Sleepwalking Again

Sometimes I feel like I am sleepwalking through life.  I know most of you know what I’m talking about – I’m not putting forth any real effort to make life better or worse.  I’m floating down the middle of the river without a care which might sound ok but in reality, it isn’t.  Life is too short to be passive.  When did I go from Rogerramjet to passive? I don’t remember but I think it started back when I had that car accident ten years ago. 

Besides being painful, it was a very scary thing that galvanized the knowledge that I wasn’t indestructible.  It also made me ask myself if something happened to me, what would happen to my son? So I started working at being more “safe” and somewhere along the way lost my passion and perspective…neither is a good thing to lose.

Today I looked myself in the mirror and had to admit, I don’t like the person I see peering back at me.  I don’t like my hairstyle or color; don’t like my face looking splotchy; don’t like how fat my cheeks look; don’t like the turkey neck I’m getting; don’t like my body as a whole because I’m out of shape and way overweight; and I don’t like my clothes either. 

But beyond appearances, I also don’t like that I sit on the sidelines a lot for fear of being hurt again – physically and emotionally.  I look at the task of fixing myself and loath that the first thought out of my head is “this is impossible” because I’m defeating myself before I even start. 

I hate that I let the fear of failure stop me from trying to be published and possibly bettering not only my life but also my son’s.  I look at children I want so badly to adopt but have no idea how to get to the point to be considered.  Yes, I know the paperwork part but seriously feel I better have my shit together before bringing children home to live with me – especially children who have had other adults in their lives who let them down.

I keep telling myself it is TIME to start making changes but often the thought goes right out of my head several minutes later and I forget I was even considering it.  It is like I’m drifting along in an inner tube, poke my head up to see a waterfall coming and thinking I should get out of the water, only to be distracted by a stick floating alongside me to the point that the waterfall is totally forgotten.  Eventually, I’m going to arrive at that damn waterfall and I’m going to be wondering why I didn’t see it in the distance.

Tonight I’m sitting here again, seeing that waterfall, thinking about what I should be doing.  It is frustrating yet also a bit exciting to think about changing…oh, my pizza is done.

Training

Well, I start training tomorrow to be a Certified Training Officer for dispatch.  I believe I will be a good trainer but am not so sure I will be good at all the darn paperwork involved.  It is phenomenal.  I do not like a lot of paperwork – ugh.

My headache is still with me – even 12 tablets of Tylenol later.  Took four at 3am, four at 1:30 pm and another four about 6:45pm.  It is just as bad now as it was before.  What is causing it? I wish I knew.  I really hate the idea that I might be going to training tomorrow feeling like this.  It feels like a migraine coming on – light is really bothering my eyes, feels like daggers into my eyeballs.

Someone’s is out in the parking lot blowing their horn too – have been out there doing this for six minutes.  I want to go out and tell them that they could have walked to the door to knock, gotten the person and been on their way by now.  I hate people who sit in the car and honk – so lazy.  If you don’t want to get out of your car, text the person’s cell phone to tell them you are there or give them a call on their cell phone.  Honking is so rude.

My apartment is cold – it’s 39 degrees outside…I suppose that is about cold enough to turn on the apartment heater but I was hoping to wait till mid-November to do that.  Luckily my apartment has zones due to the heat source being baseboard heaters, so I don’t have to heat the whole thing. I have the bedroom and bathroom doors shut so that leaves just the kitchen and living room.

Have to take the dogs out for a walk so imagine I’ll be cold enough when I get back in to wish I had the heaters going to take the chill off.    It is pitch dark outside again meaning our lamp posts are no longer working.  They’ve had no luck fixing them for more than a few nights – then they go out again.  We have a great one outside our bldg so none of our outside lights had to be on but now it is so dark that we all leave them on for safety – we have four single women in our bldg of four apartments.

I have a zillion things to do – vacuum, dust, wash floors, do laundry, etc.  I am, unfortunately, not going to get to the laundry tonight.  I am going to take it into town with me in the morning and do it after the training tomorrow night before I come home.  We are not driving our own vehicles but one of work’s vans so that means I have to figure out where I’m going to park.  I’ve decided on the ramp.

Anyway, I need to get going because I need to be in bed by midnight.

