I work for four hours later – get home, sleep for five hours and go back to work for 12. Now, I’m not necessarily complaining because I know there are people out there who do this just about every day. I’m just saying, that is what I have to do.

Going to finish a few things around the apt, take a nap and then go into town to see if my son wants to go for soup and coffee. If he doesn’t, maybe I’ll go shopping instead. I still have one, maybe two, more gifts to buy for him though he continues to protest about the money I’m spending. But I have saved up for this very thing because I haven’t been able to buy presents for him for about 10 years now – always gave him money which is so boring. So this year I saved and bought the big tree so I could fill it with presents for him. Of course, a couple of the presents he couldn’t wait for Christmas for so he has those already…I’m a pushover. It would have been excruciating for him to have to wait when he went with me to pick them out and knew he was getting them. I can’t do torture so he got them early but that is alright because there is plenty more under the tree…smaller stuff but still stuff he wants.

I could not find a proper tree topper this year – I spent hours scouring the different christmas websites, so I’ve put a plush puppy dog up there. It doesn’t look right, of course, but neither did the bare top so this will do until I can find something proper. My preference would be a polar bear that lights up – but would settle for a wolf, woodland creature, or even a mermaid. Whatever it is has to have white and blue on it to match the blue, white and silver tree theme. Christmas is only 14 days away – no doubt about it, it is going to be very WHITE outside. I have lights to put on the bush outside – was going to do it on my three days off but, obviously, the weather didn’t cooperate so maybe I’ll do that next week if I can.

I will say, you definitely learn where your apartment has sealing problems when you have a wind as strong as that one was the other day. I couldn’t stand near my front door without my feet freezing and I even had it blocked with a towel. The air conditioner, though covered on the outside, also allowed in a lot of cold air…good thing the heater was working.

Have the urge to bake – not because there is anything I want to make but because I love the aroma of hot baked goods. It makes the whole apartment smell so delicious, warm and welcoming.

The dogs love the snow but not the way it gets between their paw pads.  Bennie still is afraid to go out in it to go potty so he sticks close to the front door.  He has barely any fur on his tummy so I imagine it gets cold very fast for him.  Baxter is well insulated so it doesn’t bother him much at all – at least not for several minutes.  They romp around in the plowed parts when I take them for a walk but are usually both ready to come in about the same time I am.

I think it feels like Sunday to me because I made a big meal – Mom always made big meals on Sundays for everyone to enjoy.    I made roast, mashed potatoes and steamed peas.  It was awesome.  The gravy turned out so good that I’m actually saving the leftover, much to the chagrin of the dogs who were looking forward to eating it.

Isabel still refuses to come out of the bedroom – I know it has only been a few days but I wish she would.  Once the dogs slobber all over her, they will pretty much leave her alone then.  I know, all in good time.  She does sleep with me though – her purring is hypnotic.

So none of this is what I wanted to write about today.  I want to write about a place that has called to me for years.  It is a place I have never been – I have no idea why it calls to me either – but it does.  Sometimes the call is faint and I don’t hear it for years but then, suddenly, for no apparent reason, it jumps up in my face when I least expect it.

I feel like there is something there that I need to know, to see, to touch – something that will change my perspective on life and the world.  Again, I don’t know what it could possibly be but the feeling is there anyway.  It isn’t even a desire anymore – it is a hungry need to go. 

Several times I have felt fear when this desire would overcome me.  I felt that, as much as it drew me to it, I should stay as far away as possible because whatever is there could devastate me.   Why does this place grab at me so much? I wish I knew…I really do.  I’m old enough now to put the fear in perspective – with infinite joy almost always comes infinite sorrow…they are a ying-yang – it is hard to have one without a mixture of the other. 

I have looked into trips to this place but they are all way out of my price range.  Unless I come into a lot of money, this place will stay out of my reach yet I feel a trip there is coming up in the near future – by the end of 2011. 

You are wondering what magical place could tug at me for so long – many of you think you know already but you are all wrong.  This place, as strange as it may seem, are the Galapagos.

