Last Post for a Few Days

Just wanted to let you all know that I am at my new apartment now.  It is a lot smaller then what I remembered but oh well.  One disconcerting note when I got there was there is no refrigerator.  I left a message with the landlord so hopefully they will take care of it.  There is also no hardware for curtains or blinds so I will have to do something about that.  I don’t have the money to buy either right now so will probably buy some cheap white sheets and tack them up until I can get blinds and curtains.  Yes, this is a time when a charge card would come in handy, huh? 

I have loaded the boxes I sent to sister’s - I only have seven and I could swear I sent nine but I don’t know where else they’d be so assume I only sent seven.  I will have to check my ups slip when I find it.  That isn’t to say that I think they are at my sister’s but worry more that they got lost in shipping and I never checked them until now to make sure they were all there.  Stupid of me, I know.  All the boxes were pretty light but I thought for sure I had a couple of heavy ones too that cost me almost $30 to send - I hope they didn’t get sent back to the condo and then stolen.  Ugh.  Always something.

First thing I did when I got to the apartment was throw up - second thing I did was faint.  Don’t know what is wrong with me these days, I feel sick about as often as I feel well.  I took some Advil on an empty stomach so assume that was what caused it - that and getting overheated by carrying boxes inside and also not eating.  I grabbed a cheeseburger from MacDonald’s before coming back to load the shipped boxes and feel much better now.

As a reminder folks, I won’t have internet at all until early next month sometime.  I will do emails from work when I do work - which is Thursday-Tuesday of next week.  That means no more posts until then either but I will write some long hand so when I get to work on Thursday I can type several in.

I couldn’t sleep from 12:30 till after 4 am this morning because I was worried to death about my condo - really the first time I have done so since being up here.  I got to thinking about all the things that could go wrong with it and how I should have the air on in it, etc.  So hopefully in the next couple of months I can get down there to get it ready to be sold.  I really wish I knew someone down there who would take care of it for me but I don’t.  Oh well.

So this is my last post till Thursday night unless I get to the library to get on there, which I highly doubt.  I have unpacking and, as I said, laundry to do.  I know, you are thinking why don’t I just do it at my sister’s before I go? Because my neice is sleeping and I don’t want to disturb her because she has to work today.  The laundromat isn’t all that bad and with only one load should go fairly fast.

Thank you, everyone, for your prayers and kind thoughts during this whole moving delimma.  Hopefully I can move on mentally now to more positive things.  

 

As I was going to St Ives

Yeah, I really didn’t have a title for this blog so rather then keep struggling with it, this riddle popped in my head so I used it.  Strange, I agree.

Today is my last day “off” work for the next six days.  I actually work 3am-7am tomorrow morning - don’t ask me how that came about because I have no idea.  I will go to bed tonight but have to be up at 2 am to get to work on time.  Ugh.  Then I start working 11pm-7am Wednesday thru Friday, then 7pm to 7am on Saturday and Sunday.  My regular schedule that I hopefully will start on the end of July is 7pm-7am Sat & Sun and then 7pm-3am on Mondays and Tuesdays.  I suppose I should get on work’s email system to see if anything has changed in my absence.

Right now I’m getting ready to go into Iowa City to get a present for my nephew’s new baby girl.  I don’t really know what they need so will get them some cute stuff and hope they like it. 

I really wish I could get my life into more of a routine.  I know it won’t happen this month but hopefully next month - especially if work lets me stick to my schedule so I could plan out my month.  I’d like to get a second job for awhile - probably working mornings since I work for the University in the evenings.  I just have so many bills that I’m behind on - I hate it.  Before I moved I had every bill paid up on time but now it is more of a struggle.  There I could fill my gas tank up once every three or more weeks - here I’m filling it each week.  Even when I move to NL, I will still be spending a lot more in gas then I did.  Still, I’m not sorry I moved up here but I do miss some of my friends down South and I miss my condo.

According to the doctor’s scale, I’ve lost 18 lbs since moving up here.  I can tell my clothes are a bit baggier but think that 18 lbs is such a drop in the bucket to what I need to lose.  Of course, it is a start and I expect I’ll continue to lose as I go along.  I am not as down as I was in Florida so am not eating as much since a lot of my eating then was due to being down. 

So there you have it.  I guess I best get my butt in gear if I want to run to town quickly.  I don’t want to be gone long because I need to do laundry and want to hang the clothes out if I can find the clothes pins.  I love the smell of clothes that have been hung out versus the dryer. 