College

I am evaluating my spending and my bills to find a way to help my son go to college. I believe if I could cut down on what I spend, I could afford to give him $300 a month which isn’t that much when it comes to college, that is for sure. I can start putting my overtime (when I get it) into an account and then have it paid out in one lump sum next year. This would be a good idea because that would pay for a full semester of classes at least – maybe one and a half. He will try to get loans and grants as well but to go full-time he will have to cut back on his working schedule so that will be difficult. Guess I need to sign up for more overtime so maybe I could pay for the whole year.

Back several years ago, I was more prepared to assist him with college but then he didn’t want to go so that went by the wayside. Now it will be more difficult but still doable. I won’t be able to help him as much now as I would have then and really, he doesn’t expect any help whatsoever but I want to help him.

Right now I am very tired and need to take a nap. I know, it is 7pm but I will be up most of the night anyway as I always am. Maybe if I ever get switched to a day schedule, I will do differently. I am rethinking that though as well – I might just stay on my night’s schedule. There are many things I don’t like about it but I guess I’ll have to wait until it becomes available to make any kind of decision.

Writing

Ok, I’m not really writing when it is more typing the story into the computer after having it written out long-hand.  I want to write on my other story but this one has to be put in first so have been doing that for the past couple hours.  I am getting close to being done…I think.  I can’t remember if this was the last spiral of the story or if I started another one too.  I think this one is the last one though and then I can write on it directly in the laptop.  The story is far from being done.

How long is a good, publishable story? I read somewhere 50,000 to 70,000 words but I wonder how accurate that is.  Maybe each publisher has their own preference?

I am getting Siren’s Song ready to be sent out to publishers.  I prefer the publishers who let me send them the entire story rather than just a few sample chapters so will look for them first.  I really know nothing about publishing so really enjoy reading blogs that have to do with that.  Seriously, I don’t even know where to start even though I’ve been reading up on the subject.  Where do I send my manuscript to be edited? I’ve had publishers ask if it was professionally edited and seem disappointed if I say no.  I always thought the publisher and editor were the same company but apparently that isn’t so. 

I know my failure to understand the publishing process is part of what holds me back from working harder at being published.  I have read a lot on the subject but I still don’t understand most of it.  I look at books I own to see who published them and then go to the Writer’s Digest to see what those publishers require but most of the time I can’t find the publisher listed anywhere.  It is so confusing. 

Part of it is probably a mental block because I am afraid of rejection but I can’t let that hold me back anymore.  Nine years ago I was terrified at the idea of talking in front of crowds.  I took the class “Fundamentals of Communication” which required me to give four speeches in front of the entire class.  The idea made me want to vomit but I forced myself to do it and now feel a bit more comfortable when called upon to talk in front of groups.  Of course it is easiest when I feel passionate about an issue – such as 911 or my writing.  I need to figure out some way to do the same thing to get over being intimidated by publishing.  Anyone have any ideas?

I do believe just about anyone can be published.  There are all kinds of venues and publishers out there so being published isn’t the issue as much as finding that one publisher who likes your work.  I have read some pretty awful books and wondered how the person ever got it published but realize that there are probably thousands of others who thought the books were wonderful.  It is all subjective. 

BUT WHERE DO I START????? Writing the story is only half the battle – how do I prepare for the other half? {sigh}

My Ocean

Think this looks pretty good...don't you?

I’m at home watching an episode of Columbo – one of the new ones I just ordered came in the mail today.  It is the episode where Columbo is on a cruise ship and has to solve a murder involving one of the passengers and one of the staff.  I like this one and am glad it is on the new set I ordered.  I actually ordered two seasons worth of dvd’s plus one set of longer movies they put out once the series ended.  That leaves me with two seasons left to order and one replacement disc for season five which I seem to have lost.

As I watch the cruise boat sluice through the waves, it makes me miss my ocean.  Rays of light skim the surface causing it to shimmer as if the gods had cast down pixie dust from the heavens above.  I can picture myself flying along on a skido or coasting dreamily along on a two mast sailboat.  Oh it looks so inviting!  How could I leave it behind?

Because my son is more important than my love for the ocean.  For him I would live in an igloo deep in the antartic…I wouldn’t be happy bout it but I would do it if that is where he had to be.  My child is everything to me – as should everyone’s children I suppose.  Sometimes I wonder about the rest of the population – too many people treat their babies so terribly that I can’t see how they could profess to love them.

Someday I will take a cruise – someday I will stand on the deck and lean out the way what’s her face did on Titanic.  Someday I will visit awesome ports of call and thrill at the leisurely pace of a pampered life.  Someday I will have a house by the ocean with mountains in the backdrop.  Maybe someday I’ll live in Hawaii.  I don’t know how but I will. 