Something is different in my brain today – I’m not sure why.  I know that sounds ominous but it isn’t.

It is very strange really.  I was listening to Bob Marley, thinking about life, and started thinking about maybe it was time to get into shape and consider dating again.  Usually that takes way more years than this.

My last boyfriend and I broke up on Fourth of July in 2004.  That is a mere five years ago.  Normally it is six to nine years between boyfriends – no reason to rush into something else, ya know?

It isn’t that it takes me that long to get over the person – god knows I’m usually well over them before we finally breakup.  It takes me that long to even consider going through the rituals of dating again.  Dating takes so much out of me…yes, I’m strange.  I have to spend time compromising, thinking of someone elses feelings on a more intimate level, giving up my personal time to spend time with someone else…etc…it is exhausting. 

So now that I’m thinking about dating again – it will take me about a year to actually get to the point of meeting someone.  I will have to work at getting back into shape, getting some stuff I need to do first out of the way, and getting myself in the correct mindset.  It is almost like taking on another job.

I don’t have any expectations of marriage or anything remotely like that.  I know I have a lot of porcupine needles for someone to deal with and I’m also not big on long-term committments…I’ve never met anyone who changed my mind about that either.

But it is strange to be thinking this way again after so many years of not.  Really am not going to rush anything – it is just a miniscule spark of a thought in a sea of thoughts.

I have that song in my head by Enya – don’t know why.  That reminds me, I need to charge my mp3 player for my trip tomorrow.  My son is also charging his AND he is bringing his laptop so that will be good.  I doubt he’ll get a wireless signal out in the country of my sister’s house but he can get one probably most of the way there.

Bennie has been driving me nuts.  I let him inside and he whines to go out – put him out and he stands at the door whining to come in…I obviously am not understanding what it is he wants.  I think he likes the idea of outside until he goes out and finds it is wet, then he wants to come back in.  I don’t want to walk them – the worms will be out again.

I’m trying to load things up for tomorrow.  It is 35 outside so I could even put the pies out in the car and they’d stay cold enough but I won’t.  I’m putting a big note on the door so I won’t walk off and forget them.  I’m suppose to take the tv and dvd player down so the boys have something to watch while the adults visit – I forgot how heavy that damn tv was.  Man I love my flat screen – even if it is smaller than my son’s.  It sure is sharp and beautiful.

Was planning on starting Christmas cards yet tonight – plus I need to finish rearranging furniture but will not mess with that since it is so late – don’t want to wake my neighbors.  Besides, I really think my patience is all used up for tonight and moving furniture is usually something that tests it when it is fully charged.  I almost always hurt my toes even though I’m wearing shoes.  Should have gased the car today – didn’t even thing about it.

When did banks stop providing envelopes at their night drop and outside ATM? That was very annoying.  I had something to deposit and had no envelope – I finally wrote my account number on the check and dumped it in the night drop – irritates me.

Have to be up by 8:30am to be on the road around 9:30 to make it to my sisters by Noon.  Will have to pick up my son and we will have to stop to get coffee somewhere and gas…preferrably at the same place to save stops.  Think I might walk the dogs and go to bed…all the rest of this stuff is going to be here waiting for me when I get home tomorrow evening.  Man, I’m exhausted.

On a cool note, my train does go around the tree, disappearing behind the presents to re-emerge on the other side.  It plays Christmas music if I want it to – I love it but I must say, it wrecks a lot! I imagine because of the carpet.  I love having a full size tree again too – it is lovely.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, world.  May each day be full of love and health!

Oh yeah, I’m actually looking better on my NaNo – think I’m about even with what I should have for today. 

I am fortunate to have a friend who can always make me laugh.  We can get together and in minutes be laughing so hard people think we are a little kooky.  We can laugh at very simple things and can change a blue day to a sunny one in a blink of an eye.  Even if we are only chatting on Facebook, we can make each other giggle like school girls. 