Internet’s Back

Both Internet and cable were down for a couple hours today making it impossible to be passively entertained.  I wrote in my journal and put a movie in called “Shattered” which I had seen before but not for many years - it was alright.

Right now I have “Jurassic Park” in and it is at the scene where the T-Rex is attacking the kid’s car.  At 7pm I will turn it back to cable as the movie “Supergator” is suppose to be on Sci-Fi then.  You know how I love those corny “B” movies.  I think the actors work harder in the B movies because they aren’t famous - each movie they do they are hoping someone will recognize them and they’ll make it to the big time.  Once actors are stars, a lot start thinking their shit doesn’t stink and their fans will put up with anything.  Usually the B movies have one star that was an extra in a few big name movies so as to lend some sort of authenticity to the show.

Rick, my brother-in-law, decided to go to the races tonight instead of watching his granddaughter here.  I don’t know if the child is going along or if they found someone else to watch her.  I would have watched her had they wanted me to but no one asked.  It is good he is spending bonding time with his oldest son but it makes me feel like I’m a fifth wheel in that he probably would have stayed home to enjoy a night on his own if I hadn’t been here.  I hate feeling like I’m in the way.

However, hopefully, that will change this next week and I can get moved into my own place.  I won’t have much of anything to start with but I guess that is alright.  I can buy cheap plastic plates and what not at the Dollar Store.  I have my pots and pans so at least that is something.  My younger sister gave me a glider that use to be our Mom’s so I will have something to sit in to watch TV if I can still borrow a TV from someone.  I will have to buy a DVD player because I can’t go without TV and I won’t be able to afford cable for awhile.  Don’t know what I will do about the Internet - guess I’ll have it at work or have to go to the library.

I hope I get a two bedroom apartment so I can make the second one a den.  Course, I don’t have many books anymore…it makes me very sad.  I left some books in the condo that I definitely want so hope I can get back there to get them.  My sister said she’d go down with me when I’m ready if I wanted.  I’m thinking between her, Wayne and myself, we could get a lot done.  I’m not so sure I want to sell it now and have been trying to dream up ways that I can keep it awhile longer - short of winning the lottery or getting a big raise, I’m not sure it will be possible.  Man I miss my condo.  I don’t miss Florida but I do wish I could transport my condo up here.

Oh well, such is life.  I’ve been working, as I said I would in a previous post, on how I’m going to change my life.  So far I haven’t come up with much but I do think I’m on the right track.  I promised myself when I was in Florida that living back in Iowa would be different this time.  I would explore my home state and do more fun things in it and the surrounding states.  That is still one of my goals.  I wish I had all the answers but I don’t. 

 

Another Place

Expectations.  We all have them - for our own lives and those around us.  We look out of our surroundings and decide, subconsciously, how we will react to them.  It isn’t just our surroundings but the things we must participate in such as work, family, alone time, etc.

All week I was looking forward to today…a day off.  I hate working days and it irritates me to no end that I have another week of them.  I view it, whether I’m right or wrong for doing so, as a punishment for requesting to be off training early.  The person who does scheduling could have left me on the night shift this past week but she chose to do this to me instead.  I knew she would.  I also knew it would reinforce my dislike for the job.  I have decided next time a city job is open, part-time or full time, I will put in an application.  I am not happy at the University thus far.

But what were my expectations when I moved to Iowa? I’ve already described my expectation that things would be harder then staying in Florida both financially and living quarters.  I knew it would be and I would like to say that knowing so has helped me keep a positive attitude…but I’d be lying.  How many times have I asked God to test me, to test my strength and wisdom, only to whine about it when he does?

At the end of the movie “The Edge”, Anthony Hopkins says something poetic about the tests of life never come when you think they should, but rather hit you up along side the head when you aren’t prepared.  I knew what was coming but I failed to really examine how the circumstances would effect me mentally, spiritually and emotionally.  I considered the financial aspects of it figuring the rest would just fall in line with my expectations.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed.  I’m just simply stating the fact that we have expectations but rarely do we see the full scope of what is ahead.  I’m very thankful to my son and my sister for letting me stay with them.  I just wish that I had been able to get my own apartment by now.  I wish I had planned a little better.  I am not sorry I moved.  The only thing in Florida I miss thus far is the beach.  I miss going out to sit and watch the waves come in when I’m feeling down.