One Hundred Percent

I feel 100 % better after getting about 9.5 hours of sleep straight through in my bed.  I was going to sleep on the recliner, got all settled and then decided it was bogus – that I wanted to stretch out in my bed – so I put the dogs in the kennel and did just that.  It took me a little while to get comfortable – I’ve been sleeping in the recliner for so long – but I finally drifted off to sleep somewhere between 6:30 and 7am. 

I remember opening my eyes briefly at some point – listened for the dogs, they were quiet so floated back to sleepy land.  Woke up for good a little before 4pm – might have slept a little longer but Bennie was whining so I got up.  They were both so good for letting me sleep without having to worry about them going potty on the floor.  Took them out on a long walk a bit ago as their reward.  They are both sacked out on the floor now.

Was getting ready to call my son when he called me instead.  We were suppose to hang out some today but he never called and, quite frankly, I wouldn’t have heard the phone if he had.  So we decided to get together tomorrow evening instead.  He is spending time with his girlfriend again today which is fine by me.  I don’t feel the need to push him or guilt him into spending time with me – I understand he is busy living his life.  Besides, he actually wants to see me at least once a week so I guess I have it pretty good.

Really need to clean tonight though the house isn’t that dirty really.  I would say it will take maybe two hours to get it back up to par.  I’m debating running to the store for coleslaw and potato salad so I can have my hotdogs for supper – otherwise it is spaghetti night.  I’d prefer the hotdogs but don’t really want to go out at all so will probably do spaghetti.

I did open my windows when I got up.  I closed them when I got home because it was quite chilly in the apartment but now it feels just right. Think I’ll spend some time ordering my Christmas cards so I’ll get them in plenty of time.  Tomorrow is October which will kick off the Christmas frenzy.  I have to figure out what I am doing about Christmas this year though it is too early to worry about if I’m going to get a tree.  Thanksgiving is before Christmas, I know – duh, so I need to think about those decorations before Christmas and the Halloween ones before the Thanksgiving ones.  Though really, the same decorations can be used for both Halloween and Thanksgiving for the most part.

I mean, sure, take down the skeletons and what not but the fake pumpkins and orange lights can stay up through Thanksgiving.  Add a few other fake things like a turkey and cornucopia and Thanksgiving decorations are complete.

I saw, on our long walk, a dark black squirrel which is suppose to be a sign of a bad winter coming.  It really won’t surprise me if it is bad.  I need to get some cross country skis and equipment so I can ski into work if the roads are too bad to drive.  Course, the roads are rarely too bad if one takes them very slow.

I vow that next year I will live in town rather than out here in North Liberty.  Would much rather be closer to work so I can call a cab or walk if I need to during the winter months. 

Mouse

I love my new laptop – it is fantastic.  I love the keyboard and the picture is the best I’ve ever seen on a computer.  I can’t complain about it at all…except for the mouse pad.  They have it positioned right where your hand has to go to reach the keyboard so while I’m typing the cursor is jumping around all over the place and opens things I don’t want opened.  Then sometimes it seems to go nuts and starts scrolling every which way which makes me nuts too. 

I try to keep my hands out-of-the-way of the mouse but it isn’t always easy to do.  I’m told it is positioned there so a person can have quick access to it without moving their hand position much and I agree that is a good thing.  However, if the pad was even a half inch smaller I wouldn’t have this problem and it would still be accessible.  This can be a very irritating thing – especially if I’m working on FarmVille or Farm Town.  I’m getting close to being bored with those two things though so will have to start some new games sometime.

I’ve tried to play ChainRxn with this mouse but it can be difficult.  Sometimes I want to click the explosion off and the mouse doesn’t respond or goes flying off in another direction.  Hmmm.

However, overall I love my laptop – it is everything I had hoped it would be.  Yes the volume button was broken when I bought it but I don’t care.  The speakers are never good in a computer which is why I have portables to plug in.  Granted, I haven’t taken the laptop anywhere which defeats the purpose of buying a portable computer but I will start doing so as I get more comfortable with it. 

Dogs at the Dog Park

There were several dogs at the dog park today.  We started off in the small dog pen so Baxter could get all his long distance running in without me having to worry about him interacting with the larger dogs.  Bennie is afraid of the bigger dogs so that isn’t a problem with him – he stays relatively close. 

