Till I Can’t Take it Anymore

Sometimes I swear people keep at me until I can’t take it anymore – I don’t know why.  I try to be happy, fun and make people laugh – yet some seem to take offense at that.  They aren’t happy unless I’m beaten down and crying.  WHY? I don’t get it.

Why can’t I have a happy-go-lucky attitude? Why can’t I say “hi” and it really not mean anything more than a greeting? Why can’t I smile and joke without some thinking I’m being sarcastic and mean to them? I would never intentionally be mean to anyone – not anyone! I don’t have a mean bone in my body unless it is someone physically hurting my son or myself – then I can be a roaring grizzly bear.

When I am faced with this kind of stuff, it makes me want to crawl inside myself and not speak to anyone.  Then people complain that I don’t seem “happy”.  I can’t take this shit.  I literally can’t.

What kind of world do we live in when someone saying “hi” and smiling – maybe joking a little – is a bad thing? I don’t tell improper jokes – I don’t bash any groups – I don’t put people down.  It isn’t that I’m such a good person –  I just don’t care about skin color, sexual orientation, religion, or any of that other stuff.  People are people – as long as they aren’t mean, hateful, or hurtful to myself or my family/friends, they can pretty much do or be whatever they want.  I’m talking about ordinary people – not the ones who make the news.

My life is full of enough drama and I am hard enough on myself that I don’t need others trying to pull me down.  I am not a bad person.  I don’t deserve to be sitting here crying because I smiled and said “hi” to someone and they didn’t know how to “take it”.  Damn straight I won’t be saying “hi” to them again anytime soon.

I know it is stupid to be this upset over something so small but it hit me at a bad time.  I haven’t been feeling all that rosy lately mood wise and this is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.   Guess they won this round – they succeeded in bringing me further down. That’s ok, guess we all have to lose it sometimes – it will not define me.  I will pull myself up off the floor and go on trying to keep the twinkle in my eye and a smile on my face.

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