But anyhoo.  Life marches on and in a few months, it will be more settled into a routine that I will probably be complaining about then as well.  I do know that I want a different job but don’t feel like I can go for that until the condo is sold.  That way I can take a pay cut if necessary…right now there is no way that I can do so unless I got a second job to make up the difference. 

Life in the 911 Lane

I really shouldn’t complain.  I tell myself that every day…but I still do, don’t I?

As of last Friday, I was officially out of training.  Course, I’m here working days anyway which I have to admit, however unwillingly, that I needed to work a few days to get a feel for what they are like.  I don’t want to work days - it costs me a lot of money for parking and what not - but I really did need the experience as last time I worked on days I wasn’t allowed to answer phones or do anything pretty much.

It seems like I often have hopes of the way something will turn out or happen  - then feel blue when it didn’t turn out the way I thought it would.  Often it ends up just fine and I always KNOW it will work out but I still spend time fretting over my expectations or the failure to meet them.

I think a lot of people probably put plans in motion and don’t account for all the things that could go wrong.  Or we do but we dismiss them as the extreme of what could happen to our plans.  When I decided to move to Iowa, for example, I knew money would be tight but I decided that I could handle whatever came my way.  I still believe that but it doesn’t stop me from feeling disappointed that things didn’t go the perfect way I had planned.

I have more to say on this subject but must stop here for now.

Exhausted Again

As my body tries to transition back to the night shift, I can’t help but think that maybe I need to find a different job.  I’m so tired of changing shifts and trying to get everything done - wouldn’t it be easier to get a job that demands less of me? Yesterday and today both, by 5 am, I have had horrible pounding headaches that make my temples throb and my eyes water.  Aren’t I getting to old for this crap?

I know I need to write more and am about to finish another book so I’ll have to write a post about that.  Just wish I wasn’t so damn tired.  My brain just doesn’t function well with this little amount of sleep.  Then to have to deal with Cindy the Bitch first thing in the morning ruins anything good I thought I accomplished over the 8 hour shift.  She never comes in with anything pleasant to say - she always has something negative to say about something I did or whatever…she doesn’t even say “Hi” before she starts in.  It goes something like this each morning:

Cindy walks in the door, puts her stuff down, looks around the room and gives a dramatic sigh.  I say “Hi” first or it doesn’t get said at all because she doesn’t acknowledge a person that way.  She may say “hi” or she may ignore the greeting altogether.  She’ll say something like “You shouldn’t be doing this or that” or “You guys are doing this all wrong” without thinking a thing about how her lack of social skills irritates everyone.  She’ll ask me a question, then talk right over me as if I weren’t answering her.  Then she’ll sigh again and say “This day is going to be so rough” in an accusatory tone as if I had done something to inconvenience her.  We have started taking bets on what she will find negative to say the next morning and both groan loudly when we see her coming.

Anyway, every time I have an encounter with her I come away asking myself the same thing - do I really want to stay in a job where I have to work with a person like that and have her as my supervisor?? It wouldn’t be so bad if I never had to see her but I’m getting the feeling that isn’t going to be the case.

Ugh.  I have to go to bed and sleep on it.

Have I mentioned recently?

Have I mentioned recently that I wish I was rich? That I wish I had the money to do the things I’d like to do…all the time? I mean, not have to live paycheck to paycheck but to always have money in the bank.  If I decided today that I wanted to drive off on an adventure to…I don’t know, maybe Arizona…I could do so without having to worry about where the money was coming from.

Or if I’m writing a story and it takes place in New Zealand and I get the hankering to see the place I’m writing about, I could just call up to book a ticket without worrying about planning it out a year in advance so I could get the time off work and save up the money for the trip.

To me, that is being rich.  I don’t need so many millions in the bank - I just want money to not be a barrier to the things I want to do.  Doesn’t that seem reasonable?

I know, why should I be given this type of life when everyone else wants the same thing? Well, not everyone.  I suppose there are a few people out there who like going to their jobs day after day and never wish to be free of the rut they are in.  They accept that this is their life and go about it without contemplating or dreaming of it being any different.  To me, that is very sad.  To them, it is very sad how I wish my life away.

I say I don’t “wish my life away” because I am still doing what they are doing - going to work everyday, paying bills and so forth.  But they would probably argue that I’m not finding a sense of joy or peace with the everyday hum drum if I keep spending my time wishing things were different.  I suppose they’d have a point.  I keep telling myself to live in the moment because those moments are what turn into years.