A Boston Terrier arrived shortly after we did so the boys ran around it for a few minutes but it was obvious that he wasn’t a very social dog so they took off to run the fence line together.  It is a huge pen so running around once gives them quite a workout and they usually go around two or three times before they are too pooped to go again.  As they were running, a friendly Pug joined the group so they had a blast running around the pen together.  It is amazing how they can entertain themselves.  The woman with the Pug had squeaky toys for it to play with but it ignored them all in favor of running around.  The Boston stayed close to its owners – playing fetch with a little squeaky ball.

Bennie does not care for squeaky toys  – the noise startles him.  Once their playmate left, I took the boys out to drink some water and then into the big pen.  This was the first time I ever let them off their leash in the big pen so I was a bit concerned how Baxter would do but he was just fine.  He ran all over that pen, which is even bigger than the other one, sniffing every dog that he could.  None of the big dogs were much in the playing mood which I found disappointing but I suppose it was too hot – several of them went into the pond to swim but as Bennie still has his staples in, I wouldn’t let mine though both of them wanted to.

As Baxter and Bennie were flying here and there on their short little legs, I got to thinking about life and how it is so much like the ocean.  A person can have smooth sailing for days – everything is peachy, sun is sunny, sky is blue, etc.   You know that under the calm surface there are monsters prowling around but they don’t bother you so you figure you won’t bother them.  You decide to jump off the boat for a quick swim and get caught in a rip tide you didn’t know was there and pulled down to those monsters waiting to devour you and just when you think it can’t get any worse, it gets better.  The rip tide releases you, the monsters go away and life becomes calm again as you climb back on your sailboat to sail on the glassy surface. 

There are times when the waves come up higher than your boat and splash down soaking you.  It was not your choice to have these waves but forces outside your control brought them on so all you can do is deal.  You batten down the hatches, turn your nose into the wind and ride it out the best you can.  Someday your vessel will crash onto the rocks and be sink as all vessels eventually do, but until then you will keep on sailing into that sunset often not knowing where you are going or where the tides will take you. 

Right now I’m bogged down in barnacles but one day soon I’ll get them scraped off so that my sailboat is sleek and lean again. 

About Me

Today for just a moment I felt like I was really on to something.  I felt like I was right there, on the verge of a great enlightenment but it just won’t come forth and I don’t know why.  Maybe I’m trying to hard.  Do you ever have that feeling like there is something your subconscious wants to bring forward but it just stops short of reaching your consciousness? If I could only get past the last barrier in my brain, I know whatever this is would greatly enrich my life but I can’t.  The knowledge is knocking and I can’t figure out how to open the door because it requires a combination that I have forgotten.  It is so irritating.

I do believe it has something to do with nature, night sounds, and my writing…ugh.  It tries to seep in under the door but it just can’t quite make it to me.  Something is changing inside me – I can feel it but I can’t quite put my finger on it.  Maybe when I go to sleep tonight it will find its way through the door.  Whatever it is has the power to change my life – damn. 

It started earlier today actually.  I went into town to have soup and coffee with my son.  I remember thinking everything in life is perfect when my son is near me.  He makes me laugh and is such a super guy.  We were talking about a movie called “Life Without People” done by National Geographic on how the world would recover if humans were suddenly absent from Earth.  He has seen the movie – I have not but I checked it out from the library before picking him up which is how the topic came up.  He watches a lot of documentaries and things from the History channel.   But as we were talking, an itch started in my brain.

After leaving him I went to Barnes and Nobel where I picked up three more books for myself and one for my sister.  For her I bought Nicholas Sparks new book “The Last Song” which sounds like it would be pretty good – I will have to borrow it for her when she is done with it.  I like Nicholas Sparks – his writing is so eloquent.

For myself I bought: Homer’s Odyssey by Gwen Cooper.  It is about a cat who had to have its eyes removed when it was just a kitten.  The owner of the cat has two other cats  and is amazed at how well the blind cat interacts with his environment.  I’m looking forward to reading it – I’ve heard really good things.  The second book I bought for myself is “Hope for Animals and Their World” by Jane Goodall – it is about several species that were on the endangered list and how environmentalists worked to bring them back from the brink.  The third book is “A Big Little Life” by Dean Koontz – it is all about his dog Trixie and how much she influenced his life.  It is going to be a tear jerker even though it says right on the flap that she is dead now so I go into the story knowing that.

