Today’s topic is how to survive a sinking ship. This seems like a good topic as I consider taking a cruise next year. Everyone knows I’m a shit magnet so if there is any way for the ship to sink, it surely will. We’ll get a hurricane or one of those freak rogue waves and end up floating upside down like in the movie “The Poseidon” or we will hit a wayward iceberg that just happened to be in our path to Jamaica. When a person boards, they should remember to throw salt over their shoulder as this is supposed to ward off bad spirits…or bad karma…or bad sex…I can’t remember which.
If the ship begins to sink for whatever reason, it must occur when all women are scantily dressed so they have little to take off but end up having to take off the most. Ever notice how men don’t undress down to their underwear in sinking situations but the women always seem to have to? That gown is sooo much heavier than the man’s tux. In any case, women must be prepared to get naked to secure their place on the lifeboats. Most men can’t deny a naked woman’s pleas for help.
Men should immediately put on life jackets so that they can float in the water with the naked female who can’t put one on because it would ruin the shot of her breasts plastered against him. Now, while the movie “Jaws” made us all believe that sharks like floating naked women for supper, etiquette dictates that the man heroically saves the woman by swimming in the way so the shark can bite him in half…sorry guys.
So even though the man saved the woman by propping her up and getting to fondle her breasts in an attempt to make sure she continues to float, he usually doesn’t get the reward in the end. Course, if the man gallantly passes the life jacket to the woman in the beginning then he will get a kiss and her undying affection though he, in fact, will drown long before he gets laid.
If the ship just capsizes and doesn’t sink immediately ~ all women are required to put on high heels and eye-pleasing underwear (in addition to the skimpy gown) as they will have to climb ladders ahead of men for a while before the dress has to come off. This is so men will keep reaching for what is above them and save the day. Now, it is always the woman with the biggest boobs who has to wear the dress that is the most revealing. The up side is that the most endowed woman always gets to live because it makes the most sense that the men would save her first. The smaller the boobs, the more likely a horrific death will befall them.
Men with hair on their chests are more likely to survive as well because bare chests aren’t as dramatic ~ no one wants to see a bare chest on a man who ripped his shirt saving the bare-chested women. Two bares are not better than one. Clean shaven men rarely live either…this is purely a preference on my part. In my defense, look at the movie “Lost” ~ the blond guy who is rough cut is soooo much sexier than the clean-cut one. I’d rather be adrift with the blond any day though I’m not sure he has a hairy chest…that might present a problem.
Studies have shown that 70 percent of victims of a maritime accident are bewildered and have impaired reasoning, 15 percent exhibit irrational behaviors and only 15 percent stay calm and alert. This is where the woman with the smaller boobs comes in handy. She is usually the one who stays calm and alert because she knows her boobs aren’t going to save her. This is a good person to know because chances are she already knows how many lifeboats are on the ship and where the men can find the life jackets.
Of course the reason for this is that the bigger boobed women are getting all the attention and sex so the small boobed ones fill their time before the accident in the background studiously preparing for when their service is needed. Still, with all her planning, it is rare that she actually survives but is more likely to sacrifice herself so her big-boobed friend or relative can live.
One of the most difficult aspects of being adrift at sea in a small life raft is the psychological toll it takes. Seeing nothing but open water and boobs everywhere can cause a lot of mental distress. This feeling of hopelessness can increase when the number of men in the raft is greater than women. If the numbers are too off (such as 6 men and 2 women) then drowning a few men (clean shaven, of course) won’t be frowned upon ~ just tell everyone they went down with the ship. If you’re with others, you should occupy your time by playing word games, talking about future plans or having sex. This will help keep your mind off the situation and give you something to brag about once you get rescued.
If the fun continues to a deserted island, men will come in handy for foraging for our food while the women sit and bemoan their circumstance. Before you guys out there get too upset over having to do all the work, don’t forget how you got to drift with some big-breasted woman pressed up against you for a few days. Yeah, that should be worth a little foraging.
Plus, as one of the surviving males, you get to flex your muscles for all us helpless females. Also, who do you think we will want to cuddle with when it rains or we get scared when a lightning bug comes too close to us? If you get injured, that can be a big plus because the biggest breasted woman is usually the one who has the lowest cut dress (if she hasn’t lost it by then) which will no doubt help you feel better when she tends to your wounds. Of course, that is assuming you are a breast man. If you are an ass man, she will no doubt be the only one also wearing a thong. Men usually make out pretty good in these survival situations once you get to the island ~ unfortunately, getting to the island might be harrowing.
I can’t wait! Doesn’t this all sound like great fun? I really need to plan a cruise at the height of hurricane season to better my odds of using all this knowledge. I might have to get larger breasts before I go to better my chances of survival…plus they are great for floatation. Always remember the three big “S’s” when on a sinking ship ~ “Safety, Sanity and Sex” without all three, who knows what the outcome would be?