I look at my sister’s pictures on the walls of her kids when they were little and I think, ‘man, wasn’t that just yesterday?’ but of course it wasn’t.  The time flies by so fast.  There are only so many grains of sand in each of our hourglasses of life…the older I get, the more I want to slow the amount of sand that keeps sifting through the hourglass and out of my reach.  I want to slow down time but instead it seems to drain away even faster.

Right now I’m sitting on my sister’s couch enjoying the many different birds out there chirping out their little songs of life.  Opps, the sirens just went off so that kind of drowns them out.  It must be the first Monday of the new month and they are testing the emergency sirens - I know they are doing that at work as well right now.

Puppies

So Penny had her puppies yesterday.  She ended up with five - four boys and one female.  Of course, the fight is on for the one female that also happens to be the runt of the litter.  The males are all huge while this little female is half their size.  My son plans on keeping one and while I try to insist that, as the owner of the father who sired the puppies I get first choice, he isn’t buying into that.  I want the brown male but that, of course, is the one my son likes as well. 

There is one male who is the largest of them all - so large he got stuck being born and had to have my son pull him out into the bright new world.  He may be the one I end up taking…if I get to take any of them.  Right now I’m not sure because I don’t have a place of my own yet but I should by the first of July and wherever that is, it has to allow me to have two dogs.  I’m excited about getting a puppy. 

There is one male puppy that is totally white, one with white & brown spots, one totally brown, and one black and white one.  The female puppy is mostly black with a little bit of white around her throat.

Well, it is beautifully warm outside so I should get out there and do something.  Was suppose to do something with my sister Cyndi but she never returned my phone message so she must have gotten busy doing something else.  Tomorrow I move to my sister Marge’s house for the month of June.

Of course, as I wrote the above paragraph, my sister called me.  :-)  Maybe I’m a bit telepathic.  She hadn’t received the message I left this morning on her cell phone which is why she hadn’t called earlier.  So we are going to eat and going to the movie later.  That will work out well because my son Wayne is going out with his girlfriend tonight and I won’t have to sit home alone the whole time.

I was kind of hoping my check would be in the bank today but apparently they aren’t going to have it in until Monday or Tuesday.  Bummer.  I have one more week of 3-11pm then move to 11pm-7am for two weeks.  Then I’m on day shift for a week before going on vacation.  As our vacation has been cancelled, I will be moving into my own place that week plus going to visit my sister in LaMars, Iowa.

My younger sister, Wanda, is moving to CO in June or early July.  Isn’t that the way of it? I move back from Florida and suddenly everyone else is moving away.  LOL.  Once she gets settled then I will try to make plans to go out there to visit her - maybe before Christmas.  It would be a fast trip and not even sure work would give me more time off till Spring but would see.  Might have to go down south to get my condo sold so everything is pretty much up in the air right now.

Well, my sister and I are going to eat at Panera and then go to “Prince Caspian”.  I didn’t see the first one except for excerpts at work in Florida but it will be nice to get out to do something.  I haven’t done much of anything since being back in Iowa - mostly due to my depression but that is a whole other story. 

 

Bugs

Baxter and I went for our walk around the wetlands this morning.  It was incrediably buggy which made the trip less enjoyable then it was yesterday when the wind was stronger and the bugs less.  We have an 80% chance of rain today - hope so.

Baxter has been rather depressed lately and has started acting out more.  He growls more at the other dogs and sometimes at the kids as well.  He isn’t eating that much and just wants to lay around.  He does tussle with Rocko some each day but not as much as he did.  It is time to find another place to live.

Baxter and I will most likely go live with my sister for a month or two until we can figure out some logistics about renting her house.  It allows me to pay the taxes on my condo and get those payments up to date.  Maybe the first week of July I will drive down to Florida to get the rest of my stuff and get my condo up for sale.  It could sit on the market for awhile so would like to get a Realtor and get it all started anyway.  I’ve never sold anything so it is stressful thinking about what might be needed and what paperwork has to be done.

The kids have found a nice duplex to move into come the middle of July to August 1st.  They are very excited about it as it has a huge kitchen and a very large backyard with a patio.  They are already envisioning having their friends over for grilling out.  The yard is very important for the dogs sake.  Rocko is getting too big to be cooped up in an apartment all the time - the yard is fenced so he can go out as much as he wants.