As I looked at these books in the bookstore, I felt an inkling of something but I couldn’t put my finger on it so I decided to put it on the back burner because I was going to the movie “All About Steve” with Sandra Bullock.  Throughout the movie I had the immense feeling that there was a message there I wasn’t getting.  Sandra’s character “Mary” is a very smart person who is made to feel abnormal by those “normals” around her.  As she strives to prove that she is normal, she realizes that “normal” is a relative word so what she really needed was to find other people who were as normal as she was.  It was a good movie – it made me laugh. 

I was struck by how it is so true that society as a whole pushes what it thinks is normal and acceptable on us all and most of us just accept it’s narrow-mindedness.  Why do we do that? At first I thought this was the thought…the thing my subconscious was trying to tell me but as I drove home I realized it was only one piece of the puzzle.

When I got home I took the dogs out for a walk and as I listened to the night sounds, I knew there was so much more to this epiphany if only I could will it forth.  I closed my eyes and imagined myself out in the country with only the sounds around me – how awesome that would be.

I don’t know but I have been mulling this over now for about five hours so I guess it is time to give my brain a break.  Whatever it is, I can not force it – it must be gently coaxed.  {sigh}

Couple hours with my son

Picked my son up at 3pm so we could spend a few hours together before he had to be to work at six.  He wanted to take me out to Olive Garden because I have never eaten at one before.  The restaurant is in Coralville by the Coralridge Mall – we got there early enough that we pretty much had our pick of where we wanted to sit.  We chose a table by the fireplace even though it wasn’t going – will have to go back this winter to see the fire.  Anywhere there is a fire in a fireplace quickly becomes a favorite hangout.  The Coralville Library has a big stone fireplace there too with some easy chairs around it – you can often find me sitting there reading or now being on my laptop when a fire is going.  I want my next place to have a fireplace.

Our waiter was nice and efficient – had our soup and salad on the table practically right after we ordered it.  My son had some sort of cream of chicken soup while I opted for the salad.  Their breadsticks there are legendary – my only regret is they don’t serve the little saucers with oil & herbs like other Italian restaurants do.  But the breadsticks were warm and delicious – I only had one because they aren’t really necessary with a salad.

My son ordered Chicken Fettuccine and I ordered a Zita and Cheese dish.  We both thought it was delicious and ate till we were full.  They have a wonderful looking pumpkin pie there but we skipped desert – who needs the extra calories?  The food was quite good and not as expensive as I had thought it was going to be.  Our total meal with drinks was $24.  I spent that on my own meal at Applebees the other day. 

After the meal we decided we needed to walk it off a bit and still had time before he needed to go to work so headed over to the mall.  I parked at Barnes and Nobel even though the store we wanted was up closer to Target.  Though it was mainly for the exercise, I also wanted to stroll through the book store again to see if anything caught my eye.  Too much did so I had to hustle through faster than I wanted.  I could have easily spent another $50 in there.

We went down to The Finish Line so my son could purchase a few tshirts – they have four or five for $20.  From there we stepped into Scheels before heading down to Target to look at digital cameras.  His exgirlfriend claimed the other camera so he needed to buy a new one.  We looked there at the different models, spoke to a salesman about the differences in them, then headed down to Best Buy to see if they had any better deals. 

They did have the same camera but with all our chatting, we forgot how much Target was charging for that camera so back to Target we went to compare the price again.  We found both were priced the same but my son belongs to Best Buy’s reward zone so he’d get $5 off if he bought it there.  Thus, back to Best Buy we went to purchase the camera and a memory card.  When we got to the batteries for the camera, we noticed Target had them on sale for $4 less so we headed back there to buy them.  By this time we were getting slightly pressed to get him to work so we didn’t have time to shop for a camera case.

We walked back down to Barnes and Nobel – now I had a good excuse for turning a blind eye to all the great book deals – got in the car and hit the interstate to his work.  Last week their drivers were robbed twice so they are short handed as those driver’s quit.  The police did catch the robbers the second time so those kids will be going to jail for a long time – they had an gun and they frisked the chick for more money.  The gun ended up being fake BUT the law doesn’t distinguish between if it was real or not – only if the victim perceived that it was real and she did.

I really should have stopped to get groceries on my way home but I didn’t feel like combating the crowds so came on home after a quick stop at Walgreens for my medicine.  Now I’ve been working on my stories and hanging out.  I can only imagine the city is hopping with drunks tonight – I am half surprised not to have been called in for it.