There is an acquaintance though that has the exact opposite effect.  She walks in the room and all the joy dries up quicker than the intake of a breath.  Everyone grows quiet, no one appears to be thrilled she has arrived and barely raises their heads to acknowledge that she is there.  She is a very negative person.

My first friend can be negative too.  We have “venting” days where we bitch about the less comical people in our lives but no matter how angry we are at the start of the venting, we are laughing by the end of it.  I have seen her angry enough to spit nails but then reins herself in and is fine again.  I don’t think anyone has seen me angry in a very long time.  It isn’t a pretty picture.

Well, I’ve spent hours typing and working on my story.  As of a few minutes ago, I am still almost 4,000 words behind BUT I am more confident I can catch up now.  The story is moving a little bit faster again but still has such a long way to go.  Part of me wishes it was done already because I’m sick of it.  I’ve never stayed this long with only one story since I wrote Siren’s Song over six years ago.  Usually I write on one until I’m bored and then go to another one – which is probably one reason I don’t have any finished or near to being finished.

The story is so very rough and unsophisticated – no way it could ever be ready to publish without major rewrites from beginning to end.  However, that wasn’t really my intention when I decided to do NaNo for the first time.  Of course it would have been great to have a story that just wrote itself like Siren’s Song did but the challenge I issued to myself was to actually get the words in and meet the deadline.  I have never had a deadline before or a set number of words – I must admit that the number of words makes me stressed but it isn’t a bad stress necessarily.  It is more feeling like I need to write and sometimes I just don’t feel like writing a damn thing. 

This contest has been good for me and hopefully will help my writing career…if I ever actually have a writing career.  I do think the writing part is looking better after this exercise but am still skeptical about the publishing part as a whole.  My first love is Siren’s Song – I suppose because it is the first full length novel I’ve ever completed.  People who have read it believe that it is publishable but I don’t know.  It would be mind-boggling to even try to figure out how to begin pursuing publishing.  I know that sounds lame but it is true.  I’ve been going through the writer’s market and the literary agent books – it is not easy to figure out what the jumping off point should be.

Where my writing is concerned, I’m too much like my mother I guess.  She never thought her writing was good enough to publish either though many of us disagreed.  I would love to have her story published – it would require a ghost writer who could follow her simple style so the reader wouldn’t see where Mom’s writing ended and the ghost writer’s began.  Not too many people want to be a ghost writer who doesn’t get any of the credit.  I would finish Mom’s book but I don’t think I could – it is a western and I honestly don’t have the interest in that genre to do hers justice.  Still, wish someone would as it would be awesome to see her name on a published book posthumously. 

Well, anyway, I need to go walk the dogs and then get to bed.  It is 12:30am and will be 1am before I can actually relax in bed so need to get moving.  Tomorrow is going to be a stressful day of training.  Training isn’t bad if the trainee and myself are alone in dispatch but tensions rise as more people get added to the mix.  Ugh.  My trainee is doing really well though so that is a big plus.

The sun is shining but every time I get excited about it, it goes back behind the clouds.  I’m hoping it will find its way to stay out here in a bit.  I need to walk the dogs and it is a much better experience if the sun is shining.   

Today I am getting the Christmas tree and stuff.  I know, I’m rushing it but I don’t care – it is the first time I’ve looked forward to Christmas in over a decade.  Why? I have no idea but I’m not going to question a good thing.  Usually Christmas makes me so depressed that I just want to hide until it is over.  This year I have to rein myself in so I don’t overdue it with silly things like lawn blow-up things and what not. 

I did buy a train set – did I post about that already? I hope it comes today or tomorrow.  It is a Christmas train set that goes around the bottom of the tree.  However, I was thinking I might put it up on a table and buy all the little Christmas village things like I use to see every Christmas at the Shell Factory.  I doubt I’ll have the money to go that far but now that I have the train, I can start collecting the village stuff cuz there is a lot of it to choose from.  I can make my very own perfect little town.