I told them that duplexes require the renter to mow the lawn - they both frowned on that idea but I think they’ll warm up to it.  Like my son finally said, they’d have to mow the yard if they owned a place so might as well get in the practice. 

One more week of 3-11pm and then I’m back on nights - I can’t wait.  I would have sworn I’d be thrilled to be back on 3-11pm’s since I worked them for so long, but I’m not.  I hate it…absolutely hate it. 

One thing I really don’t like about this job is that they are always behind in paying out overtime.  Like I worked 21 hours of overtime in May but I won’t get it paid to me till July.  So whatever I work in July won’t be paid to me until September.  {sigh}.  Guess it is good if you know something you want to have extra money for a few months in advance…like Christmas.

Well, there you have it folks - don’t know what else to write about and I need to get ready for work here shortly.

Mother’s Day

As Mother’s Day gets into full swing, I pause to remember the women who made such a difference in my life. 

A white rose for each in hand, I drove to the cemetery where all three are spending their eternal rest.  On roads barely wide enough for an automobile, I creep along at the posted speed of 15 mph.  To my right, I pass the black angel and make a mental note to tell my older sister that she should write a post on the angel’s history - she knows it better then I do as it was put there long before I was born.

I slow to a stop at the first headstone of the three that I am visiting this lovely day.  The grave belongs to my Grandma Morely who, ironically, was the last of the three to die.  My son is with me and I repeat a tradition started back in the early 90’s.

“Grandma Morely taught me endurance and patience.” I began as I lay the rose down, “She had just about every cancer a person could have in the last thirty years of her life but she continued to fight because life was to precious to give up on.  Her optimism and desire to live her life on her terms made me realize at a young age that women could not only stand on their own, but be happy doing so.”

“I remember visiting her - she seemed so frail but strongly insisted on doing everything for herself.  She’d act insulted if I offered my arm as support while we walked around.  She would do dishes and make the bed herself even though she didn’t have a lot of strength.” My son fondly recalls.

“She had to face many things in her lifetime - including the loss of children - yet she stayed strong emotionally and lived to be 87 years old.” I conclude as we climb back into the car.

The second woman is number one as far as influences went - it is, of course, my mother’s grave.  My son waits in the car to give me the privacy I need.  I whisper “I miss you mom” and lay the rose down on her headstone.

“I remember Grandma signing to me when we’d drive places.  She loved singing ‘Old Shep’ - it always made me want a dog of my own.” My son started as I got in the car.  I nodded, trying to shrug off the sadness that has befallen me.

“She’d cook whatever I wanted whenever I stayed at her house.  I also remember her beautiful handwriting - no one writes like that anymore.” He goes on, ”It is so weird when people tell me they are spending time with their Grandma’s because mine have been gone for so long.  I envy them.”

“Mom suffered so much as a young girl.  Her father abused her which gave her no self-esteem.  She was practically afraid of her own shadow and often retreated into herself.  Later in life, she rose like the Phoenix from the rubble of her past and found happiness, independence, and confidence.  She showed me that it is never too late to change  as long as a person has breath, they can reinvent themselves.” I feel the tears welling in my eyes and quickly - faster then the 15 mph posted limit, drive to the final grave we are visiting today.

My son joins me at the graveside of his Great Grandma Hestness.  I put the rose between the headstones of her and her husband, Clarence.  “Grandma Hestness’s life showed me that I don’t want to be alone in my old age.  She sat around waiting for phone calls from her children - sometimes she had to wait a very long time.  When we did get together, she liked to play Shanghi and was quite cut throat about it.  She could - out of guilt or sympathy - get us to give her a card she needed, then go out on us all with a loud triumphant cry.” I smiled thinking about all the times I fell for her ‘poor me’ routine only to have her leave me with a fistful of cards.  She didn’t like to lose.  I learned to dislike competitive things from her.  I found it was more satisfying letting someone else take the glory - I am a background worker and content to be so.

As we leave the cemetery, my son wishes, once again, that his grandparents were still alive.  “Just think of all the things in history that they experienced first hand.” He sighs, “I wish I could visit with them to hear their stories.”

I nodded.  I have often wished the same thing.  I wish I had realized what a wealth of information they were back when I was young so I could have paid better attention…but I didn’t and now the opportunity is lost forever.