I wanted to preface this post with saying I know you are all going to think I sound depressed or whatever if you read it. I am not depressed – I’m only stating thoughts and what not. Really, my life is what it is and while I may wish things were different, I am quite happy to be alive and living my life.
I had an enjoyable time with my sisters and nieces – everybody was in good spirits plus Em brought over baby Aaron for us all to play with. My sister cooked a delicious potato and ham soup and had chicken salad sandwiches so none of us went hungry either. It all was quite nice.
My leg was bothering me a lot – I hadn’t taken anything for it because it makes me sleepy – so that put a damper on it a bit for me. Plus, sorry Marge, but your chairs were a tad bit uncomfortable which I’m sure was more because my leg was bothering me than anything. I am home now and seriously contemplating going to bed – I can hardly keep my eyes open and I still haven’t taken the medicine.
We centered so much conversation around weight though and that is a sore subject with me. No one said I was “fat” but I could see it in their eyes plus I know that I am. My sister sat me at the table right in front of the mirror so no getting away from the fact that I am fat. Why when we get together do we have to always spend so much time on who has lost or gained weight? Are we really that petty of a group? Yes, those that have lost look wonderful – I don’t begrudge them that. So my doctor told me I lost 11 pounds last time I was there…who cares when I’m 100 lbs overweight?
Every day I have to remind myself that living in this state is a choice I made – a choice I would make again in a heartbeat to be near my son. I loathe Iowa – hate this state so much that sometimes I want to go outside and scream “I fucking HATE you!” to the nearest tree. OK, that is an exaggeration – but I do have to say I find Iowa to be a boring, podunk state with very few redeeming features.
I know I have been here 3 years but still haven’t settled back in. I may be here in body but my mind is elsewhere and until I get the two back in sync, I know I won’t be settled. It reminds me of Yoda saying to Luke Skywalker “This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away… to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless.”
Yep, that is me to a large degree. I need to get my mind on where I am and what I am doing. Only then will I find peace of mind and serenity. I have to accept that “it is what it is” and work from this point forward. Ugh – have I mentioned I have a headache?