I didn’t go to bed last night until 4am but I slept in my bed so slept right through till 10am when my alarm went off.  That was awesome though I don’t think the dogs enjoyed being in the kennel.  I’m thinking I might use the outdoor leashes to leash them inside so they can still roam around but not get to the things I worry about them tearing up.  I do it now and then when I’m working on something on the floor and want to keep it out of their reach – they seem to like it fine as it still gives them a lot more movement ability than the kennel.

I need to get going I guess, the dogs are giving me their “oh sorrow” look and the sun has actually stayed out for almost a full 5 minutes!  I love the sun – it makes everything so bright (ha, ha) and cheery. 

Can’t wait to get my presents all wrapped to go under the tree.   

 On a sad note, I am so far behind on NaNo now that I don’t know if I’m going to be able to catch up.    It is hard to write when the holidays are here – should do this in October.  Maybe next year I will write it in October for November.  I’m going to try to catch up but with just about every day filled up with something between now and the end of the month, it isn’t looking promising.

I have no idea how I hurt my back but I did.  It isn’t even my lower back which is where I normally injure it.  Nope, somehow I strained the muscles in the middle of my back about 2″ below my shoulder blades.  Oh my how it hurts. 

We played out at the dog park for over an hour but didn’t do any heavy lifting or anything.  I wonder if it was when I had the boys leash shorter and they jerked so hard it half spun me around? They wanted to go chase a big dog but I hadn’t had the chance to get their leashes unsnapped before they jerked.  I know my left shoulder hurts from that too so maybe that is the problem.  I took them in the small dog pen where we were by ourselves for the most part for a while.  We ran all around the pen in hopes of tiring them out some before we went into the big dogs pen.

If they are a bit tired and have gone potty, they mind better in the big pen then they do if we go straight in there.  Baxter really wanted to go into the pond area so we went in there for the first time this year.  We were going to go before but Bennie had stitches so couldn’t.  Well, of course, Baxter goes and jumps right into the water for a quick swim.  LOL.  I thought, I guess, that since I thought it was chilly out the dogs would think so too and not want to get wet.  I forget that they have heavy-duty coats on already.

So he swam a bit and ran a bit before we went back into the big pen.  Bennie ran right up to the water but chickened out.  Every since he jumped and hit that bicycle in the stream, he is very scared of going into the water.  I didn’t realize it had bothered him as much as it did but I suppose it hurt more then he let on.  Maybe next year he will be more willing to swim again.  He use to jump right in and have a blast.  I love that they have little rescue life rings in the fenced area for people to rescue dogs that get too tired to swim back.  It is so cute.

Once we left there we went to a trail I’ve been meaning to try for the 15 months.  It says it is a 6.75 mile trail but it has many shortcuts to go on too.  My son says it goes around the water plant and over that way somewhere – it was a pretty walk.  There is a pond with little islands in it that was nice.  I bet in the spring it is filled with ducks.  The walk goes along the river and then turns inward up over hills and what not.  As I said, we cut it short – probably walking about a mile and a half.

Went to coffee with my son – my coffee tasted burnt though my son doesn’t believe that is possible.  He ended up drinking mine and saving his for later at work.  His boss bought him an espresso machine so he is looking forward to making his own lattes as soon as he buys espresso. 

Came home and have been cleaning, working on the computer, half watching the Shining, uploading my music to my laptop, and cooking supper.  I just started the latter – I haven’t eaten all day so am quite hungry.  I have a ton of work yet to do on the apt but it shouldn’t take longer than two hours.  Then I am going to sit down to develop my story for the contest and maybe do some reading. 

All in all, I must admit sleeping through the night and being up all day has put me in a much better mood then doing the opposite.  I am guessing that moving to the day shift is going to work out well – I will miss the extra $100-125 though in shift differential but I guess I’ll have to cut the budget somewhere. 

Hope everyone is having a lovely Tuesday night. 

What I need is one of those invisible dog fences at the entrance to every store so that, as I get closer and closer, I get a shock. Kind of like shark shields too. That way, every time I get near a Barnes and Nobel, Target, Best Buy, Wal-Mart, Borders, etc., I will not be able to go inside to spend money.

