The Doggies

The doggies want to go outside for a walk – they keep positioning themselves around the room staring at me – talk about passive aggressiveness.  I should take them and probably will once I can gather the strength to do so.  Right now I am on the couch bundled up so much I have to stick my hands out from under myriads of covers to type.  I am freezing cold.

Even under these covers, I have goosebumps and am shivering – I can not get warm for the world.  Feel like I am going to throw up as well but I refuse to so am managing to keep it at bay.  I tell myself I should throw up – that maybe I will feel better if I do – but then that would be giving an inch to something that already feels like it might get the best of me.  I will not get the flu.  If I throw up, I might just be weak enough to surrender to the illness which would mean taking time off work which I can’t do now.

Sometimes my thoughts get heading the wrong direction – like, what if this isn’t the flu but stomach cancer? That alone makes me shudder to think about.  I knew a man who went to the doctor because he thought he had a prolonged case of the flu – he died two weeks later of stomach cancer.  Now every time I get the symptoms, I can’t help but think about him.

When I had my appendix perforate, he came to the hospital and brought me flowers.  I was off 3 weeks – he was dead when I got back to work – my hospital visit with him which hadn’t lasted long as I was so drugged up, was the last time I ever saw him alive.  He was such a dear older man too.

That is the key though, he was older – in his mid-sixties – and he was a smoker so I tell myself that means I just have the flu.  I know, I’m a bit manic lately over my health – I suppose approaching 50 has made me realize I need to take better care of myself if I want to live long enough to see great grandchildren.  🙂


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