The doggies want to go outside for a walk – they keep positioning themselves around the room staring at me – talk about passive aggressiveness. I should take them and probably will once I can gather the strength to do so. Right now I am on the couch bundled up so much I have to stick my hands out from under myriads of covers to type. I am freezing cold.
Even under these covers, I have goosebumps and am shivering – I can not get warm for the world. Feel like I am going to throw up as well but I refuse to so am managing to keep it at bay. I tell myself I should throw up – that maybe I will feel better if I do – but then that would be giving an inch to something that already feels like it might get the best of me. I will not get the flu. If I throw up, I might just be weak enough to surrender to the illness which would mean taking time off work which I can’t do now.
Sometimes my thoughts get heading the wrong direction – like, what if this isn’t the flu but stomach cancer? That alone makes me shudder to think about. I knew a man who went to the doctor because he thought he had a prolonged case of the flu – he died two weeks later of stomach cancer. Now every time I get the symptoms, I can’t help but think about him.
When I had my appendix perforate, he came to the hospital and brought me flowers. I was off 3 weeks – he was dead when I got back to work – my hospital visit with him which hadn’t lasted long as I was so drugged up, was the last time I ever saw him alive. He was such a dear older man too.
That is the key though, he was older – in his mid-sixties – and he was a smoker so I tell myself that means I just have the flu. I know, I’m a bit manic lately over my health – I suppose approaching 50 has made me realize I need to take better care of myself if I want to live long enough to see great grandchildren. 🙂