Today I fell victim of the last two on the list. My son asked if we could stop in at Borders (Waldenbooks) in the mall today after we ate. I said “sure” because I was positive nothing in there could sway me to use my bank card. Well, I was wrong. They had a nice selection of books for $6 plus a 20% off if you signed up for their FREE book card (why is Barnes and Nobel’s $25 a year or whatever it is now?) so how could I resist that?

I bought “The Woods” by Harlan Coben whom I have never read before but the book cover looked very good and “Pandora’s Daughter” by Iris Johansen who is an alright author in my opinion. As I was paying, the clerk told me that right next door they had their “specials” store that would be open through the holidays. This store had even more books on sale, he said. Why? Why did he have to tell me that??

So we stopped next door just to browse when my son found a book he wanted on politics so I decided I couldn’t pass up a Tess Gerritsen book also on sale for $6 called “The Mephisto Club” which I had in Florida but didn’t make the trip back with me. OK, so that is four hardbound books for $20…I can live with that.

I needed to pick up groceries so that is where Wal-Mart came in. Going there was the only thing on my list to do and I had a list I was going to stick strictly to. Actually, I did stick to the list pretty much with only a minor addition here and there like egg noodles, biscuits, and hair color. All my groceries fit in three of those tote bags I take with me. Granted, they fit a lot of stuff – using one tote easily saves three plastic bags or more – but that came to a whopping $78. I’m going to quit eating. Wal-Mart is such an evil place.

The cashier actually acted, at first, like using my totes (which they sell for ninety-nine cents) was going to be such a huge hardship on her. She frowned and sighed heavily because using them held up the line. Well, damn, I was the only person in her line so I don’t think it mattered much.

As I was driving home the sky went from sunshine to completely covered in clouds – it was like I drove into another dimension or something because the temps dropped quite a bit in minutes. We are suppose to get rain tonight so I will have to walk the dogs again before it starts.So now I am back home. There are many chores that need done and then I hope to have time to write tonight.

I probably wrote about this movie last Christmas too but oh well.  I got it from Netflix and watched it again tonight.  I’m going to have to buy it to include in my Christmas movie selection.

The movie stars Tim Allen, Jamie Lee Curtis and Dan Aykroyd.  The Kranks (Tim and Jamie) have decided that since their only child is off at the Peace Corps for the holiday season, they are going to skip their neighborhood Christmas and go on a cruise instead.  Christmas is a huge deal in their neighborhood – everyone decorates their homes to the hilt including huge 8 ft Frosty the Snowmen ornament on their roofs. 

When word gets out that the Kranks are skipping Christmas, everyone binds together to make life miserable for them as they count down to cruise day which happens to set sail on Christmas.  They finally get everyone alienated enough to leave them alone when their daughter calls.  She has decided to fly home to surprise them for Christmas and is bringing her new fiance who has never seen a “real American” Christmas.

The Kranks have to scramble to get their house decorated, food purchased, decorations up and people invited over for their annual Christmas Eve party.  Irritated neighbors decided that the real meaning of Christmas was to help their fellow man so they all end up pitching in to make it the best Christmas ever.

It is predictable but funny.  I’ve decided to start watching Christmas movies now to help me get in the spirit of the season this year.  This was the first one – I will probably watch Scrooged next weekend.

Unfortunately, the movie not only made me look forward to Christmas, it also made me sad.  You see, one of my big plans for moving back home was to have the holidays at my house.  I wanted to have a townhouse big enough to have all my family and friends over for Christmas dinner.  I wanted to decorate to the hilt, complete with electric train around the real tree.  I wanted tacky lawn ornaments and cheerful music.  I wanted to dress my dogs up like reindeer.  I wanted a ton of gaily wrapped presents under the tree, etc.

However, it isn’t going to happen again this year.  I have a tiny miniature fiber optic tree and that is about it.  My apartment is way too small to have a party.  So it is sad to me that here comes Christmas in two months and I’m still not settled in.  I’m still not where I want to be though I’ve been home a year and a half now.  Doesn’t seem right.  {sigh}