - always wanting them to “show me proof”.

God is in control. I grapple with Him less and less for control over situations in my life. I am more able to rest in Him and let Him reign.

Most of you don’t know me personally. When I was a child, my faith was so strong - I knew without a doubt that Jesus loved me. Even well into my teens I knew God was there, my constant companion.

As tough as I tried to appear to everyone through the rough years of my life - I was actually rather fragile. Someone who was reverred by the church as a godly man put stumbling blocks rather then spiritual stepping stones in my path and for awhile I was lost.

When you see a young person who acts indifferent and uncaring - don’t be fooled, for that person is really saying that they feel a bit lost and vulnerable. They want help but past times of having that “help” turn into something cruel or depraved, makes them afraid and unsure of who to trust.

So yes, I have struggled with my spiritual walk. As a human, I will continue to struggle and fall short. But as a child of God, I can rest knowing that I am fully known and loved by Him.

1 Corinthians 13:12-13 - For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13:But now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of this is love.

Counting My Many Blessings

The biggest lesson I’ve learned… was that if you have all the fresh water you want to drink and all the food you want to eat, you ought never to complain about anything. –Eddie Rickenbacker

I’m counting my blessings before I go to sleep tonight. I know that I am a blessed person who is content more then most. Doesn’t mean I don’t want things but I know how to unplug from the rat race to appreciate the basics of life - something I think only content people really know how to do.

My son is my first and foremost blessing. While it is hard for me to think of him as anything other then my baby boy, he has grown into a fine man. I am also blessed that he was not hurt in the car accident he was in yesterday. I am blessed that he looks not to material things to make him happy - that he realizes “things” only get you so far - that integrity and values are foremost.

I am blessed with a family that can bicker like a bunch of hens in a henhouse but will always be there for each other. I am blessed to be a part of it as it continues to grow in numbers.

I am blessed because I can pretty much pay my bills and that my job provides me with health insurance. The job provides the other things in my life but it is not my focus or my center. As in the lessons of the five balls - work is the rubber ball and the others are all glass.

I am blessed that I have no diseases or de-habilitating illness. I know I need to work on being healthier and am happy that I have the ability to work towards that goal.

I am blessed that I live in a country that has such compassion and is so generous. At work we take up collections by holding raffles, bake offs or whatever is needed to help a fallen or sick comrade. What we have left over at Christmas goes to someone who would otherwise not have happy holidays. Our country has its problems but lack of generosity or compassion is not one of them.

I feel blessed that I live in Florida. I love the salt air, the Gulf, the ocean, the tropics, etc., etc.,. I’m sure I’d feel equally blessed to live somewhere else - there is beauty everywhere.

Right now I am truly blessed because this shift is over and I get to go home!

Good night cyber pals and keep it safe out there.

Computer Dating

Was thinking about some of my coworkers who have recently met their “perfect” mate on the internet. Several used eHarmony but some used regular chat rooms. One of them got married two weeks ago - they are already expecting their first child. Another coworker is slated to get married this fall. Some are already married and swear they are blissfully happy.

I went to the eHarmony website and took their very long, but free, personality test. I didn’t like the resulting profile - it made me sound boring and unimaginative. Couldn’t imagine it would glean any good results. I certainly don’t want to date the equivalent of myself.

I’m not looking for a mate - a requirement of eHarmony. I basically wondered what the personality test would reveal. As old fashioned as it sounds, I still believe that courtship is an art not something an impersonal computer can figure out for you.

I know it can calculate out the variables that are impossible to know when you first meet someone new through traditional means - such as if they want kids, their general opinion of life. It knows, statistically, the amount someone would probably match up with others - that doesn’t mean much to me. I like working on chance and happenstance.

Nothing beats the tingly feeling a person gets when they first meet someone new - with no preconceived notions - that you are instantly attracted to. That hot flush that races through your veins - that hint of dangerous liaisons. Computers can’t give you that. You meet that person already knowing too much about them and with the idea that the computer said you’d be good together..

What about those who want someone totally opposite of themselves? If the computer bases its suggestions on what a couple has in common - what about those of us who don’t want to date the equivalent of themselves only of the opposite sex?

Yes, its suppose to also decide on how a couple compliments each others strengths and weaknesses. I suppose these coworkers are success stories so I can’t really bash the system. Guess if they last “forever” then I’ll have to take back all the ill feelings I have towards computer dating.

I just find it hard to believe that people can’t meet and fall in love the way our parents did. Like I said, I’m just too old fashioned I guess.

Moving Home

Even the slight sea breeze outside can’t keep at bay the sweltering heat. People out in it wear umbrella hats just to keep the glare out of their eyes. When I first moved here I thought it was pretentious the way some people walked down the street holding umbrellas even when it wasn’t raining - then I realized how damn hot the sun can be and how fast it dehydrates a person.

I watch from my den as the lizards scurry by looking for any scrap of shade they can find. It is too damn hot out today and it is only the first of July. Hotter days still lay before us and I fleetingly wonder why the heat is getting to me more this year then any other since moving here.

There are many more important things on my mind today as I relax in the coolness provided by my central air. The most pressing are thoughts of moving back to Iowa. I’ve made a list of things I need to do to make the move go smoothly and added a few things I’d like to do when I get there such as buy a house right away.

It doesn’t have to be a fancy house but it does need to have a few things such as a huge kitchen with modern appliances; good sized rooms; at least one fireplace but preferably two; at least three bedrooms; a huge wrap around porch that is at least screened in if not a “three season” one with windows; a fenced in back yard with a deck; a garage; and a finished basement. It has to have at least two bathrooms and I’d really like wood floors.

I figure if I must move back up there to long, cold winter days I should at least get a place I really like, right? Seems like a fair trade-off. Then I’m going to have to find a job that I like and pays well. It seems like there are so many things to think about, you know?

Now maybe I do have a good reason to work a ton of overtime - not a reason my supervisors would necessarily like though. It is going to cost a lot to get moved and get this condo ready to rent out. My head hurts.

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. –Carl Jung